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THE  REAL  DOPE 


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The  Real  Dope 


By 
RING  W.  LARDNER 

AUTHOR  OP 

»ULLIBL£*S  TRAVELS,  MY  FOUR  WEEKS  IN  FBANCS 
TREAT  'em  rough,  ETC. 


ILLUSTRATED  BY 

MAY  WILSON  PRESTON 

AND 

M.  L.  BLUMENTHAL 


INDIANAPOLIS 

THE  BOBBS-MERRILL  COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 


Copyright  1919 
The  Bobbs-Merrill  Company 


PRESS  OF 

BHAUNWORTH  &  CO. 

BOOK  MAMUFACrURERS 

BROOKLYN,   N.  Y. 


THE  REAL  DOPE 


ivi506266 


THE  REAL  DOPE 

CHAPTER  I 

AND    MANY    A    STORMY    WIND    SHALIi    BIX>W 

On  the  Ship  Board,  Jan.  15, 

FRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  suppose  it  is  kind  of 
foolish  to  be  writeing  you  a  letter  now  when 
they  won't  be  no  chance  to  mail  it  till  we  get 
across  the  old  pond  but  still  and  all  a  man  has  got 
to  do  something  to  keep  themself  busy  and  I  know 
you  will  be  glad  to  hear  all  about  our  trip  so  I 
might  as  well  write  you  a  letter  when  ever  I  get  a 
chance  and  I  can  mail  them  to  you  all  at  once  when 
we  get  across  the  old  pond  and  you  will  think  I  have 
wrote  a  book  or  something. 

Jokeing  a  side  Al  you  are  lucky  to  have  an  old 
pal  thats  going  to  see  all  the  fun  and  write  to  you 
about  it  because  its  a  different  thing  haveing  a 
person  write  to  you  about  what  they  see  themself 
then  getting  the  dope  out  of  a  newspaper  or  some- 
thing because  you  will  know  that  what  I  tell  you  is 
the  real  dope  that  I  seen  myself  where  if  you  read  it 
in  a  newspaper  you  know  its  guest  work  because 

1 


^  THE  REAL  DOPE 

in  the  1st.  place  they  don't  leave  the  reporters  get 
nowheres  near  the  front  and  besides  that  they 
wouldn't  go  there  if  they  had  a  leave  because  they 
would  be  to  scared  like  the  baseball  reporters  that 
sets  a  mile  from  the  game  because  they  haven't 
got  the  nerve  to  get  down  on  the  field  where  a  man 
could  take  a  punch  at  them  and  even  when  they 
are  a  mile  away  with  a  screen  in  front  of  them 
they  duck  when  somebody  hits  a  pop  foul. 

Well  Al  it  is  against  the  rules  to  tell  you  when 
we  left  the  old  U.  S.  or  where  we  come  away  from 
because  the  pro  German  spy  might  get  a  hold  of  a 
man's  letter  some  way  and  then  it  would  be  good 
night  because  he  would  send  a  telegram  to  where 
the  submarines  is  located  at  and  they  wouldn't  send 
no  1  or  ^  submarines  after  us  but  the  whole  Ger- 
man navy  would  get  after  us  because  they  would 
figure  that  if  they  ever  got  us  it  would  be  a  rich 
hall.  When  I  say  that  Al  I  don't  mean  it  to  sound 
like  I  was  swell  headed  or  something  and  I  don't 
mean  it  would  be  a  rich  hall  because  I  am  on  board 
or  nothing  like  that  but  you  would  know  what  I 
am  getting  at  if  you  seen  the  bunch  we  are  takeing 
across. 

In  the  1st.  place  Al  this  is  a  different  kind  of  a 
trip  then  the  time  I  went  around  the  world  with  the 
2  ball  clubs  because  then  it  was  just  the  1  boat 
load  and  only  for  two  or  3  of  the  boys  on  board  it 
wouldn't  of  made  no  difference  if  the  boat  had  of 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  3 

turned  a  turtle  only  to  pave  the  whole  bottom  of  the 
ocean  with  ivory.  But  this  time  Al  we  have  got  not 
only  1  boat  load  but  we  got  four  boat  loads  of 
soldiers  alone  and  that  is  not  all  we  have  got.  All 
together  Al  there  is  10  boats  in  the  parade  and  6 
of  them  is  what  they  call  the  convoys  and  that 
means  war  ships  that  goes  along  to  see  that  we  get 
there  safe  on  acct.  of  the  submarines  and  four  of 
them  is  what  they  call  destroyers  and  they  are 
little  bits  of  shafers  but  they  say  they  can  go  like 
he — 11  when  they  get  started  and  when  a  submarine 
pops  up  these  little  birds  chases  right  after  them 
and  drops  a  death  bomb  on  to  them  and  if  it  ever 
hits  them  the  capt.  of  the  submarine  can  pick  up 
what  is  left  of  his  boat  and  stick  a  2  cent  stamp 
on  it  and  mail  it  to  the  kaiser. 

Jokeing  a  side  I  guess  they's  no  chance  of  a  sub- 
marine getting  fat  off  of  us  as  long  as  these  little 
birds  is  on  watch  so  I  don't  see  why  a  man  shouldn't 
come  right  out  and  say  when  we  left  and  from 
where  we  come  from  but  if  they  didn't  have  some 
kind  of  rules  they's  a  lot  of  guys  that  wouldn't 
know  no  better  then  write  to  Van  Hinburg  or  some- 
body and  tell  them  all  they  know  but  I  guess  at 
that  they  could  use  a  post  card. 

Well  Al  we  been  at  sea  just  two  days  and  a  lot 
of  the  boys  has  gave  up  the  ghost  all  ready  and 
pretty  near  everything  else  but  I  haven't  felt  the 
least  bit  sick  that  is  sea  sick  but  I  will  own  up  I  felt 


4  THE  REAL  DOPE 

a  little  home  sick  just  as  we  come  out  of  the  harbor 
and  seen  the  godess  of  liberty  standing  up  there 
maybe  for  the  last  time  but  don't  think  for  a 
minute  Al  that  I  am  sorry  I  come  and  I  only  wish 
we  was  over  there  all  ready  and  could  get  in  to  it 
and  the  only  kick  I  got  comeing  so  far  is  that  we 
haven't  got  no  further  then  we  are  now  on  acct. 
that  we  didn't  do  nothing  the  1st.  day  only  stall 
around  like  we  was  waiting  for  Connie  Mack  to 
waggle  his  score  card  or  something. 

But  we  will  get  there  some  time  and  when  we  do 
you  can  bet  we  will  show  them  something  and  I  am 
tickled  to  death  I  am  going  and  if  I  lay  down  my 
life  I  will  feel  like  it  wasn't  throwed  away  for 
nothing  like  you  would  die  of  tyford  fever  or 
something. 

Well  I  would  of  liked  to  of  had  Florrie  and  little 
Al  come  east  and  see  me  off  but  Florrie  felt  like  she 
couldn't  afford  to  spend  the  money  to  make  another 
long  trip  after  making  one  long  trip  down  to  Texas 
and  besides  we  wasn't  even  supposed  to  tell  our 
family  where  we  was  going  to  sail  from  but  I 
notice  they  was  a  lot  of  women  folks  right  down 
to  the  dock  to  bid  us  good  by  and  I  suppose  they 
just  guessed  what  was  comeing  off  eh  Al.''  Or 
maybe  they  was  all  strangers  that  just  happened 
to  be  there  but  I'll  say  I  never  seen  so  much  kissing 
between  strangers.  Any  way  I  and  my  family  had 
our  farewells  out  west  and  Florrie  was  got  up  like 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  5 

a  fancy  dress  ball  and  I  suppose  if  I  die  where  she 
can  tend  the  funeral  she  will  come  in  pink  tights 
or  something. 

Well  Al  I  better  not  keep  on  talking  about  Flor- 
rie  and  little  Al  or  I  will  do  the  baby  act  and  any 
way  its  pretty  near  time  for  chow  but  I  suppose 
you  will  wonder  what  am  I  talking  about  when  I 
say  chow.  Well  Al  that's  the  name  we  boys  got 
up  down  to  Camp  Grant  for  stuff  to  eat  and  when 
we  talk  about  food  instead  of  saying  food  we  say 
chow  so  that's  what  I  am  getting  at  when  I  say 
its  pretty  near  time  for  chow.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


On  the  Ship  Board,  Jan.  17, 

FRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  here  we  are  out  some- 
wheres  in  the  middle  of  the  old  pond  and  I 
wished  the  trip  was  over  not  because  I  have  been 
sea  sick  or  anything  but  I  can't  hardly  wait  to  get 
over  there  and  get  in  to  it  and  besides  they  got  us 
jammed  in  like  a  sardine  or  something  and  four 
of  us  in  1  state  room  and  I  don't  mind  doubleing 
up  with  some  good  pal  but  a  man  can't  get  no  rest 
when  they's  four  trying  to  sleep  in  a  room  that 
wouldn't  be  big  enough  for  Nemo  Liebold  but  I 
wouldn't  make  no  holler  at  that  if  they  had  of  left 
us  pick  our  own  roomys  but  out  of  the  four  of 
us  they's  one  that  looks  like  he  must  of  bribed  the 


6  THE  REAL  DOPE 

jury  or  he  wouldn't  be  here  and  his  name  is  Smith 
and  another  one's  name  is  Sam  Hall  and  he  has  al- 
ways got  a  grouch  on  and  the  other  boy  is  O.  K. 
only  I  would  like  him  a  whole  lot  better  if  he  was 
about  %  his  size  but  no  he  is  as  big  as  me  only 
not  put  up  like  I  am.  His  name  is  Lee  and  he 
pulls  a  lot  of  funny  stuff  like  this  a.  m.  he  says 
they  must  of  thought  us  four  was  a  male  quartette 
and  they  stuck  us  all  in  together  so  as  we  could 
get  some  close  harmony.  That's  what  they  call  it 
when  they  hit  them  minors. 

Well  Al  I  always  been  use  to  sleeping  with  my 
feet  in  bed  with  me  but  you  can't  do  that  in  the 
bunk  I  have  got  because  your  knee  would  crack  you 
in  the  jaw  and  knock  you  out  and  even  if  they  was 
room  to  strech  Hall  keeps  crabbing  till  you  can't 
rest  and  he  keeps  the  room  filled  up  with  cigarette 
smoke  and  no  air  and  you  can't  open  up  the  port 
hole  or  you  would  freeze  to  death  so  about  the  only 
chance  I  get  to  sleep  is  up  in  the  parlor  in  a  chair 
in  the  day  time  and  you  don't  no  sooner  set  down 
when  they  got  a  life  boat  drill  or  something  and 
for  some  reason  another  they  have  a  role  call  every 
day  and  that  means  everybody  has  got  to  answer 
to  their  name  to  see  if  we  are  all  on  board  just  as 
if  they  was  any  other  place  to  go. 

When  they  give  the  signal  for  a  life  boat  drill 
everybody  has  got  to  stick  their  life  belt  on  and  go 
to  the  boat  where  they  have  been  given  the  number 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  7 

of  it  and  even  when  ever^^body  knows  its  a  fake 
you  got  to  show  up  just  the  same  and  yesterday 
they  was  one  bird  thats  supposed  to  go  in  our  life 
boat  and  he  was  sea  sick  and  he  didn't  show  up  so 
they  went  after  him  and  one  of  the  officers  told  him 
that  wasn't  no  excuse  and  what  would  he  do  if  he 
was  sea  sick  and  the  ship  was  realy  sinking  and  he 
says  he  thought  it  was  realy  sinking  ever  since  we 
started. 

Well  Al  we  got  some  crowd  on  the  boat  and  they's 
two  French  officers  along  with  us  that  been  giveing 
drills  and  etc.  in  one  of  the  camps  in  the  U.  S.  and 
navy  officers  and  gunners  and  a  man  would  almost 
wish  something  would  happen  because  I  bet  we 
would  put  up  some  battle. 

Lee  just  come  in  and  asked  me  who  was  I  write- 
ing  to  and  I  told  him  and  he  says  I  better  be  careful 
to  not  write  nothing  against  anybody  on  the  trip 
just  as  if  I  would.  But  any  way  I  asked  him  why 
not  and  he  says  because  all  the  mail  would  be 
opened  and  read  by  the  censor  so  I  said  "Yes  but 
he  won't  see  this  because  I  won't  mail  it  till  we 
get  across  the  old  pond  and  then  I  will  mail  all  my 
letters  at  once." 

So  he  said  a  man  can't  do  it  that  way  because 
just  before  we  hit  land  the  censor  will  take  all  our 
mail  off  of  us  and  read  it  and  cut  out  whatever  he 
don't  like  and  then  mail  it  himself.  So  I  didn't 
know  we  had  a  censor  along  with  us  but  Lee  says 


8  THE  REAL  DOPE 

we  certainly  have  got  one  and  he  Is  up  in  the  front 
ship  and  they  call  that  the  censor  ship  on  acct.  of 
him  being  on  there. 

Well  Al  I  don't  care  what  he  reads  and  what  he 
don't  read  because  I  am  not  the  kind  that  spill 
anything  about  the  trip  that  would  hurt  anybody 
or  get  them  in  bad.  So  he  is  welcome  to  read  any- 
thing I  write  you  might  say. 

This  front  ship  is  the  slowest  one  of  the  whole 
four  and  how  is  that  for  fine  judgment  Al  to  put 
the  slowest  one  ahead  and  this  ship  we  are  on  is 
the  fastest  and  they  keep  us  behind  instead  of  leav- 
ing us  go  up  ahead  and  set  the  pace  for  them  and 
no  wonder  we  never  get  nowheres.  Of  course  that 
ain't  the  censor's  fault  but  if  the  old  U.  S.  is  in 
such  a  hurry  to  get  men  across  the  pond  I  should 
think  they  would  use  some  judgment  and  its  just 
like  as  if  Hughey  Jennings  would  stick  Oscar  Stan- 
age  or  somebody  ahead  of  Cobb  in  the  batting  order 
so  as  Cobb  couldn't  make  to  many  bases  on  a  hit. 

Well  Al  I  will  have  to  cut  it  out  for  now  because 
its  pretty  near  time  for  chow  and  that's  the  name  we 
got  up  out  to  Camp  Grant  for  meals  and  now  every- 
body in  the  army  when  they  talk  about  food  they 
call  it  chow.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  9 

On  the  Ship  Board,  Jan.  19. 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  they  have  got  a  new 
•^  nickname  for  me  and  now  they  call  me  Jack 
Tar  and  Bob  Lee  got  it  up  and  I  will  tell  you  how 
it  come  off.  Last  night  was  one  rough  bird  and  I 
guess  pretty  near  everybody  on  the  boat  were  sick 
and  Lee  says  to  me  how  was  it  that  I  stood  the 
rough  weather  so  good  and  it  didn't  seem  to  effect 
me  so  I  says  it  was  probably  on  acct.  of  me  going 
around  the  world  that  time  with  the  two  ball  clubs 
and  I  was  right  at  home  on  the  water  so  he  says 
"I  guess  we  better  call  you  Jack  Tar." 

So  that's  how  they  come  to  call  me  Jack  Tar  and 
its  a  name  they  got  for  old  sailors  that's  been  all 
their  life  on  the  water.  So  on  acct.  of  my  name 
being  Jack  it  fits  in  pretty  good. 

Well  a  man  can't  help  from  feeling  sorry  for 
the  boys  that  have  not  been  across  the  old  pond 
before  and  can't  stand  a  little  rough  spell  but  it 
makes  a  man  kind  of  proud  to  think  the  rough 
weather  don't  effect  you  when  pretty  near  every- 
body else  feels  like  a  churn  or  something  the  minute 
a  drop  of  water  splashes  vs.  the  side  of  the  boat  but 
still  a  man  can't  hardly  help  from  laughing  when 
they  look  at  them. 

Lee  says  he  would  of  thought  I  would  of  enlisted 
in  the  navy  on  acct.  of  being  such  a  good  sailor. 
Well  I  would  of  Al  if  I  had  knew  they  needed  men 


IP  THE  REAL  DOPE 

and  I  told  Lee  so  and  he  said  he  thought  the  U.  S. 
made  a  big  mistake  keeping  it  a  secret  that  they  did 
need  men  in  the  navy  till  all  the  good  ones  enlisted 
in  the  draft  and  then  of  course  the  navy  had  to  take 
what  they  could  get. 

Well  I  guess  I  all  ready  told  you  that  one  of  the 
boys  in  our  room  is  named  Freddie  Smith  and  he 
don't  never  say  a  word  and  I  thought  at  1st.  it 
was  because  he  was  a  kind  of  a  bum  like  Hall  that 
didn't  know  nothing  and  that's  why  he  didn't  say 
it  but  it  seems  the  reason  he  don't  talk  more  is  be- 
cause he  can't  talk  English  very  good  but  he  is  a 
Frenchman  and  he  was  a  waiter  in  the  big  French 
resturent  in  Milwaukee  and  now  what  do  you  think 
Al  he  is  going  to  learn  Lee  and  I  French  lessons 
and  Lee  fixed  it  up  with  him.  We  want  to  learn 
how  to  talk  a  little  so  when  we  get  there  we  can 
make  ourself  understood  and  you  remember  I 
started  studing  French  out  to  Camp  Grant  but  the 
man  down  there  didn't  know  nothing  about  what  he 
was  talking  about  so  I  walked  out  on  him  but  this 
bird  won't  try  and  learn  us  grammer  or  how  you 
spell  it  or  nothing  like  that  but  just  a  few  words 
so  as  we  can  order  drinks  and  meals  and  etc.  when 
we  get  a  leave  off  some  time.  Tonight  we  are 
going  to  have  our  1st.  lesson  and  with  a  man  like 
he  to  learn  us  we  ought  to  pick  it  up  quick. 

Well  old  pal  I  will  wind  up  f(n-  this  time  as  T 
don't  feel  very  good  on  acct.  of  something  I  eat 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  11 

this  noon  and  its  a  wonder  a  man  can  keep  up  at 
all  where  they  got  you  in  a  stateroom  jammed  in 
like  a  sardine  or  something  and  Hall  smokeing  all 
the  while  like  he  was  a  freight  engine  pulling  a 
freight  train  up  grade  or  something. 

Your  pal,  tlACK.  . 

On  the  Ship  Board,  Jan.  SO. 

TZIRIEND  AL:  Just  a  line  Al  because  I  don't 
-^  feel  like  writeing  as  I  was  taken  sick  last  night 
from  something  I  eat  and  who  wouldn't  be  sick 
jammed  in  a  room  like  a  sardine. 

I  had  a  kind  of  a  run  in  with  Hall  because  he 
tried  to  kid  me  about  being  sick  with  some  of  his 
funny  stuff  but  I  told  him  where  to  head  in.  He 
started  out  by  saying  to  Lee  that  Jack  Tar  looked 
like  somebody  had  knocked  the  tar  out  of  him  and 
after  a  while  he  says  "What's  the  matter  with  the 
old  salt  tonight  he  don't  seem  to  have  no  pepper 
with  him."    So  I  told  him  to  shut  up. 

Well  we  didn't  have  no  French  lesson  on  acct.  of 
me  being  taken  sick  but  we  are  going  to  have  a 
lesson  tonight  and  pretty  soon  I  am  going  up  and 
try  and  eat  something  and  I  hope  they  don't  try 
and  hand  me  no  more  of  that  canned  beans  or  what- 
ever it  was  that  effected  me  and  if  Uncle  Sam 
wants  his  boys  to  go  over  there  and  put  up  a  battle 
he  shouldn't  try  and  poison  them  first. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 


12  THE  REAL  DOPE 

On  the  Ship  Board,  J  cm.  21, 

TflRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  was  talking  to  one 
•^  of  the  sailors  named  Doran  to-day  and  he  says 
in  a  day  or  2  more  we  would  be  right  in  the  danger 
zone  where  all  the  subs  hangs  out  and  then  would 
come  the  fun  and  we  would  probably  all  have  to 
keep  our  clothes  on  all  night  and  keep  our  life  belts 
on  and  I  asked  him  if  they  was  much  danger  with 
all  them  convoys  guarding  us  and  he  says  the  subs 
might  fire  a  periscope  right  between  two  of  the  con- 
voys and  hit  our  ship  and  maybe  the  convoys  might 
get  them  afterwards  but  then  it  would  be  to  late. 

He  said  the  last  time  he  come  over  with  troops 
they  was  two  subs  got  after  this  ship  and  they  shot 
two  periscopes  at  this  ship  and  just  missed  it  and 
they  seem  to  be  laying  for  this  ship  because  its  one 
of  the  biggest  and  fastest  the  U.  S.  has  got. 

Well  I  told  Doran  it  wouldn't  bother  me  to  keep 
my  clothes  on  all  night  because  I  all  ready  been 
keeping  them  on  all  night  because  when  you  have 
got  a  state  room  like  ours  they's  only  one  place 
where  they's  room  for  a  man's  clothes  and  that's 
on  you. 

Well  old  pal  they's  a  whole  lot  of  difference  be- 
tween learning  something  from  somebody  that 
knows  what  they  are  talking  about  and  visa  versa. 
I  and  Lee  and  Smith  got  together  in  the  room  last 
night  and  we  wasn't  at  it  more  than  an  hour  but 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  13 

I  learned  more  then  all  the  time  I  took  lessons  from 
that  4  flusher  out  to  Camp  Grant  because  Smith 
don't  waist  no  time  with  a  lot  of  junk  about  gram- 
mer  but  I  or  Lee  would  ask  him  what  was  the  French 
for  so  and  so  and  he  would  tell  us  and  we  would 
write  it  down  and  say  it  over  till  we  had  it  down 
pat  and  I  bet  we  could  pretty  near  order  a  meal 
now  without  no  help  from  some  of  these  smart  alex 
that  claims  they  can  talk  all  the  languages  in  the 
world. 

In  the  1st.  place  they's  a  whole  lot  of  words  in 
French  that  they's  no  difference  you  might  say  be- 
tween them  from  the  way  we  say  it  like  beef  steak 
and  beer  because  Lee  asked  him  if  suppose  we  went 
in  somewheres  and  wanted  a  steak  and  bread  and 
butter  and  beer  and  the  French  for  and  is  und  so 
we  would  say  beef  steak  und  brot  mit  butter 
schmieren  und  bier  and  that's  all  they  is  to  it  and 
I  can  say  that  without  looking  at  the  paper  where 
we  wrote  it  down  and  3^ou  can  see  I  have  got  that 
much  learned  all  ready  so  I  wouldn't  starve  and 
when  you  want  to  call  a  waiter  you  call  him  kellner 
so  you  see  I  could  go  in  a  place  in  Paris  and  call 
a  waiter  and  get  everything  I  wanted.  Well  Al  I 
bet  nobody  ever  learned  that  much  in  1  hour  off 
that  bird  out  to  Camp  Grant  and  I'll  say  its  some 
epeed. 

We  are  going  to  have  another  lesson  tonight  but 
Lee  says  we  don't  want  to  try  and  learn  to  much 


14  THE  REAL  DOPE 

at  once  or  we  will  forget  what  we  all  ready  learned 
and  they's  a  good  deal  to  that  Al. 

Well  Al  its  time  for  chow  again  so  lebe  wohl  and 
that's  the  same  like  good  by  in  French. 
Your  pal, 

Jack. 


On  the  Ship  Board,  Jan.  ^2, 
TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  we  are  in  what  they 
-*  call  the  danger  zone  and  they's  some  excite- 
ment these  days  and  at  night  to  because  they  don't 
many  of  the  boys  go  to  sleep  nights  and  they  go 
to  their  rooms  and  pretend  like  they  are  going  to 
sleep  but  I  bet  you  wouldn't  need  no  alarm  clock 
to  make  them  jump  out  of  bed. 

Most  of  the  boys  stays  out  on  deck  most  of  the 
time  and  I  been  staying  out  there  myself  most  all 
day  today  not  because  I  am  scared  of  anything 
because  I  always  figure  if  its  going  to  happen  its 
going  to  happen  but  I  stay  out  because  it  ain't 
near  as  cold  as  it  was  and  besides  if  something  is 
comeing  off  I  don't  want  to  miss  it.  Besides  maybe 
I  could  help  out  some  way  if  something  did  happen. 

Last  night  we  was  all  out  on  deck  in  the  dark 
talking  about  this  and  that  and  one  of  the  boys 
I  was  standing  along  side  of  him  made  the  remark 
that  we  had  been  out  nine  days  and  he  didn't  see 
no  France  yet  or  no  signs  of  getting  there  so  I  said 


MANY  A  STOR]MY  WIND  15 

no  wonder  when  we  had  such  a  he — 11  of  a  censor 
ship  and  some  other  guy  heard  me  say  it  so  he  said 
I  better  not  talk  like  that  but  I  didn't  mean  it  like 
that  but  only  how  slow  it  was. 

Well  we  are  getting  along  O.  K.  with  the  French 
lessons  and  Bob  Lee  told  me  last  night  that  he  run 
across  one  of  the  two  French  officers  that's  on  the 
ship  and  he  thought  he  would  try  some  of  his 
French  on  him  so  he  said  something  about  it  being 
a  nice  day  in  French  and  the  Frenchman  was  tickled 
to  death  and  smiled  and  bowed  at  him  and  I  guess 
I  will  try  it  out  on  them  the  next  time  I  see  them. 

Well  Al  that  shows  we  been  learning  something 
when  the  Frenchmans  themself  know  what  we  are 
talking  about  and  I  and  Lee  will  have  the  laugh 
on  the  rest  of  the  boys  when  we  get  there  that  is 
if  we  do  get  there  but  for  some  reason  another  I 
have  got  a  hunch  that  we  won't  never  see  France 
and  I  can't  explain  why  but  once  in  a  while  a  man 
gets  a  hunch  and  a  lot  of  times  they  are  generally 
always  right.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Vn  the  Ship  Board,  Jan.  23, 

WTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  was  just  out  on  deck 
-^  with  Lee  and  Sargent  Bishop  and  Bishop  is 
a  sargent  in  our  Co.  and  he  said  he  had  just  came 
from  Capt.  Seeley  and  Capt.  Seeley  told  him  to  tell 


16  THE  REAL  DOPE 

all  the  N.  C.  O.  officers  like  sargents  and  corporals 
that  if  a  sub  got  us  we  was  to  leave  the  privates 
get  into  the  boats  first  before  we  got  in  and  we 
wasn't  to  get  into  our  boats  till  all  the  privates  was 
safe  in  the  boats  because  we  would  probably  be 
cooler  and  not  get  all  excited  like  the  privates. 
So  you  see  Al  if  something  does  happen  us  birds 
will  have  to  take  things  in  hand  you  might  say 
and  we  will  have  to  stick  on  the  job  and  not  think 
about  ourself s  till  everybody  else  is  taken  care  of. 

Well  Lee  said  that  Doran  one  of  the  sailors  told 
him  something  on  the  quiet  that  didn't  never  get 
into  the  newspapers  and  that  was  about  one  of  the 
trips  that  come  off  in  December  and  it  seems  like  a 
whole  fleet  of  subs  got  on  to  it  that  some  transports 
was  comeing  so  they  layed  for  them  and  they  shot 
a  periscope  at  one  of  the  transports  and  hit  it 
square  in  the  middle  and  it  begun  to  sink  right 
away  and  it  looked  like  they  wouldn't  nobody  get 
into  the  boats  but  the  sargents  and  corporals  was 
as  cool  as  if  nothing  was  comeing  off  and  they 
quieted  the  soldiers  down  and  finely  got  them  into 
the  boats  and  the  N.  C.  O.  officers  was  so  cool  and 
done  so  well  that  when  Gen.  Pershing  heard  about  it 
he  made  this  rule  about  the  N.  C.  O.  officer  always 
waiting  till  the  last  so  they  could  kind  of  handle 
things.  But  Doran  also  told  Lee  that  they  was 
some  men  sunk  with  the  ship  and  they  was  all 
N.  C.  O.  officers  except  one  sailor  and  of  course  the 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  17 

ship  sunk  so  quick  that  some  of  the  corporals  and 
sargents  didn't  have  no  time  to  get  off  on  acct.  of 
haveing  to  wait  till  the  last.  So  you  see  that  when 
you  read  the  newspapers  you  don't  get  all  the  dope 
because  they  don't  tell  the  reporters  only  what  they 
feel  like  telling  them. 

Well  Al  I  guess  I  told  you  all  ready  about  me 
haveing  this  hunch  that  I  wouldn't  never  see  France 
and  I  guess  it  looks  now  more  then  ever  like  my 
hunch  was  right  because  if  we  get  hit  I  will  have 
to  kind  of  look  out  for  the  boys  that's  in  my  boat 
and  not  think  about  myself  till  everybody  else  is 
O.  K.  and  Doran  says  if  this  ship  ever  does  get 
hit  it  will  sink  quick  because  its  so  big  and  heavy 
and  of  course  the  heavier  a  ship  is  it  will  sink  all 
the  sooner  and  Doran  says  he  knows  they  are  laying 
for  us  because  he  has  made  five  trips  over  and  back 
on  this  ship  and  he  never  was  on  a  trip  when  a  sub 
didn't  get  after  them. 

Well  I  will  close  for  this  time  because  I  am  not 
feeling  very  good  Al  and  it  isn't  nothing  I  eat  or 
like  that  but  its  just  I  feel  kind  of  faint  like  I  use  to 
sometimes  when  I  would  pitch  a  tough  game  in 
St.  Louis  when  it  was  hot  or  something. 

Your  pal.  Jack. 


18  THE  REAL  DOPE 

On  the  Ship  Board,  Jan,  SS, 

JTTfRIEND  AL:  Well  I  all  ready  wrote  you  one 
-^  letter  today  but  I  kind  of  feel  like  I  better 
write  to  you  again  because  any  minute  we  are  libel 
to  hear  a  bang  against  the  side  of  the  boat  and  you 
know  what  that  means  and  I  have  got  a  hunch  that 
I  won't  never  get  off  of  the  ship  alive  but  will  go 
down  with  her  because  I  wouldn't  never  leave  the 
ship  as  long  as  they  was  anybody  left  on  her  rules 
or  no  rules  but  I  would  stay  and  help  out  till  every 
man  was  off  and  then  of  course  it  would  be  to  late 
but  any  way  I  would  go  down  feeling  like  I  had 
done  my  duty.  Well  Al  when  a  man  has  got  a  hunch 
like  that  he  would  be  a  sucker  to  not  pay  no  tension 
to  it  and  that  is  why  I  am  writeing  to  you  again 
because  I  got  some  things  I  want  to  say  before 
the  end. 

Now  old  pal  I  know  that  Florrie  hasn't  never 
warmed  up  towards  you  and  Bertha  and  wouldn't 
never  go  down  to  Bedford  with  me  and  pay  you  a 
visit  and  every  time  I  ever  give  her  a  hint  that  I 
would  like  to  have  you  and  Bertha  come  up  and 
see  us  she  always  had  some  excuse  that  she  was 
going  to  be  busy  or  this  and  that  and  of  course  I 
knew  she  was  trying  to  alibi  herself  and  the  truth 
was  she  always  felt  like  Bertha  and  her  wouldn't 
have  nothing  in  common  you  might  say  because 


[  MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  19 

Florrie  has  always  been  a  swell  dresser  and  cared 
a  whole  lot  about  how  she  looked  and  some  way 
she  felt  like  Bertha  wouldn't  feel  comfortable 
around  where  she  was  at  and  maybe  she  was  right 
but  we  can  forget  all  that  now  Al  and  I  can  say 
one  thing  Al  she  never  said  nothing  reflecting  on 
you  yourself  in  any  way  because  I  wouldn't  of 
stood  for  it  but  instead  of  that  when  I  showed  her 
that  picture  of  you  and  Bertha  in  your  wedding 
suit  she  made  the  remark  that  you  looked  like  one 
of  the  honest  homely  kind  of  people  that  their 
friends  could  always  depend  on  them.  Well  Al 
when  she  said  that  she  hit  the  nail  on  the  head  and 
I  always  knew  you  was  the  one  pal  who  I  could 
depend  on  and  I  am  depending  on  you  now  and  I 
know  that  if  I  am  laying  down  at  the  bottom  of  the 
ocean  tonight  you  will  see  that  my  wishs  in  this  let- 
ter is  carried  out  to  the  letter. 

What  I  want  to  say  is  about  Florrie  and  little 
AL  Now  don't  think  Al  that  I  am  going  to  ask 
you  for  financial  assistants  because  I  would  know 
better  then  that  and  besides  we  don't  need  it  on  acct. 
of  me  having  $10000  dollars  soldier  insurence  in 
Florrie's  name  as  the  benefitter  and  the  way  she  is 
coining  money  in  that  beauty  parlor  she  won't 
need  to  touch  my  insurence  but  save  it  for  little 
Al  for  a  rainy  day  only  I  suppose  that  the  minute 
she  gets  her  hands  on  it  she  will  blow  it  for  widows 


m  THE  REAL  DOPE 

weeds  and  I  bet  they  will  be  some  weeds  Al  and 
everybody  will  think  they  are  flowers  instead  of 
weeds. 

But  what  I  am  getting  at  is  that  she  won't  need 
no  money  because  with  what  I  leave  her  and  what 
she  can  make  she  has  got  enough  and  more  then 
enough  but  I  often  say  that  money  isn't  the  only 
thing  in  this  world  and  they's  a  whole  lot  of  things 
pretty  near  as  good  and  one  of  them  is  kindness 
and  what  I  am  asking  from  you  and  Bertha  is  to 
drop  in  on  her  once  in  a  while  up  in  Chi  and  pay 
her  a  visit  and  I  have  all  ready  wrote  her  a  letter 
telling  her  to  ask  you  but  even  if  she  don't  ask 
you  go  and  see  her  any  way  and  see  how  she  is 
getting  along  and  if  she  is  takeing  good  care  of 
the  kid  or  leaving  him  with  the  Swede  nurse  all  the 
while. 

Between  you  and  I  Al  what  I  am  scared  of  most 
is  that  Florrie's  mind  will  be  effected  if  anything 
happens  to  me  and  without  knowing  what  she  was 
doing  she  would  probably  take  the  first  man  that 
asked  her  and  believe  me  she  is  not  the  kind  that 
would  have  to  wait  around  on  no  st.  corner  to  catch 
somebody's  eye  but  they  would  follow  her  around 
and  nag  at  her  till  she  married  them  and  I  would 
feel  like  he — 11  over  it  because  Florrie  is  the  kind  of 
a  girl  that  has  got  to  be  handled  right  and  not 
only  that  but  what  would  become  of  little  Al  with 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  gl 

some  horse  Dr.  for  a  father  in  law  and  probably 
this  bird  would  treat  him  like  a  dog  and  beat  him 
up  either  that  or  make  a  sissy  out  of  him. 

Well  Al  old  pal  I  know  you  will  do  like  I  ask  and 
go  and  see  her  and  maybe  you  better  go  alone  but 
if  you  do  take  Bertha  along  I  guess  it  would  be 
better  and  not  let  Bertha  say  nothing  to  her  be- 
cause Florrie  is  the  kind  that  flare  up  easy  and 
specially  when  they  think  they  are  a  little  better 
then  somebody.  But  if  you  could  just  drop  her  a 
hint  and  say  that  she  should  ought  to  be  proud  to 
be  a  widow  to  a  husband  that  died  for  Uncle  Sam 
and  she  ought  to  live  for  my  memory  and  for  little 
Al  and  try  and  make  him  as  much  like  I  as  possible 
I  believe  it  would  make  her  think  and  any  way  I 
want  you  to  do  it  for  me  old  pal. 

Well  good  by  old  pal  and  I  wished  I  could  leave 
some  thing  to  you  and  Bertha  and  believe  me  I 
would  if  I  had  ever  known  this  was  comeing  oiF 
this  way  though  of  course  I  figured  right  along 
that  I  wouldn't  last  long  in  France  because  what 
chance  has  a  corporal  got?  But  I  figured  I  would 
make  some  arrangements  for  a  little  present  for 
you  and  Bertha  as  soon  as  I  got  to  France  but  of 
course  it  looks  now  like  I  wouldn't  never  get  there 
and  all  the  money  I  have  got  is  tied  up  so  its  to  late 
to  think  of  that  and  all  as  I  can  say  is  good  luck 
to  you  and  Bertha  and  everybody  in  Bedford  and  I 


22  THE  REAU  DOPE 

hope  they  will  be  proud  of  me  and  remember  I 
done  my  best  and  I  often  say  what  more  can  a  man 
do  then  that? 

Well  Al  I  will  say  good  by  again  and  good  luck 
and  now  have  got  to  quit  and  go  to  chow. 
Your  pal  to  the  last, 

Jack  Keefe. 


On  the  Ship  Board,  Jan,  24„ 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  this  has  been  some  day 
-*  and  wait  till  you  hear  about  it  and  hear  what 
come  off  and  some  of  the  birds  on  this  ship  took 
me  for  a  sucker  and  tried  to  make  a  rummy  out  of 
me  but  I  was  wise  to  their  game  and  I  guess  the 
shoe  is  on  the  other  foot  this  time. 

Well  it  was  early  this  a.  m.  and  I  couldn't  sleep 
and  I  was  up  on  deck  and  along  come  one  of  them 
French  officers  that's  been  on  board  all  the  way 
over.  Well  I  thought  I  would  try  myself  out  on 
him  like  Lee  said  he  done  so  I  give  him  a  salute  and 
I  said  to  him  "Schones  tag  nicht  wahr."  Like  you 
would  say  its  a  beautiful  day  only  I  thought  I  was 
saying  it  in  French  but  wait  till  you  hear  about 
itAl. 

Well  Al  they  ain't  nobody  in  the  world  fast 
enough  to  of  caught  what  he  said  back  to  me  and 
I  won't  never  know  what  he  said  but  I  won't  never 
forget  how  he  looked  at  me  and  when  I  took  one 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  ^3 

look  at  him  I  seen  we  wasn't  going  to  get  along 
very  good  so  I  turned  around  and  started  up  the 
deck.  Well  he  must  of  flagged  the  first  man  he 
seen  and  sent  him  after  me  and  it  was  a  2d.  lieut. 
and  he  come  running  up  to  me  and  stopped  me  and 
asked  me  what  was  my  name  and  what  Co.  and  etc. 
and  at  first  I  was  going  to  stall  and  then  I  thought 
I  better  not  so  I  told  him  who  I  was  and  he  left 
me  go. 

Well  I  didn't  know  then  what  was  comeing  off 
so  I  just  layed  low  and  I  didn't  have  to  wait  around 
long  and  all  of  a  sudden  a  bird  from  the  Colonel's 
staff  found  me  in  the  parlor  and  says  I  was  wanted 
right  away  and  when  I  got  to  this  room  there  was 
the  Col.  and  the  two  Frenchmans  and  my  captain 
Capt.  Seeley  and  a  couple  others  so  I  saluted  and 
I  can't  tell  you  exactly  what  come  off  because  I 
can't  remember  all  what  the  Colonel  said  but  it 
was  something  like  this. 

In  the  first  place  he  says  ^'Corporal  Keefe  they's 
some  little  matters  that  you  have  got  to  explain  and 
we  was  going  to  pass  them  up  first  on  the  grounds 
that  Capt.  Seeley  said  you  probably  didn't  know 
no  better  but  this  thing  that  come  off  this  a.  m. 
can't  be  explained  by  ignorants." 

So  then  he  says  "It  was  reported  that  you  was 
standing  on  deck  the  night  before  last  and  you 
made  the  remark  that  we  had  a  he — 11  of  a  censor 
ship."  And  he  says  "What  did  you  mean  by  that.?" 


M  THE  REAL  DOPE 

So  you  see  Al  this  smart  alex  of  a  Lee  had  told 
me  they  called  the  first  ship  the  censor  ship  and  I 
believed  him  at  first  because  I  was  thinking  about 
something  else  or  of  course  I  never  would  of  be- 
lieved him  because  the  censor  ship  isn't  no  ship 
like  this  kind  of  a  ship  but  means  something  else. 
So  I  explained  about  that  and  I  seen  Capt.  Seeley 
kind  of  crack  a  smile  so  then  I  knew  I  was  O.  K. 

So  then  he  pulled  it  on  me  about  speaking  to 
Capt.  Somebody  of  the  French  army  in  the  German 
language  and  of  course  they  was  only  one  answer 
to  that  and  you  see  the  way  it  was  Al  all  the  time 
Smith  was  pretending  to  learn  us  French  he  was 
learning  us  German  and  Lee  put  him  up  to  it  but 
when  the  Colonel  asked  me  what  I  meant  by  doing 
such  a  thing  as  talk  German  why  of  course  I  knew 
in  a  minute  that  they  had  been  trying  to  kid  me  but 
at  first  I  told  the  Colonel  I  couldn't  of  said  no 
German  because  I  don't  know  no  more  German  than 
Silk  O'Loughlin.  Well  the  Frenchman  was  pretty 
sore  and  I  don't  know  what  would  of  came  off  only 
for  Capt.  Seeley  and  he  spoke  up  and  said  to  the 
Colonel  that  if  he  could  have  a  few  minutes  to 
investigate  he  thought  he  could  clear  things  up 
because  he  figured  I  hadn't  intended  to  do  nothing 
wrong  and  somebody  had  probably  been  playing 
jokes. 

So  Capt.  Seeley  went  out  and  it  seemed  like  a 
couple  of  yrs,  till  he  came  back  and  he  had  Smith 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  25 

and  Lee  and  Doran  with  him.  So  then  them  3 
birds  was  up  on  the  carpet  and  I'll  say  they  got 
some  panning  and  when  it  was  all  over  the  Colonel 
said  something  about  they  being  a  dam  site  to 
much  kidding  back  and  fourth  going  on  and  he 
hoped  that  before  long  we  would  find  out  that  this 
war  wasn't  no  practicle  joke  and  he  give  Lee  and 
Smith  a  fierce  balling  out  and  he  said  he  would 
leave  Capt.  Seeley  to  deal  with  them  and  he  would 
report  Doran  to  the  proper  quarters  and  then  he 
was  back  on  me  again  and  he  said  it  looked  like  I 
had  been  the  innocent  victim  of  a  practicle  joke 
but  he  says  "You  are  so  dam  innocent  that  I  figure 
you  are  temperately  unfit  to  hold  on  to  a  corporal's 
warrant  so  you  can  consider  yourself  reduced  to  the 
ranks.  We  can't  have  no  corporals  that  if  some 
comedian  told  them  the  Germans  was  now  one  of 
our  allies  they  would  try  and  get  in  the  German 
trenches  and  shake  hands  with  them." 

Well  Al  when  it  was  all  over  I  couldn't  hardly 
keep  from  laughing  because  you  see  I  come  out  of 
it  O.  K.  and  the  laugh  was  on  Smith  and  Lee  and 
Doran  because  I  got  just  what  I  wanted  because 
I  never  did  want  to  be  a  corporal  because  it  meant  I 
couldn't  pal  around  with  the  boys  and  be  their  pals 
and  I  never  felt  right  when  I  was  giveing  them 
orders  because  I  would  rather  be  just  one  of  them 
and  make  them  feel  like  we  were  all  equals. 

Of  course  they  wasn't  no  time  on  the  whole  trip 


26  THE  REAL  DOPE 

when  Lee  or  Doran  or  Smith  either  one  of  them 
had  me  fooled  because  just  to  look  at  them  you 
would  know  they  are  the  kind  of  smart  alex  that's 
always  trying  to  put  something  over  on  somebody 
only  I  figured  two  could  play  at  that  game  as  good 
as  one  and  I  would  kid  them  right  back  and  give 
them  as  good  as  they  sent  because  I  always  figure 
that  the  game  ain't  over  till  the  ninth  inning  and 
the  man  that  does  the  laughing  then  has  got  all 
the  best  of  it.  But  at  that  I  don't  bear  no  bad 
will  towards  neither  one  of  them  and  I  have  got 
a  good  notion  to  ask  Capt.  Seeley  to  let  them  off 
easy. 

Well  Al  this  is  a  long  letter  but  I  wanted  you  to 
know  I  wasn't  no  corporal  no  more  and  if  a  sub 
hits  us  now  Al  I  can  hop  into  a  boat  as  quick  as  I 
feel  like  it  but  jokeing  a  side  if  something  like  that 
happened  it  wouldn't  make  no  difference  to  me  if 
I  was  a  corporal  or  not  a  corporal  because  I  am  a 
man  and  I  would  do  my  best  and  help  the  rest  of 
the  boys  get  into  the  boats  before  I  thought  about 
myself.  Your  pal.  Jack. 


On  the  Ship  Board,  Jan.  25. 

JTfRIEND  AL:  Well  old  pal  just  a  hne  to  let 
■^  you  know  we  are  out  of  the  danger  zone  and 
pretty  near  in  port  and  I  can't  tell  you  where  we 
land  at  but  everybody  is  hollering  and  the  band's 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  27 

playing  and  I  guess  the  boys  feels  a  whole  lot  bet- 
ter then  when  we  was  out  there  where  the  subs  could 
.get  at  us  but  between  you  and  I  Al  I  never  thought 
about  the  subs  all  the  way  over  only  when  I  heard 
somebody  else  talk  about  them  because  I  always 
figure  that  if  they's  some  danger  of  that  kind  the 
best  way  to  do  is  just  forget  it  and  if  its  going 
to  happen  all  right  but  what's  the  use  of  worrying 
about  it?  But  I  suppose  lots  of  people  is  built 
different  and  they  have  just  got  to  worry  all  the 
while  and  they  get  scared  stiff  just  thinking  about 
what  might  happen  but  I  always  say  nobody  ever 
got  fat  worrying  so  why  not  just  forget  it  and 
take  things  as  they  come. 

Well  old  pal  they's  to  many  sights  to  see  so  I 
will  quit  for  this  time.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Somewheres  m  France,  Jan,  26, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  old  pal  here  we  are  and  its 
-^  against  the  rules  to  tell  you  where  we  are  at 
but  of  course  it  don't  take  no  Shylock  to  find  out 
because  all  you  would  have  to  do  is  look  at  the 
post  mark  that  they  will  put  on  this  letter. 

Any  way  you  couldn't  pronounce  what  the  town's 
name  is  if  you  seen  it  spelled  out  because  it  isn't 
nothing  like  how  its  spelled  out  and  you  won't 
catch  me  trying  to  pronounce  none  of  these  names 


28  THE  REAL  DOPE 

or  talk  French  because  I  am  off  of  languages  for 
a  while  and  good  old  American  is  good  enough  for 
me  eh  Al? 

Well  Al  now  that  its  all  over  I  guess  we  was 
pretty  lucky  to  get  across  the  old  pond  without 
no  trouble  because  between  you  and  I  Al  I  heard 
just  a  little  while  ago  from  one  of  the  boys  that 
three  nights  ago  we  was  attacked  and  our  ship 
just  missed  getting  hit  by  a  periscope  and  the  de- 
stroyers went  after  the  subs  and  they  was  a  whole 
flock  of  them  and  the  reason  we  didn't  hear  nothing 
is  that  the  death  bombs  don't  go  off  till  they  are 
way  under  water  so  you  can't  hear  them  but  be- 
tween you  and  I  Al  the  navy  men  say  they  was 
nine  subs  sank. 

Well  I  didn't  say  nothing  about  it  to  the  man 
who  tipped  me  off  but  I  had  a  hunch  that  night 
that  something  was  going  on  and  I  don't  remember 
now  if  it  was  something  I  heard  or  what  it  was  but 
I  knew  they  was  something  in  the  air  and  I  was 
expecting  every  minute  that  the  signal  would  come 
for  us  to  take  to  the  boats  but  they  wasn't  no  ne- 
cessity of  that  because  the  destroyers  worked  so 
fast  and  besides  they  say  they  don't  never  give  no 
alarm  till  the  last  minute  because  they  don't  want 
to  get  everybody  up  at  night  for  nothing. 

Well  any  way  its  all  over  now  and  here  we  are 
and  you  ought  to  of  heard  the  people  in  the  town 
here  cheer  us  when  we  come  in  and  you  ought  to  see 


MANY  A  STORMY  WIND  29 

how  the  girls  look  at  us  and  believe  me  Al  they  are 
some  girls.  Its  a  good  thing  I  am  an  old  married 
m.an  or  I  believe  I  would  pretty  near  be  tempted  to 
flirt  back  with  some  of  the  ones  that's  been  trying 
to  get  my  eye  but  the  way  it  is  I  just  give  them 
a  smile  and  pass  on  and  they's  no  harm  in  that 
and  I  figure  a  man  always  ought  to  give  other 
people  as  nmch  pleasure  as  you  can  as  long  as  it 
don't  harm  nobody. 

Well  Al  everybody's  busier  then  a  chicken  with 
their  head  off  and  I  haven't  got  no  more  time  to 
write.  But  when  we  get  to  where  we  are  going  I 
will  have  time  maybe  and  tell  you  how  we  are  get- 
ting along  and  if  you  want  drop  me  a  line  and  I 
wish  you  would  send  me  the  Chi  papers  once  in  a 
while  especially  when  the  baseball  training  trips 
starts  but  maybe  they  won't  be  no  Jack  Keefe  to 
send  them  to  by  that  time  but  if  they  do  get  me 
I  will  die  fighting.    You  know  me  Al. 

Your  pal. 

Jack. 


CHAPTER  II 


PEIVATE   VALENTINE 


Somewheres  in  Frcmce,  Feb,  2. 

JTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  here  I  am  only  I  can't 
-^  tell  you  where  its  at  because  the  censor  rubs 
it  out  when  you  put  down  the  name  of  a  town  and 
besides  that  even  if  I  was  to  write  out  where  we 
are  at  you  wouldn't  have  no  idear  where  its  at  be- 
cause how  you  spell  them  hasn't  nothing  to  do 
with  their  name  if  you  tried  to  say  it. 

For  inst.  they's  a  town  a  little  ways  from  us 
that  when  you  say  it  its  Lucy  like  a  gal  or  some- 
thing but  when  you  come  to  spell  it  out  its  Loucey 
like  something  else. 

Well  Al  any  way  this  is  where  they  have  got 
us  staying  till  we  get  called  up  to  the  front  and 
I  can't  hardly  wait  till  that  comes  off  and  some 
say  it  may  be  tomorrow  and  others  say  we  are 
libel  to  be  here  a  yr.  Well  I  hope  they  are  wrong 
because  I  would  rather  live  in  the  trenches  then  one 
of  these  billets  where  they  got  us  and  between  you 
and  I  Al  its  nothing  more  then  a  barn.  Just  think 
of  a  man  like  I  Al  thats  been  use  to  nothing  only 
the  best  hotels  in  the  big  league  and  now  they  got 

30 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  31 

me  staying  in  a  barn  like  I  was  a  horse  or  some- 
thing and  I  use  to  think  I  was  cold  when  they  had 
us  sleeping  with  imaginery  blankets  out  to  Camp 
Grant  but  I  would  prespire  if  I  was  there  now  after 
this  and  when  we  get  through  here  they  can  send 
us  up  to  the  north  pole  in  our  undershirt  and  we 
would  half  to  keep  moping  the  sweat  off  of  our 
forehead  and  set  under  a  electric  fan  to  keep  from 
sweltering. 

Well  they  have  got  us  pegged  as  horses  all  right 
not  only  because  they  give  us  a  barn  to  live  in  but 
also  from  the  way  they  sent  us  here  from  where  we 
landed  at  in  France  and  we  made  the  trip  in  cattle 
cars  and  1  of  the  boys  says  they  must  of  got  us 
mixed  up  with  the  calvary  or  something.  It  cer- 
tainly was  some  experience  to  be  rideing  on  one  of 
these  French  trains  for  a  man  that  went  back  and 
fourth  to  the  different  towns  in  the  big  league  and 
back  in  a  special  Pullman  and  sometimes  2  of  them 
so  as  we  could  all  have  lower  births.  Well  we 
didn't  have  no  births  on  the  French  R.  R.  and  it 
wouldn't  of  done  us  no  good  to  of  had  them  be- 
cause you  wouldn't  no  sooner  dose  off  when  the  en- 
gine would  let  off  a  screem  that  sounded  Hke  a 
woman  that  seen  a  snake  and  1  of  the  boys  says 
that  on  acct.  of  all  the  men  being  in  the  army  they 
had  women  doing  the  men's  work  and  judgeing  by 
the  noise  they  even  had  them  whistleing  for  the 
crossings. 


32  THE  REAL  DOPE 

Well  we  finely  got  here  any  way  and  they  signed 
us  to  our  different  billets  and  they's  20  of  us  in 
this  one  not  counting  a  couple  of  pigs  and  god 
knows  how  many  rats  and  a  cow  that  mews  all 
night.  We  haven't  done  nothing  yet  only  look 
around  but  Monday  we  go  to  work  out  to  the  train- 
ing grounds  and  they  say  we  won't  only  half  to 
march  12  miles  through  the  mud  and  snow  to  get 
there.  Mean  time  we  set  and  look  out  the  cracks 
onto  Main  St.  and  every  little  wile  they's  a  Co.  of 
pollutes  marchs  through  or  a  train  of  motor  Lauras 
takeing  stuff  up  to  the  front  or  bringing  guys 
back  that  didn't  duck  quick  enough  and  to  see  these 
Frenchmens  march  you  would  think  it  was  fun  but 
when  they  have  been  at  it  a  wile  they  will  loose 
some  of  their  pep. 

Well  its  warmer  in  bed  then  setting  here  write- 
ing  so  I  will  close  for  this  time.         Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Somewheres  m  France,  Feb,  i. 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  am  writeing  this  in 
-^  the  Y.  M.  C.  A.  hut  where  they  try  and  keep 
it  warm  and  all  the  boys  that  can  crowd  in  spends 
most  of  their  spare  time  here  but  we  don't  have 
much  spare  time  at  that  because  Its  always  one 
thing  another  and  I  guess  its  just  as  well  they  keep 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  S3 

us  busy  because  every  time  they  find  out  you  are 
not  doing  nothing  they  begin  vaxinating  everybody. 

They's  enough  noise'  in  here  so  as  a  man  can't 
hear  yourself  think  let  alone  writeing  a  letter  so  if 
I  make  mistakes  in  spelling  and  etc.  in  this  letter 
you  will  know  why  it  is.  They  are  singing  the 
song  now  about  the  iDaby's  prayer  at  twilight  where 
the  little  girl  is  supposed  to  be  praying  for  her 
daddy  that's  a  soldier  to  take  care  of  himself  but 
if  she  was  here  now  she  would  be  praying  for  him 
to  shut  up  his  noise. 

W^ell  we  was  in  the  trenchs  all  day  not  the  regular 
ones  but  the  ones  they  got  for  us  to  train  in  them 
and  they  was  a  bunch  of  French  officers  trjang  to 
learn  us  how  to  do  this  in  that  and  etc.  and  some 
of  the  time  you  could  all  most  understand  what 
they  was  trying  to  tell  you  and  then  it  was  stuff 
we  learnt  the  first  wk.  out  to  Camp  Grant  and  I 
suppose  when  they  get  so  as  they  can  speak  a  few 
words  of  English  they  will  tell  us  we  ought  to 
stand  up  when  we  hear  the  Star  spangle  Banner. 
Well  we  was  a  pretty  sight  when  we  got  back  with 
the  mud  and  slush  and  everything  and  by  the  time 
they  get  ready  to  call  us  into  action  they  will  half 
to  page  us  in  the  morgue. 

About  every  2  or  3  miles  today  we  would  pass 
through  a  town  where  some  of  the  rest  of  the  boys 
has  got  their  billets  only  they  don't  call  it  miles  in 


34.  THE  REAL  DOPE 

France  because  that's  to  easy  to  say  but  instead 
of  miles  they  call  them  kilometts.  But  any  way 
from  the  number  of  jerk  water  burgs  we  went 
through  you  would  think  we  was  on  the  Monon 
and  the  towns  all  looks  so  much  like  the  other  that 
when  one  of  the  French  soldiers  gets  a  few  days 
leave  off  they  half  to  spend  most  of  it  looking  for 
land  marks  so  as  they  will  know  if  they  are  where 
they  live.  And  they  couldn't  even  be  sure  if  it  was 
warm  weather  and  their  folks  was  standing  out  in 
front  of  the  house  because  all  the  family s  is  just 
alike  with  the  old  Mr.  and  the  Mrs.  and  pigs  and 
a  cow  and  a  dog. 

Well  Al  they  say  its  pretty  quite  these  days  up 
to  the  front  and  the  boys  that's  been  around  here  a 
wile  says  you  can  hear  the  guns  when  they's  some- 
thing doing  and  the  wind  blows  this  way  but  we 
haven't  heard  no  guns  yet  only  our  own  out  to 
where  we  have  riffle  practice  but  everybody  says 
as  soon  as  spring  comes  and  the  weather  warms  up 
the  Germans  is  sure  to  start  something.  Well  I 
don't  care  if  they  start  anything  or  not  just  so  the 
weather  warms  up  and  besides  they  won't  never 
finish  what  they  start  unless  they  start  going  back 
home  and  they  won't  even  finish  that  unless  they 
show  a  whole  lot  more  speed  then  they  did  comeing. 
They  are  just  trying  to  throw  a  scare  into  some- 
body with  a  lot  of  junk  about  a  big  drive  they  are 
going  to  make  but  I  have  seen  birds  come  up  to 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  Q5 

hit  in  baseball  Al  that  was  going  to  drive  it  out 
of  the  park  but  their  drive  turned  out  to  be  a  hump 
back  liner  to  the  pitcher.  I  remember  once  when 
Speaker  come  up  with  a  couple  men  on  and  we  was 
2  runs  ahead  in  the  9th.  inning  and  he  says  to  me 
"Well  busher  here  is  where  I  hit  one  a  mile."  Well 
A]  he  hit  one  a  mile  all  right  but  it  was  %  a  mile 
up  and  the  other  %  a  mile  down  and  that's  the  way 
it  goes  with  them  gabby  gu^^s  and  its  the  same 
way  with  the  Germans  and  the^^  talk  all  the  time 
so  as  they  will  get  thirsty  and  that's  how  they 
like  to  be. 

Speaking  about  thirsty  Al  its  different  over  here 
then  at  home  because  when  a  man  in  uniform  wants 
a  drink  over  here  you  don't  half  to  hire  no  room  in 
a  hotel  and  put  on  your  nightgown  but  you  can 
get  it  here  in  your  uniform  only  what  they  call 
beer  here  we  would  pore  it  on  our  wheat  cakes  at 
home  and  they  got  2  kinds  of  wine  red  and  white 
that  you  could  climb  outside  of  a  bbl.  of  it  with- 
out asking  the  head  waiter  to  have  them  play  the 
Rosery.  But  they  say  the  champagne  is  O.  K.  and  I 
am  going  to  tackle  it  when  I  get  a  chance  and  you 
may  think  from  that  that  I  have  got  jack  to  throw 
away  but  over  here  Al  is  where  they  make  the  cham- 
pagne and  3^ou  can  get  a  qt.  of  it  for  about  a 
buck  or  %  what  you  would  pay  for  it  in  the  U.  S. 
and  besides  that  the  money  they  got  here  is  a  frank 
instead  of  a  dollar  and  a  frank  isn't  only  worth 


m  THE  REAL  DOPE 

about  $.19  cents  so  a  man  can  have  a  whole  lot 
better  time  here  and  not  cost  him  near  as  much. 

And  another  place  where  the  people  in  France 
has  got  it  on  the  Americans  and  that  is  that  when 
they  write  a  letter  here  they  don't  half  to  pay  noth- 
ing to  mail  it  but  when  you  write  to  me  you  have 
got  to  stick  a  5  cent  stamp  on  it  but  judgeing  by 
the  way  you  answer  my  letters  the  war  will  be  all 
over  before  you  half  to  break  a  dime.  Of  course 
I  am  just  jokeing  Al  and  I  know  why  you  don't 
write  much  because  you  haven't  got  nothing  to 
write  staying  there  in  Bedford  and  you  could  take 
a  post  card  and  tell  me  all  the  news  that  happened 
in  10  yrs.  and  still  have  room  enough  yet  to  say 
Bertha  sends  kind  regards. 

But  of  course  its  different  with  a  man  like  I  be- 

/   cause  I  am  always  where  they  is  something  big 

1       going  on  and  first  it  was  baseball  and  now  its  a 

I       bigger  game  yet  you  might  say  but  whatever  is 

I        going  on  big  you  can  always  count  on  me  being 

I       in  the  mist  of  it  and  not  buried  alive  in  no  Indiana 

\      X  roads  where  they  still  think  the  first  bounce  is 

x^ut.     But  of  course  I  l^now  it  is  not  your  fault 

that  you  haven't  been  ar(7und  and  seen  more  and  it 

ain't  every  man  that  cati  get  away  from  a  small 

town  and  make  a  name  for  themself  and  I  suppose 

I  ought  to  consider  mysejf  lucky. 

Well  Al  enough  for  this  time  and  I  will  write 
soon  again  and  I  would  like  to  hear  from  you  even 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  S7 

if  you  haven't  nothing  to  say  and  don't  forget  to 
send  me  a  Chi  paper  when  you  get  a  hold  of  one 
and  I  asked  Florrie  to  send  me  one  every  day  but 
asking  her  for  favors  is  hke  rolling  off  a  duck's 
back  you  might  say  and  its  first  in  one  ear  and 
then  the  other.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Somewheres  m  France,  Teh.  7. 

JTfRIEND  AL:  I  suppose  you  have  read  arti- 
-^  cles  in  the  papers  about  the  war  that's  wrote 
over  here  by  reporters  and  the  way  they  do  it  is 
they  find  out  something  and  then  write  it  up  and 
send  it  by  cablegrams  to  their  papers  and  then 
they  print  it  and  that's  what  you  read  in  the  papers. 
Well  Al  they's  a  whole  flock  of  these  here  re- 
porters over  here  and  I  guess  they's  one  for  every 
big  paper  in  the  U.  S.  and  they  all  wear  bands 
around  their  sleeves  with  a  C  on  them  for  civilian 
or  something  so  as  you  can  spot  them  comeing  and 
keep  your  mouth  shut.  Well  they  have  got  their 
head  quarters  in  one  of  the  towns  along  the  line 
but  they  ride  all  over  the  camp  in  automobiles  and 
this  evening  I  was  outside  of  our  billet  and  one  of 
them  come  along  and  seen  me  and  got  out  of  his 
car  and  come  up  to  me  and  asked  if  I  wasn't  Jack 
Keefe  the  White  Sox  pitcher.  Well  Al  he  writes 
for  one  of  the  Chi  papers  and  of  course  he  knows 


SB  THE  REAL  DOPE 

all  about  me  and  has  seen  me  work.  Well  he  asked 
me  a  lot  of  questions  about  this  in  that  and  I  didn't 
give  him  no  military  secrets  but  he  asked  me  how 
did  I  like  the  army  game  and  etc. 

I  asked  him  if  he  was  going  to  mention  about 
me  being  here  in  the  paper  and  he  says  the  censors 
wouldn't  stand  for  mentioning  no  names  until  you 
get  killed  because  If  they  mentioned  your  name  the 
Germans  would  know  who  all  was  here  but  after 
you  are  dead  the  Germans  don't  care  if  you  had 
been  here  or  not. 

But  he  says  he  would  put  It  In  the  paper  that  he 
was  talking  to  a  man  that  use  to  be  a  star  pitcher 
on  the  White  Sox  and  he  says  everybody  would 
know  who  It  was  he  was  talking  about  because  they 
wasn't  such  a  slue  of  star  pitchers  in  the  army 
that  it  would  take  a  civil  service  detective  to  find 
out  who  he  meant. 

So  we  talked  along  and  finely  he  asked  me  was 
I  going  to  write  a  book  about  the  war  and  I  said 
no  and  he  says  all  right  he  would  tell  the  paper 
that  he  had  ran  across  a  soldier  that  not  only  use 
to  be  a  ball  player  but  wasn't  going  to  write  a  book 
and  they  would  make  a  big  story  out  of  It. 

So  I  said  I  wouldn't  know  how  to  go  about  it  to 
write  a  book  but  when  I  went  around  the  world  with 
the  2  ball  clubs  that  time  I  use  to  write  some  poul- 
try once  in  a  wile  just  for  different  occasions  like 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  39 

where  the  boys  was  called  on  for  a  speech  or  some- 
thing and  they  didn't  know  what  to  say  so  I  would 
make  up  one  of  my  poems  and  the  people  would 
go  nuts  over  them. 

So  he  said  why  didn't  I  tear  off  a  few  patriotic 
poems  now  and  slip  them  to  him  and  he  would  send 
them  to  his  paper  and  they  would  print  them  and 
maybe  if  some  of  them  was  good  enough  somebody 
would  set  down  and  write  a  song  to  tliem  and  prob- 
ably everybody  would  want  to  buy  it  and  sing  it 
like  Over  There  and  I  would  clean  up  a  good  peace 
of  jack. 

Well  Al  I  told  him  I  would  see  if  I  could  think 
up  something  to  write  and  of  course  I  was  just 
stalling  him  because  a  soldier  has  got  something 
better  to  do  than  write  songs  and  I  will  leave  that  to 
the  birds  that  was  gun  shy  and  stayed  home.  But 
if  you  see  in  the  Chi  papers  where  one  of  the  re- 
porters was  talking  to  a  soldier  that  use  to  be  a 
star  pitcher  in  the  American  League  or  something 
you  will  know  who  they  mean.  He  said  he  would 
drop  by  in  a  few  days  again  and  see  if  I  had  some- 
thing wrote  up  for  him  but  I  will  half  to  tell  him 
I  have  been  to  busy  to  monkey  with  it. 

As  far  as  I  can  see  they's  enough  songs  all  ready 
wrote  up  about  the  war  so  as  everybody  in  the  army 
and  navy  could  have  1  a  peace  and  still  have  a  few 
left  over  for  the  boshs  and  that's  a  name  we  got  up 


tr 


40  THE  REAL  DOPE 

for  the  Germans  Al  and  instead  of  calling  them 
Germans  we  call  them  boshs  on  acct.  of  them  being 
so  full  of  bunk. 

Well  Al  one  of  the  burgs  along  the  line  is  where 
Jonah  Vark  was  born  when  she  was  alive.  It  seems 
like  France  was  mixed  up  in  another  war  along 
about  a  100  yrs.  ago  and  they  was  getting  licked 
and  Jonah  was  just  a  young  gal  but  she  dressed 
up  in  men's  coat  and  pants  and  went  up  to  the  front 
and  led  the  charges  with  a  horse  and  she  carried  a 
white  flag  and  the  Dutchmens  or  whoever  they  was 
fighting  against  must  of  thought  it  was  a  flag  of 
truants  and  any  way  they  didn't  fire  at  them  and 
the  French  captured  New  Orleans  and  win  the  war. 
The  Germans  is  trying  to  pull  the  same  stuff  on  our 
boys  now  and  lots  of  times  they  run  up  and  holler 
Conrad  like  they  was  going  to  give  up  and  when 
your  back  is  turned  they  whang  away  at  you  but 
they  won't  pull  none  of  that  stuff  on  me  and  when 
one  of  them  trys  to  Conrad  me  I  will  perculate  them 
with  a  bayonet. 

Well  Al  the  boys  is  starting  their  choir  practice 
and  its  good  night  and  some  times  I  wished  I  was  a 
deef  and  dumb  mujbf  and  couldn't  hear  nothing. 
Your  pal.  Jack, 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  41 


Somewheres  m  France,  Feb,  9. 

inyRIEND  AL:  WTell  Al  I  didn't  have  nothing 
-^  to  do  last  night  and  I  happened  to  think  about 
that  reporter  and  how  he  would  be  coraeing  along 
in  a  few  days  asking  for  that  poultry. 

I  figured  I  might  as  well  set  down  and  write  him 
up  a  couple  verses  because  them  fellows  is  hard  up 
for  articles  to  send  their  paper  because  In  the  first 
place  we  don't  tell  them  nothing  so  they  could  write 
it  up  and  when  they  write  it  the  censors  smeers  out 
everything  but  the  question  marks  and  dots  but  of 
course  they  would  leave  them  send  poems  because 
the  Germans  couldn't  make  head  or  tale  out  of  them. 
So  any  way  I  set  down  and  tore  off  3  verses  and  he 
says  they  ought  to  be  something  about  a  gal  in  it  so 
here  is  what  I  wrote : 

Near  a  year  ago  today 

Pres.  Wilson  of  the  U.  S.  1, 

had  something  to  say, 

"Germany  you  better  Jceep  away 

This  is  no  time  for  play  J'* 

When  it  come  time  to  go 

America  was  not  slow 

Each  one  said  good  by  to  their  girl  so  dear 

And  some  of  them  has  been  over  here 

since  last  year. 


42  THE  REAL  DOPE 

1  will  come  Jiome  xvhen  the  war  is  over 

Bach  to  the  U.S.A. 

So  don't  worry  little  girlie 

And  now  we  are  going  to  Berlin 

And  when  we  the  Kaiser  shin 

and  the  war  we  will  wi/n 

And  mahe  the  Kaiser  jump  out  of  his  shin. 

The  ones  that  stays  at  home 
Can  subscribe  to  the  liberty  loan 
And  some  day  we  will  come  home 
to  the  girles  that's  left  alone 
Old  Kaiser  Bill  is  up  against  it 
For  all  are  doing  their  bit. 
Pres.  Wilson  says  the  stars  and  stripes 
Will  always  fight  for  their  rights. 

That's  what  I  tore  off  and  when  he  comes  around 
again  I  will  have  it  for  him  and  if  you  see  it  in  the 
Chi  papers  you  will  know  who  wrote  it  up  and 
maybe  somebody  will  write  a  song  to  it  but  of  course 
they  can't  sign  my  name  to  it  unless  I  get  killed 
or  something  but  I  guess  at  that  they  ain't  so  many 
soldiers  over  here  that  can  turn  out  stuff  like  that 
but  what  my  friends  won't  be  pretty  sure  who 
wrote  it. 

But  if  something  does  happen  to  me  I  wished  you 
would  kind  of  keep  your  eyes  pealed  and  if  the 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  4S 

song  coraes  out  try  and  see  that  Florrie  gets  some 
jack  out  of  it  and  I  haven't  wrote  nothing  to  her 
about  it  because  she  is  Hke  all  other  wifes  and  when 
somebodys  else  husband  pulls  something  its  O.  K. 
but  if  their  own  husband  does  it  he  must  of  had  a 
snoot  full. 

Well  today  was  so  rotten  that  they  didn't  make 
us  go  nowheres  and  I'll  say  its  got  to  be  pretty 
rotten  when  they  do  that  and  the  meal  they  give 
us  tonight  wouldn't  of  bulged  out  a  grandaddy 
long  legs  and  I  and  my  buddy  Frank  Carson  was 
both  hungry  after  we  eat  and  I  suppose  you  will 
wonder  what  do  I  mean  by  buddy.  Well  Al  that's  a 
name  I  got  up  for  who  ever  you  pal  around  with  or 
bunk  next  to  them  and  now  everybody  calls  their 
pal  their  buddy.  Well  any  way  he  says  why  didn't 
we  go  over  to  the  Red  X  canteen  resturent  and  buy 
ourself  a  feed  so  we  went  over  and  its  a  little  shack 
where  the  Red  X  serves  you  a  pretty  good  meal  for 
1  frank  and  that's  about  $.19  cents  and  they  don't 
try  and  make  no  profits  on  it  but  just  run  them  so 
as  a  man  don't  half  to  go  along  all  the  wile  on  what 
the  army  hands  out  to  you. 

Well  they  was  3  janes  on  the  job  over  there  and 
S  of  them  would  be  safe  anywheres  you  put  them 
but  the  other  one  is  Class  A  and  her  old  woman 
must  of  been  pie  eyed  when  she  left  her  come  over 
here.  Well  Carson  said  she  belonged  to  him  because 
he  had  seen  her  before  and  besides  I  was  a  married 


U  THE  REAL  DOPE 

man  so  I  says  all  right  go  ahead  and  get  her.  Well 
Al  it  would  be  like  Terre  Haute  going  after  George 
Sisler  or  somebody  and  the  minute  we  blowed  in 
she  didn't  have  eyes  for  only  me  but  I  wasn't  going 
to  give  her  no  encouragement  because  we  were  here 
to  kill  Germans  and  not  ladys  but  I  wished  you 
could  of  seen  the  smile  she  give  me.  Well  she's 
just  as  much  a  American  as  I  or  you  but  of  course 
Carson  had  to  be  cute  and  try  to  pull  some  of  his 
French  on  her  so  he  says  Bon  soir  Madam  Moselle 
and  that  is  the  same  like  we  would  say  good  evening 
but  when  Carson  pulled  it  I  spoke  up  and  said 
"If  your  bones  is  soir  why  don't  you  go  and  take 
the  baths  somewhere.'^"  Pretending  like  I  thought 
he  meant  his  bones  were  sore.  Well  the  little  lady 
got  it  O.  K.  and  pretty  near  laughed  outright.  You 
see  Al  when  a  person  has  got  rhuematism  they  go 
and  take  the  baths  like  down  to  Mudlavia  so  I 
meant  if  his  bones  was  sore  he  better  go  somewheres 
like  that.  So  the  little  lady  tried  to  not  laugh  on 
acct.  of  me  being  a  stranger  but  she  couldn't  hardly 
help  from  busting  out  and  then  I  smiled  at  her  back 
and  after  that  Carson  might  as  well  of  been  mow- 
ing the  lawn  out  in  Nobody's  Land.  I  felt  kind  of 
sorry  the  way  things  broke  because  here  he  is  a 
man  without  no  home  ties  and  of  course  I  have  all 
ready  got  a  wife  but  Miss  Moselle  didn't  have  no 
eyes  for  him  and  that's  the  way  it  goes  but  what  can 
a  man  do  and  Carson  seen  how  it  was  going  and 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  45 

says  to  me  right  in  front  of  her  "Have  you  heard 
from  your  Mrs.  since  we  been  over?"  And  I  didn't 
dast  look  up  and  see  how  she  took  it. 

Well  they  set  us  up  a  pretty  good  feed  and  the  lit- 
tle lady  kept  asking  us  questions  like  how  long  had 
we  been  here  and  what  part  of  the  U.  S.  we  come  from 
and  etc.  and  finely  Carson  told  her  who  I  was  and  she 
popped  her  eyes  out  and  says  she  use  to  go  to  the 
ball  games  once  in  a  wile  in  N.  Y.  city  with  her  old 
man  and  she  didn't  never  think  she  would  meet  a 
big  league  pitcher  and  talk  to  them  and  she  says 
she  wondered  if  she  ever  seen  me  pitch.  Well  I 
guess  if  she  had  she  would  remember  it  specially  in 
N.  Y.  because  there  was  one  club  I  always  made 
them  look  like  a  fool  and  they  wasn't  the  only  club 
at  that  and  I  guess  they's  about  6  other  clubs  in 
the  American  League  that  if  they  had  seen  my  name 
in  the  dead  they  wouldn't  shed  off  enough  tears  to 
gum  up  the  infield. 

Well  when  we  come  out  she  asked  us  would  we 
come  again  and  we  said  yes  but  I  guess  its  best  for 
both  she  and  I  if  I  stay  away  but  I  said  we  would 
come  again  to  be  polite  so  she  said  au  revoir  and 
that's  like  you  would  say  so  long  so  I  said  au  reser- 
voir pretending  like  I  didn't  know  the  right  way 
to  say  it  but  she  seen  I  was  just  kidding  and 
laughed  and  she  is  the  kind  of  a  gal  that  gets  every- 
thing you  pull  and  bright  as  a  whip  and  her  and  I 
:^ovild  make  a  gogd  team  but  of  course  they's  no 


m  THE  REAL  DOPE  ' 

use  talking  about  it  the  way  I  am  tied  up  so  even 
when  I'm  sick  in  tired  of  the  regular  rations  I  won't 
dast  go  over  there  for  a  feed  because  it  couldn't 
do  nothing  only  harm  to  the  both  of  us  and  the 
best  way  to  do  with  those  kind  of  affairs  is  to  cut 
it  out  before  somebody  gets  hurt. 

Well  its  time  to  hop  into  the  feathers  and  I  only 
wished  it  was  feathers  but  feathers  comes  off  a 
chicken  or  something  and  I  guess  these  matteresses 
we  got  is  made  out  to  Gary  or  Indiana  Harbor  or 
somewheres.  Your  pal,  Jack. 

Somewheres  in  F ranee ^  Feb,  11, 

rrfRIEND  AL :  Well  Al  they's  several  of  the  boys 
•^  that  won't  need  no  motor  Laura  to  carry  their 
pay  for  the  next  couple  mos.  and  if  you  was  to  men- 
tion champagne  to  them  they  would  ask  for  a  bar- 
rage. I  was  over  to  the  Y.  M.  C.  A.  hut  last  night 
and  when  I  come  back  I  wished  you  could  of  seen 
my  buddys  and  they  was  2  of  them  that  was  still  able 
to  talk  yet  and  they  was  haveing  a  argument  be- 
cause one  of  them  wanted  to  pore  some  champagne 
in  a  dish  so  as  the  rats  would  get  stewed  and  the 
other  bird  was  trying  to  not  let  him  because  he  said 
it  always  made  them  mean  and  they  would  go  home 
and  beat  up  their  Mrs. 

It  seems  like  one  of  the  boys  had  a  birthday  and 
his  folks  is  well  off  and  they  had  sent  him  some 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  47 

jack  from  the  states  to  buy  blankets  and  etc.  with 
it  and  he  thought  it  would  be  a  sucker  play  to  load 
up  with  bed  close  when  spring  was  comeing  so  he 
loaded  up  with  something  else  and  some  of  the  boys 
with  him  and  for  50  or  60  franks  over  here  you 
can  get  enough  champagne  to  keep  the  dust  la^^ed 
all  summer  and  of  course  some  of  the  boys  hadn't 
never  tasted  it  before  and  they  thought  you  could 
bathe  in  it  like  beer.  They  didn't  pay  no  more 
tension  to  revelry  this  a.  m.  then  if  they  was  a  corps 
and  most  of  them  was  at  that  and  out  of  the  whole 
bunch  of  us  they  was  only  7  that  didn't  get  re- 
ported and  the  others  got  soaked  2  thirds  of  their 
pay  and  confined  to  their  quarters  and  Capt.  Seeley 
says  if  they  was  any  more  birthdays  in  his  Co.  we 
wouldn't  wind  the  celebration  up  till  sunrise  and 
then  it  would  be  in  front  of  a  fireing  squad.  Well 
Al  if  the  boys  can't  handle  it  no  better  then  that 
they  better  leave  it  alone  and  just  because  its  cheap 
that's  no  reason  to  try  and  get  it  all  at  once  because 
the  grapes  will  still  be  growing  over  here  yet  when 
all  us  birds  takes  our  teeth  off  at  night  with  our 
other  close. 

Well  Al  the  reporter  that  asked  me  to  write  up 
the  verses  ain't  been  around  since  and  probably  he 
has  went  up  to  the  front  or  somewheres  and  I  am 
glad  of  it  and  I  hope  he  forgets  all  about  It  be- 
cause In  the  first  place  I  am  not  one  of  the  kind 
that  is  crazy  to  get  in  the  papers  and  besides  I  am 


4g  THE  REAL  DOPE 

to  busy  to  be  monking  with  stuff  like  that.  Yes 
they  keep  us  on  the  jump  all  the  wile  and  we  are 
pretty  well  wore  out  when  night  comes  around  but 
a  man  wouldn't  mind  it  if  we  was  learning  some- 
thing but  the  way  it  is  now  its  like  as  if  we  had 
graduated  from  college  and  then  they  sent  us  to 
kindegarden  and  outside  of  maybe  a  few  skulls  the 
whole  regt.  is  ready  right  now  to  get  up  there  in 
the  trenches  and  show  them  something  and  I  only 
wished  we  was  going  tomorrow  but  I  guess  some  of 
the  boys  would  like  it  to  never  go  up  there  but 
would  rather  stay  here  in  this  burg  and  think  they 
was  haveing  a  good  time  kidding  with  the  French 
gals  and  etc.  but  that's  no  business  for  a  married 
man  and  even  if  I  didn't  have  no  family  the  French 
gals  I  seen  so  far  wouldn't  half  to  shew  me  away 
and  I  been  hearing  all  my  life  what  swell  dressers 
they  was  but  a  scout  for  the  FoUys  wouldn't  waist 
no  time  in  this  burg. 

But  I'm  sick  in  tired  of  the  same  thing  day  in 
and  day  out  and  here  we  been  in  France  2  wks.  and 
all  we  done  is  a  little  riffle  practice  and  stuff  we  had 
back  home  and  get  soping  wet  every  day  and  no 
mail  and  I  wouldn't  wonder  if  Florrie  and  little  Al 
had  forgot  all  about  me  and  if  Secty.  Daniels  wired 
them  that  Jack  Keefe  had  been  killed  they  would 
say  who  and  the  hell  is  he. 

So  all  and  all  they  can't  send  us  up  to  the  front 
to  quick  and  it  seems  like  a  shame  that  men  like  I 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  49 

should  be  held  back  just  because  they's  a  few  birds 
in  the  regt.  that  can't  put  on  a  gas  mask  yet  with- 
out triping  themself  up.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Somewheres  in  France,  Feb.  13. 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  wait  till  you  hear  this 
-^  and  I  bet  you  will  pop  your  eyes  out.  I 
guess  I  all  ready  told  you  about  Miss  Moselle  the 
little  lady  over  to  the  Red  X  canteen.  Well  I  was 
over  there  the  day  before  yesterday  and  she  wasn't 
around  nowheres  and  I  was  glad  of  it  because  I 
didn't  want  to  see  her  and  just  dropped  in  there  to 
get  something  to  eat  and  today  I  was  in  there  again 
and  this  time  she  was  there  and  she  smiled  when 
she  seen  me  and  come  up  and  begin  talking  and 
she  asked  me  how  I  liked  it  and  I  said  I  would  like 
it  a  whole  lot  better  if  we  was  in  the  fighting  and 
she  asked  me  if  I  didn't  like  this  town  and  I  said 
well  no  I  wasn't  nuts  about  it  and  she  said  she 
didn't  think  I  was  very  complementary  so  then  I 
seen  she  wanted  to  get  personal. 

Well  Al  she  knows  I  am  a  married  man  because 
Carson  just  as  good  as  told  her  so  I  didn't  see  no 
harm  in  kidding  her  along  a  wile  so  I  give  her  a 
smile  and  said  well  you  know  the  whole  town  ain't 
like  you  and  she  blushed  up  and  says  "Well  I 
didn't  expect  nothing  like  that  from  a  great  base- 


50  THE  REAL  DOPE 

ball  pitcher"  so  you  see  Al  she  had  been  makeing 
inquirys  about  me.  So  I  said  "Well  they  was  only 
one  pitcher  I  ever  heard  of  that  couldn't  talk  and 
that  was  Dummy  Taylor  but  at  that  they's  a  whole 
lot  of  them  that  if  they  couldn't  say  my  arm's 
sore  they  might  as  well  be  tongue  tied."  But  I 
told  her  I  wasn't  one  of  those  kind  and  I  guest 
when  it  csime  to  talking  I  could  give  as  good  as  I 
sent  and  she  asked  me  was  I  a  college  man  and  I 
kidded  her  along  and  said  yes  I  went  to  Harvard 
and  she  said  what  year  so  I  told  her  I  was  there 
S  diiferent  yrs.  and  we  talked  along  about  this  in 
that  and  I  happened  to  have  them  verses  in  my 
pocket  that  I  wrote  up  and  they  dropped  out  when 
I  was  after  my  pocket  book  and  she  acted  like  she 
wanted  to  know  what  the  writeing  was  so  I  showed 
them  to  her. 

Well  Al  I  wished  you  could  of  seen  how  supprlsed 
she  was  when  she  read  them  and  she  says  "So  you 
are  a  poet."  So  I  said  "Yes  I  am  a  poet  and  don't 
know  it"  so  that  made  her  laugh  and  I  told  her 
about  the  reporter  asking  me  to  write  some  poems 
and  then  she  asked  me  if  she  could  keep  a  hold  of 
those  ones  till  she  made  out  a  copy  of  them  to 
keep  for  herself  and  I  said  "You  can  keep  that 
copy  and  pretend  like  I  was  thinking  of  you  when 
I  wrote  them."  Well  Al  I  wished  you  could  of  seen 
her  then  and  she  couldn't  say  nothing  at  first  but 
finely  she  says  tomorrow  was  valentine  day  and  the 


PRIVATE  VALExNTINE  51 

verses  would  do  for  a  valentine  so  just  jokeing  I 
asked  her  if  she  wouldn't  rather  have  a  comical 
valentine  and  she  says  those  ones  would  do  O.  K. 
so  then  I  told  her  I  would  write  her  a  real  valentine 
for  herself  but  I  might  maybe  not  get  it  ready  in 
time  to  give  her  tomorrow  and  she  says  she  realized 
it  took  time  and  any  time  would  do. 

Well  of  course  I  am  not  going  to  write  up  noth- 
ing for  her  and  after  this  I  will  keep  away  from 
the  canteen  because  it  isn't  right  to  leave  her  see 
to  much  of  me  even  if  she  does  know  I  am  married 
but  if  I  do  write  her  something  I  will  make  it  com- 
ical and  no  mushy  stuff  in  it.  But  it  does  seem 
like  fate  or  something  that  the  harder  I  try  and 
not  get  mixed  up  in  a  flirtation  I  can't  turn  around 
you  might  say  but  what  they's  some  gal  poping 
up  on  my  trail  and  if  it  was  anybody  else  only  Miss 
Moselle  I  wouldn't  mind  but  she  is  a  darb  and  I 
wouldn't  do  nothing  to  hurt  her  for  the  world  but 
they  can't  nobody  say  this  is  my  fault. 

Well  Al  I  pretty  near  forgot  to  tell  you  that 
the  boys  is  putting  on  a  entertainment  over  to  the 
Y.  M.  C.  A.  Saturday  night  and  they  will  be  sing- 
ing and  gags  and  etc.  and  they  asked  me  would  I 
give  them  a  little  talk  on  baseball  and  I  said  no  at 
first  but  they  begged  me  and  finely  I  give  my  con- 
sent but  you  know  how  I  hate  makeing  speeches 
and  etc.  but  a  man  don't  hardly  feel  like  refuseing 
when  they  want  me  so  bad  so  I  am  going  to  give 


52  THE  REAL  DOPE 

them  a  little  talk  on  my  experiences  and  make  it 
comical  and  I  wiU  tell  you  about  the  entertainment 
when  its  over.  Your  pal.  Jack. 

^omewheres  in  France,  Feb,  15, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  just  been  over  to  the 
-^  canteen  and  I  give  the  little  lady  the  valen- 
tine I  promised  to  write  up  for  her  and  I  wasn't 
going  to  write  it  up  only  I  happened  to  remember 
that  I  promised  so  I  wrote  something  up  and  I  was 
going  to  make  it  comical  but  I  figured  that  would 
disappoint  her  on  acct.  of  the  way  she  feels  towards 
me  so  here  is  what  I  wrote  up. 

To  Miss  Moselle 
(Private) 
A  soldier  don't  have  much  time 
To  set  down  and  write  up  a  valentine 
but  please  bear  in  mind 
That  I  think  about  you  many  a  time 
And  I  wished  I  could  call  you  mi/ne 
And  I  hope  they  will  come  a  time 
When  I  will  have  more  time 
And  then  everything  will  be  fine 
And  if  you  will  be  my  valentine 
I  will  try  and  show  you  a  good  time. 

Well  after  I  had  wrote  it  I  thought  I  better  have 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  5S 

it  fixed  up  like  a  valentine  and  thej's  one  of  the 
boys  in  our  Co.  named  Stoops  that  use  to  be  a 
artist  so  I  had  him  draw  me  a  couple  of  hearts  with 
a  bow  and  arrow  sticking  through  them  and  a  few 
flowers  on  a  peace  of  card  board  and  I  coppied  off 
the  valentine  on  the  card  in  printing  and  stuck  it 
in  a  envelope  and  took  it  over  to  her  and  I  didn't 
wait  for  her  to  open  it  up  and  look  at  it  and  I  just 
says  here  is  that  valentine  I  promised  you  and  its  1 
day  late  and  she  blushed  up  and  couldn't  say  noth- 
ing and  I  come  away.  Well  Al  she  has  read  it  by 
this  time  and  I  hope  she  don't  take  nothing  I  said 
serious  but  of  course  she  knows  I  am  a  married 
man  and  she  can  read  between  the  lines  and  see 
where  I  am  trying  to  let  her  down  easy  and  telling 
her  to  not  expect  no  more  tensions  from  me  and 
its  just  like  saying  good  by  to  her  in  a  way  only 
not  as  rough  as  comeing  right  out  and  saying  it. 
But  I  won't  see  her  no  more  and  its  all  over  before 
it  begun  you  might  say. 

Well  we  passed  some  German  prisoners  today  and 
believe  me  we  give  them  a  ride.  Everybody  called 
them  Heinie  and  Fritz  and  I  seen  one  of  them  give- 
ing  me  a  look  like  he  was  wondring  if  all  the  U.  S. 
soldiers  was  big  stroppers  like  I  but  I  stuck  out  my 
tongue  at  him  and  said  "What  do  you  think  you 
are  looking  at  you  big  pretzel"  and  he  didn't  dast 
say  nothing  back.  Well  they  was  a  fine  looking 
gang  and  they's  been  a  lot  of  storys  going  the 


H  THE  REAL  DOPB 

rounds  about  no  soap  in  Germany.     Well  Al  its 
all  true. 

Well  I  finely  got  a  letter  from  Florrie  that  is  if 
you  could  call  it  a  letter  and  to  read  it  you  wouldn't 
never  guess  that  she  had  a  husband  over  here  in 
France  and  maybe  never  see  him  again  but  you 
would  think  I  had  went  across  the  st.  to  get  a  bot- 
tle of  ketchup  and  all  as  she  said  about  little  Al 
was  that  he  needed  a  new  pair  of  shoes  and  they's 
about  as  much  news  in  that  as  if  she  said  he  woke 
up  in  the  night.  And  the  rest  of  the  letter  was 
about  how  good  she  was  doing  in  the  beauty  par- 
lor and  for  me  not  to  worry  about  her  because  she 
was  O.  K.  only  for  a  callous  on  her  heel  and  I  sup- 
pose she  will  go  to  the  hospital  with  it  and  here 
I  am  with  so  many  of  them  that  if  they  was  worth 
a  frank  a  peace  I  could  pay  the  Kaiser's  gas  bill. 
And  she  never  asked  me  did  I  need  anything  or  how 
was  I  getting  along.  And  she  enclosed  a  snapshot 
of  herself  in  one  of  these  here  war  bride  outfits  and 
she  looks  so  good  in  it  that  I  bet  she  goes  to  church 
every  Sunday  and  asks  god  to  prolongate  the  war. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  05 

Somewheres  m  France,  Feb,  16, 

JTTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  they's  a  certain  bird  In 
-^  this  camp  that  if  I  ever  find  out  who  he  is  they 
won't  need  no  tonnages  to  carry  him  back  when  the 
war's  over.  Let  me  tell  you  what  come  off  tonight 
and  what  was  pulled  off  on  the  little  lady  and  I 
and  if  you  read  about  me  getting  in  front  of  the 
court  marshall  for  murder  you  will  know  how  it 
come  off. 

I  guess  I  all  ready  told  you  about  the  show  that 
was  comeing  off  tonight  and  they  asked  me  to  make 
a  little  talk  on  baseball.  Well  they  was  as  many 
there  as  could  crowd  in  and  the  band  played  and 
they  was  singing  and  gags  and  storys  and  etc.  and 
they  didn't  call  on  me  till  pretty  near  the  last. 
Well  Al  you  ought  to  of  heard  the  crowd  when  I 
got  up  there  and  it  sounded  like  old  times  to  have 
them  all  cheering  and  clapping  and  I  stepped  to  the 
front  of  the  platform  and  give  them  a  bow  and  it 
was  the  first  time  I  was  ever  on  the  stage  but  I 
wasn't  scared  only  at  first. 

Well  I  had  wrote  out  what  I  was  going  to  say 
and  learnt  the  most  of  it  by  heart  and  here  is  what 
I  give  them  only  I  won't  give  you  only  part  of  it 
because  it  run  pretty  long. 

"Gentlemen  and  friends.  I  am  no  speech  maker 
and  I  guess  if  I  had  to  make  speeches  for  a  liveing 
I  am  afraid  I  couldn't  do  it  but  the  boys  is  anxious 


56  THE  REAL  DOPE 

I  should  say  a  few  words  about  baseball  and  I  didn't 
want  to  disappoint  them.  They  may  be  some  of 
you  boys  that  has  not  followed  the  great  American 
game  very  close  and  maybe  don't  know  who  Jack 
Keefe  is.  Well  gentlemen  I  was  boughten  from 
Terre  Haute  in  the  Central  League  by  that  grand 
old  Roman  Charley  Comiskey  owner  of  the  Chicago 
White  Sox  in  1913  and  I  been  in  the  big  league 
ever  since  except  one  year  I  was  with  Frisco  and 
I  stood  that  league  on  their  head  and  Mr.  Comiskey 
called  me  back  and  I  was  still  starring  with  the 
Chicago  White  Sox  when  Uncle  Sam  sent  out  the 
call  for  men  and  I  quit  the  great  American  game 
to  enlist  in  the  greatest  game  of  all  the  game  we 
are  playing  against  the  Kaiser  and  we  will  win  this 
game  like  I  have  win  many  a  game  of  baseball  be- 
cause I  was  to  fast  for  them  and  used  my  brains 
and  it  will  be  the  same  with  the  Kaiser  and  America 
will  fight  to  the  drop  of  the  hat  and  make  the  world 
safe  for  democracy." 

Well  Al  I  had  to  stop  ^  or  3  minutes  while  they 
give  me  a  hand  and  they  clapped  and  hollered  at 
pretty  near  everything  I  said.  So  I  said  '*This 
war  reminds  me  a  good  deal  like  a  incident  that 
happened  once  when  I  was  pitching  against  the 
Detroit  club.  No  doubt  you  gentlemen  and  officers 
has  heard  of  the  famous  Hughey  Jennings  and 
his  eeyah  and  on  the  Detroit  club  is  also  the  famous 
Tyrus  Cobb  the  Creorgia  Peach  ^s  he  is  culled  a^d 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  6T 

I  want  to  pay  him  a  tribute  riglit  here  and  say  he 
is  one  of  the  best  ball  players  in  the  American 
League  and  a  great  hitter  if  you  don't  pitch  just 
right  to  him.  One  time  we  was  in  Detroit  for  a 
serious  of  games  and  we  had  loose  the  first  two 
games  do  to  bad  pitching  and  the  first  game  Eddie 
Cicotte  didn't  have  nothing  and  the  second  game 
Faber  was  in  the  same  boat  so  on  this  morning  I 
refer  to  Manager  Rowland  come  up  to  me  in  the 
lobby  of  the  Tuller  hotel  and  said  how  do  you  feel 
Jack  and  I  said  O.  K.  Clarence  why  do  you  ask? 
And  he  said  well  we  have  loose  2  games  here  and 
we  have  got  to  grab  this  one  this  p.  m.  and  if  you 
feel  O.  K.  I  will  work  you  because  I  know  you 
have  got  them  licked  as  soon  as  you  walk  out  there. 
So  I  said  all  right  Clarence  you  can  rely  on  me. 
And  that  p.  m.  I  give  them  3  hits  and  shut  them 
out  and  Cobb  come  up  in  the  ninth  innings  with 
two  men  on  bases  and  two  men  out  and  Ray  Schalk 
our  catcher  signed  me  for  a  curve  ball  but  I  shook 
my  head  and  give  him  my  floater  and  the  mighty 
Cobb  hit  that  ball  on  a  line  to  our  right  fielder 
Eddie  Murphy  and  the  game  was  over. 

"This  war  is  a  good  deal  like  baseball  gentlemen 
because  it  is  stratejy  that  wins  and  no  matter  how 
many  soldiers  a  gen.  has  got  he  won't  get  nowheres 
without  he  uses  his  brains  and  its  the  same  in  base- 
ball and  the  boys  that  stays  in  the  big  league  is 
the  boys  that  can  think  and  when  this  war  is  over 


S8  THE  REAL  DOPH 

I  hope  to  go  back  and  begin  where  I  left  off  and 
win  a  pennant  for  Charley  Comiskey  the  old  Roman 
in  the  American  League." 

Well  Al  they  was  a  regular  storm  when  I  got 
through  and  I  bowed  and  give  them  a  smile  and 
started  off  of  the  platform  but  a  sargent  named 
Avery  from  our  Co.  stopped  me  and  set  me  down 
in  a  chair  and  says  I  was  to  wait  a  minute  and  I 
thought  of  course  they  was  going  to  give  me  a  cup 
or  something  though  I  didn't  expect  nothing  of 
the  kind  but  I  hadn't  no  sooner  set  down  when 
Sargent  Avery  stepped  up  to  the  front  of  the  plat- 
form and  says  "Gentlemen  I  want  to  say  to  j^ou 
that  Private  Jack  Keefe  the  great  stratejest  is  not 
only  a  great  pitcher  and  a  great  speech  maker  but 
he  is  also  a  great  poet  and  if  you  don't  believe  me 
I  will  read  you  this  beautiful  valentine  that  he 
wrote  to  a  certain  lady  that  we  all  admire  and  who 
was  in  the  Red  X  canteen  up  till  today  when  she 
went  back  to  Paris  to  resume  other  dutys." 

Well  before  I  could  make  a  move  he  read  that 
crazy  valentine  and  of  course  they  wasn't  a  word 
in  it  that  I  was  serious  when  I  wrote  it  and  it  was 
all  a  joke  with  me  only  not  exactly  a  joke  neither 
because  I  was  really  trying  to  let  the  little  lady 
down  easy  and  tell  her  good  by  between  the  lines 
without  being  rough  with  it.  But  of  course  these 
boobs  pretended  like  they  thought  I  meant  it  all 
and  was  love  sick  or  something  and  they  hollered 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  SB 

like  a  bunch  of  Indians  and  clapped  and  razed 
he— 11. 

Well  Al  I  didn't  get  a  chance  to  see  Sargent 
Avery  after  it  was  over  because  he  blowed  right  out 
but  I  will  see  him  tomorrow  and  I  will  find  out  from 
him  who  stole  that  poem  from  Miss  Moselle  and  I 
wouldn't  be  supprised  if  the  reason  she  blowed  to 
Paris  was  on  acct.  of  missing  the  poem  and  figure- 
ing  some  big  bum  had  stole  it  off  her  and  they 
would  find  out  her  secret  and  make  things  misable 
for  her  and  the  chances  is  that's  why  she  blowed. 
Well  wait  till  I  find  out  who  done  it  and  they  will 
be  one  less  snake  in  this  regt.  and  the  sooner  you 
weed  those  kind  of  birds  out  of  the  army  you  will 
get  somewheres  and  if  you  don't  you  won't. 

But  the  poor  little  lady  Al  I  can't  help  from  feel- 
ing sorry  for  her  and  I  only  wished  I  could  go  to 
Paris  and  find  her  and  tell  her  to  not  worry  though 
of  course  its  best  if  she  don't  see  me  again  but  I'm 
sorry  it  had  to  come  off  this  way.       Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Somewheres  in  France,  Feb.  18, 

T^RIEND  AL:  Well  Al  this  may  be  the  last 
'*•  letter  you  will  ever  get  from  me  because  I  am 
waiting  now  to  find  out  what  they  are  going  to  do 
with  me  and  I  will  explain  what  I  mean. 

Yesterday  a.  m.  I  seen  Sargent  Avery  and  I 


60  THE  REAL  DOPE 

asked  him  if  I  could  talk  to  him  a  minute  and  he 
says  yes  and  I  said  I  wanted  to  find  out  from  him 
who  stole  that  valentine  from  Miss  Moselle.  So  he 
says  "Who  is  Miss  Moselle?"  So  I  said  "Why  that 
little  lady  in  the  canteen  that's  blowed  to  Paris." 
So  he  says  "Well  that  little  lady's  name  isn't  Miss 
Moselle  but  her  name  is  Ruth  Palmer  and  she  is  the 
daughter  of  one  of  the  richest  birds  in  N.  Y.  city 
and  they  wasn't  nobody  stole  no  valentine  from  her 
because  she  give  the  valentine  to  me  before  she  left." 
So  I  said  "What  do  you  mean  she  give  it  to  you.'*" 
So  he  says  "I  mean  she  give  it  to  me  and  when  she 
give  it  to  me  she  said  us  birds  was  in  the  same  Co. 
with  a  poet  and  didn't  know  it  and  she  thought  it 
was  about  time  we  was  finding  it  out.  So  she 
laughed  and  give  me  the  valentine  and  that's  the 
whole  story." 

Well  Al  I  had  a  20  frank  note  on  me  and  I  asked 
Sargent  Avery  if  he  wouldn't  like  some  champagne 
and  he  said  no  he  wouldn't.  But  that  didn't  stop  me 
Al  and  I  got  all  I  could  hold  onto  and  then  some 
and  I  snuck  in  last  night  after  lights  out  and  I 
(don't  know  if  anybody  was  wise  or  not  but  if  they 
are  its  libel  to  go  hard  with  me  and  Capt.  Seeley 
said  something  about  the  fireing  squad  for  the  next 
bird  that  cut  loose. 

Well  I  reported  sick  this  a.  m.  and  they  could 
tell  to  look  at  me  that  it  wasn't  no  stall  so  I'm  here 
and  the  rest  of  the  boys  is  gone  and  I  am  waiting 


PRIVATE  VALENTINE  61 

for  them  to  summons  me  before  the  court  marshall. 
But  listen  Al  if  they  do  Hke  Capt.  Seeley  said  jou 
can  bet  that  before  they  get  me  I  will  get  some  of 
these  birds  that's  been  calling  me  Private  Valentine 
ever  since  Saturday  night.         Your  pal, 

Jack. 


CHAPTER  III 


STRAGETl    AND    TRAGEDY 


Somewheres  in  France,  March  2, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  if  it  rains  a  couple 
•^  more  days  like  its  been  they  will  half  to  page 
the  navy  and  at  that  its  about  time  they  give  them 
something  to  do  and  I  don't  mean  the  chasers  and 
destroyers  and  etc.  that  acts  like  convoys  for  our 
troop  ships  and  throws  them  death  bombs  at  the  U 
boats  but  I  mean  the  big  battle  ships  and  I  bet  you 
haven't  heard  of  a  supper  dread  0  doing  nothing 
since  we  been  in  the  war  and  they  say  they  can't  do 
nothing  till  the  German  navy  comes  out  and  that's 
what  they're  waiting  for.  Well  Al  that's  a  good 
deal  like  waiting  for  the  30nd.  of  Feb.  or  for 
Jennings  to  send  his  self  up  to  hit  for  Cobb  and 
they  can  say  all  they  want  about  the  Germans  being 
bullet  proof  from  the  neck  up  but  they  got  some 
brains  and  you  can  bet  their  navy  ain't  comeing 
out  no  more  then  my  hair.  So  as  far  as  I  can  see 
a  man  being  on  a  supper  dread  0  is  just  like  you 
owned  a  private  yatch  "without  haveing  to  pay  for 
the  keep  up  and  when  they  talk  about  a  man  on  a 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  63 

big  U.  S.  battle  ship  in  danger  they  mean  he  might 
maybe  die  because  he  eat  to  much  and  no  exercise. 

So  if  I  was  them  I  would  send  the  big  ships  here 
so  as  we  could  use  them  for  motor  Lauras  and  I 
guess  they's  no  place  in  our  whole  camp  where  you 
couldn't  float  them  and  I  don't  know  how  it  Is  all 
over  France  but  if  they  was  a  baseball  league  be- 
tween the  towns  where  they  have  got  us  billeted  the 
fans  would  get  blear  eyed  looking  at  the  no  game 
sign  and  if  a  mgr.  worked  their  pitchers  in  turn 
say  it  was  my  turn  tomorrow  and  the  next  time  my 
turn  come  around  some  of  little  Al's  kids  would  half 
to  help  me  out  of  the  easy  chair  and  say  ''Come  on 
granpa  you  pitch  this  afternoon." 

Jokeing  a  side  Al  if  I  was  running  the  training 
camps  like  Camp  Grant  back  home  instead  of  start- 
ing the  men  off  with  the  regular  drills  and  hikes 
like  they  give  them  now  I  would  stand  them  under 
a  shower  bath  with  their  close  on  about  %  the 
time  and  when  it  come  time  for  a  hike  I  would  send 
them  back  and  fourth  across  Rock  River  and  back 
where  they  wasn't  no  bridge.  And  then  maybe 
when  they  got  over  here  France  wouldn't  be  such 
a  big  supprise. 

One  of  the  boys  has  put  a  sign  up  on  our  billet 
and  it  says  Noahs  Ark  on  it  and  maybe  you  have 
heard  that  old  gag  Al  about  the  big  flood  that 
everybody  was  drownded  only  Noah  and  his  folks 
and  a  married  couple  of  every  kind  of  animals  in 


64^  THE  REAL  DOPE 

the  world  and  they  wasn't  drownded  because  Noah 
had  a  Ark  for  them  to  get  in  out  of  the  wet.  Well 
Noahs  Ark  is  a  good  name  for  our  dump  and  be- 
lieve me  they  haven't  none  of  the  animals  been  over- 
looked and  we  are  also  going  Noah  one  better  and 
sheltering  all  the  bugs  and  some  of  them  is  dressed 
in  cocky. 

Well  I  am  in  this  war  to  the  finish  and  you 
couldn't  hire  me  to  quit  till  we  have  ran  them  ragged 
but  I  wished  they  had  of  gave  us  steel  helmets  wide 
enough  so  as  they  would  make  a  bumber  shoot  and 
I  hope  the  next  war  they  have  they  will  pick  out 
Arizona  to  have  it  there.  Your  pal, 

*  Jack,   i 


^SomewJieres  in  FrancCy  March  6, 

WTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  suppose  you  have 
•^  read  in  the  communicates  that  comes  out  in 
the  paper  where  the  Americans  that's  all  ready  in 
the  trenchs  has  pulled  off  some  great  stuff  and  a 
whole  lot  of  them  has  been  sighted  and  give  meddles 
and  etc.  by  the  Frenchmens  for  what  they  have 
pulled  off  and  the  way  they  work  it  Al  when  one 
of  the  soldiers  wrists  his  life  or  something  and  pulls 
off  something  big  like  takeing  a  mess  of  prisoners 
and  bringing  them  back  here  where  they  can  get 
something  to  eat  the  French  pins  a  meddle  on  them 
and  sometimes  they  do  it  if  you  don't  do  nothing 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  65 

but  die  only  then  of  course  they  send  it  to  your 
family  so  as  they  will  have  something  to  show  their 
friends  besides  snapshots  of  Mich.  City. 

Well  we  was  kidding  back  and  fourth  about  It 
today  and  one  of  the  smaii:  alex  in  our  Co.  a  bird 
named  Johnny  Alcock  that  is  always  trying  to  kid 
somebody  all  the  time  he  said  to  me  "Well  I  sup- 
pose they  will  half  to  build  more  tonnages  to  carry 
all  the  meddles  you  will  win  back  to  the  states." 
So  I  said  "Well  I  guess  I  will  win  as  many  of  them 
as  you  will  win."  That  shut  him  up  for  a  wile  but 
finely  he  says  "You  have  got  enough  chest  to  wear 
a  whole  junk  shop  on  it."  So  I  said  "Well  I  am  not 
the  baby  that  can't  win  them."  So  he  says  "If  you 
ever  happen  to  be  snooping  around  the  bosh  trenchs 
when  Fritz  climbs  over  the  top  you  will  come  back 
so  fast  that  the  Kaiser  will  want  to  know  who  was 
that  speed  merchant  that  led  the  charge  and  deco- 
rate you  with  a  iron  cross."  So  I  said  "I  will  deco- 
rate you  right  in  the  eye  one  of  these  days."  So 
he  had  to  shut  up  and  all  the  other  boys  give  him 
the  laugh. 

Well  Al  jokeing  to  one  side  if  I  half  to  go  back 
home  without  a  meddle  it  will  be  because  they  are 
playing  favorites  but  I  guess  I  wouldn't  be  left  out 
at  that  because  I  stand  ace  high  with  most  of  the 
Frenchmens  around  here  because  they  like  a  man 
that's  always  got  a  smile  or  a  kind  word  for  them 
and  they  would  like  me  still  better  yet  if  they  could 


m  THE  REAL  DOPE 

understand  more  English  and  get  my  stuff  better 
but  it  don't  seem  like  they  even  try  to  learn  and  I 
suppose  its  because  they  figure  the  war  is  in  their 
country  so  everybody  should  ought  to  talk  their 
language  but  when  you  get  down  to  cases  they's 
a  big  job  on  both  our  hands  and  if  one  of  us  has 
got  to  talk  the  others  language  why  and  the  he — 11 
should  they  pick  on  the  one  that's  hard  to  learn 
it  and  besides  its  2  to  1  you  might  say  because  the 
U.  S.  and  the  English  uses  the  same  language  and 
they's  nobody  only  the  French  that  talks  like  they 
do  because  they  couldn't  nobody  else  talk  that  way 
so  why  wouldn't  it  be  the  square  thing  for  them  to 
forget  theirs  and  tackle  ours  and  it  would  pro- 
longate their  lifes  to  do  it  because  most  of  their 
words  can't  be  said  without  straining  yourself  and 
no  matter  what  kind  of  a  physic  you  got  its  bound 
to  wear  you  down  in  time. 

But  I  suppose  the  French  soldiers  figure  they 
have  got  enough  of  a  job  on  their  hands  remember- 
ing their  different  uniforms  and  who  to  salute  and 
etc.  and  they  have  got  a  fine  system  in  the  French 
army  Al  because  you  wear  whatever  you  was  before 
you  got  to  be  what  you  are  that  is  sometimes.  For 
inst.  suppose  you  use  to  be  in  the  artillery  and  now 
you  are  a  aviator  you  still  wear  a  artillery  uniform 
part  of  the  time  and  its  like  I  use  to  pitch  for  the 
White  Sox  and  I  guess  I  would  be  a  pretty  looking 
bird  if  I  waddled  around  in  the  mire  here  a  wile 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  67 

with  my  old  baseball  unie  on  me  and  soon  people 
would  begin  to  think  I  was  drafted  from  the  Toledo 
Mud  Hens. 

Seriously  Al  sometimes  you  see  4«  or  5  French 
officers  comeing  along  and  they  haven't  one  of  them 
got  the  same  color  uniform  on  but  they  are  all 
dressed  up  like  a  Roman  candle  you  might  say  and 
if  their  uniforms  run  when  they  got  wet  a  man 
could  let  them  drip  into  a  pail  and  drink  it  up  for  a 
pussy  cafe. 

Well  Al  the  boys  in  our  regt.  is  going  to  get 
out  a  newspaper  and  get  it  out  themself  and  it  will 
be  just  the  news  about  our  regt.  and  a  few  gags 
and  comical  storys  about  the  different  boys  and  they 
are  going  to  get  it  out  once  per  wk. 

Corp.  Pierson  from  our  Co.  that  use  to  work  on 
a  newspaper  somewheres  is  going  to  be  the  editor 
and  he  wants  I  should  write  them  up  something 
about  baseball  and  how  to  pitch  and  etc.  but  I  don't 
believe  in  a  man  waisting  their  time  on  a  childs  play 
like  writeing  up  articles  for  a  newspaper  but  just 
to  stall  him  I  said  I  would  try  and  think  up  some- 
thing and  give  it  to  him  when  I  had  it  wrote  up. 
Well  him  waiting  for  my  article  will  be  like  me 
waiting  for  mail  because  I  don't  want  nobody  to 
take  me  for  a  newspaper  man  because  I  seen  enough 
of  them  in  baseball  and  one  time  we  was  playing  in 
Phila.  and  I  had  them  shut  out  up  to  the  8th  inning 
and   all   of  a   sudden  Weaver  and   Collins   got   a 


68  THE  REAL  DOPE 

stroke  of  paralysis  and  tipped  their  caps  to  a  couple 
ground  balls  that  grazed  their  shoe  laces  and  then 
Rube  Oldring  hit  one  on  a  line  right  at  Gandil  and 
he  tried  to  catch  it  on  the  bounce  off  his  lap  and  Bill 
Dinneen's  right  arm  was  lame  and  he  begin  calling 
everything  a  ball  and  first  thing  you  know  they 
beat  us  9  to  S  or  something  and  Robbins  one  of  the 
Chi  paper  reporters  that  traveled  with  us  wired  a 
telegram  home  to  his  paper  that  Phila.  was  sup- 
posed to  be  a  town  where  a  man  could  get  plenty 
of  sleep  but  I  looked  like  I  had  set  up  all  the  nights 
we  was  there  and  of  course  Florrie  seen  it  in  the 
paper  and  got  delirious  and  I  would  of  busted  Rob- 
bins  in  the  jaw  only  I  wasn't  sure  if  he  realy  wrote 
it  that  way  or  the  telegraph  operator  might  of 
balled  it  up. 

So  they  won't  be  no  newspaper  articles  in  mine 
Al  but  I  will  be  anxious  to  see  what  Pierson's  paper 
looks  like  when  it  comes  out  and  I  bet  it  will  be  a 
fine  paper  if  our  bunch  have  the  writeing  of  it  be- 
cause the  most  of  them  would  drop  in  a  swoon  if 
you  asked  them  how  to  spell  their  name. 

Your  pal,  Jac«. 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  69 

Somewheres  in  France,  March  9. 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  guess  I  all  ready  told 
-^  you  about  them  getting  up  a  newspaper  in 
our  regt.  and  Joe  Pierson  asked  me  would  I  write 
them  up  something  for  it  and  I  told  him  no  I 
wouldn't  but  it  seems  like  he  overheard  me  and 
thought  I  said  I  would  so  any  way  he  was  expect- 
ing something  from  me  so  last  night  I  wrote  them 
up  something  and  I  don't  know  if  the  paper  will 
ever  get  printed  or  not  so  I  will  coppy  down  a  part 
of  what  I  wrote  to  give  you  a  idear  of  what  I 
wrote.  He  wanted  I  should  write  them  up  some- 
thing about  the  stragety  of  baseball  and  where  it 
was  like  the  stragety  in  the  war  because  one  night 
last  month  I  give  them  a  little  talk  at  one  of  their 
entertainments  about  how  the  man  that  used  their 
brains  in  baseball  was  the  one  that  win  just  like  in 
the  army  but  I  guess  I  all  ready  told  you  about  me 
giveing  them  that  little  talk  and  afterwards  I  got 
a  skinf ull  of  the  old  grape  and  I  thought  sure  they 
would  have  me  up  in  front  of  the  old  court  marshall 
but  they  never  knowed  the  difference  on  acct.  of  the 
way  I  can  handle  it  and  you  take  the  most  of  the 
boys  and  if  they  see  a  cork  they  want  to  kiss  the 
Colonel.  Well  any  way  here  is  the  article  I  wrote 
up  and  I  called  it  War  and  Baseball  2  games  where 
brains  wins. 

"The  gen.  public  that  go  out  to  the  baseball 


70  THE  REAL  DOPE 

park  and  set  through  the  games  probably  thinlc 
they  see  everything  that  is  going  on  on  the  field  but 
they's  a  lot  of  stuff  that  goes  on  on  the  baseball 
field  that  the  gen.  public  don't  see  and  don't  know 
nothing  about  and  I  refer  to  what  we  baseball 
boys  calls  inside  baseball. 

"No  one  is  in  a  better  position  to  know  all  about 
inside  baseball  then  a  man  like  I  who  have  been  a 
pitcher  in  the  big  league  because  it  is  the  pitchers 
that  has  to  do  most  of  the  thinking  and  pull  off 
the  smart  plays  that  is  what  wins  ball  games.  For 
inst.  I  will  write  down  about  a  little  incidents  that 
come  off  one  time  2  yrs.  ago  when  the  Boston  club 
was  playing  against  the  Chicago  White  Sox  where 
I  was  one  of  the  stars  when  the  U.  S.  went  into 
the  war  and  then  I  dropped  baseball  and  signed 
up  a  contract  with  Uncle  Sam  to  play  for  my 
country  in  the  big  game  against  the  Kaiser  of  Ger- 
many. This  day  I  refer  to  I  was  in  there  giveing 
them  the  best  I  had  but  we  was  in  a  tight  game 
because  the  boys  was  not  hitting  behind  me  though 
Carl  Mays  that  was  pitching  for  the  Boston  club 
didn't  have  nothing  on  the  ball  only  the  cover  and 
after  the  ball  left  his  hand  you  could  have  ran  in 
the  club  house  and  changed  your  undershirt  and 
still  be  back  in  time  to  swing  when  the  ball  got  up 
there. 

"Well  it  come  along  the  9th.  inning  and  we  was 
tied  up  with  the  score  2  and  2  and  I  had  Larry 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  71 

Gardner  swinging  like  a  hammock  all  day  but  this 
time  he  hit  a  fly  ball  that  either  Weaver  or  Jackson 
ought  to  of  caught  in  a  hollow  tooth  but  they  both 
layed  down  and  died  on  it  and  Gardner  got  on 
second  base.  Well  they  was  2  men  out  and  Hob- 
litzel  was  the  next  man  up  and  the  next  man  after 
he  was  Scott  their  shortstop  that  couldn't  take  the 
ball  in  his  hand  and  make  a  base  hit  off  a  man  like 
I  so  instead  of  me  giveing  Hobby  a  ball  to  hit  I 
walked  him  as  we  call  it  and  then  of  course  it  was 
Scott's  turn  to  bat  and  Barry  their  mgr.  hesitated 
if  he  should  send  Ruth  up  to  hit  for  Scott  or  not 
but  finely  he  left  Scott  go  up  there  and  he  was  just 
dragging  his  bat  off  his  shoulder  to  swing  at  the 
first  strike  when  I  whizzed  the  third  one  past  him, 

''That  is  what  we  call  inside  baseball  or  stragety 
whether  its  in  baseball  or  war  is  walking  a  man  like 
Hoblitzel  that  might  be  lucky  enough  to  hit  one 
somewheres  but  if  you  don't  give  him  nothing  to 
hit  how  can  he  hit  it  and  then  I  made  Scott  look 
like  he  had  been  sent  for  but  couldn't  come.  After- 
wards in  the  11th.  inning  Duffy  Lewis  hit  a  ball 
that  he  ought  to  of  been  traded  for  even  swinging 
at  it  because  it  come  near  clipping  his  ear  lob  but 
any  way  he  swang  at  it  and  hit  it  for  three  bases 
because  Jackson  layed  down  and  died  going  after 
it  and  Lewis  scored  on  a  past  ball  and  they  beat  us 
3  to  2. 

"So  that  is  what  we  call  stragety  on  the  base- 


7«  THE  REAL  DOPE 

ball  field  and  it  wins  there  the  same  like  in  war  and 
this  war  will  be  win  by  the  side  that  has  gens,  with 
brains  and  use  them  and  I  figure  where  a  man  that 
has  been  in  big  league  baseball  where  you  can't 
never  make  a  success  out  of  it  unless  you  are  a 
quick  thinker  and  they  have  got  a  big  advantage 
over  men  that's  been  in  other  walks  of  life  where  its 
most  all  luck  and  I  figure  the  army  would  be  a  whole 
lot  better  off  if  all  the  officers  and  gens,  had  of 
played  baseball  in  the  big  leagues  and  learned  to 
think  quick,  but  of  course  they  ain't  everybody  that 
have  got  the  ability  to  play  baseball  and  stand  the 
gaff  but  the  man  that  has  got  the  ability  and  been 
through  the  ropes  is  just  that  much  ahead  of  the 
rest  of  them  and  its  to  bad  that  most  of  our  gens. 
is  so  old  that  they  couldn't  of  knew  much  about 
baseball  since  it  become  a  test  of  brains  like  it  is 
now. 

''I  am  afraid  I  have  eat  up  a  lot  of  space  with 
my  little  Article  on  War  and  Baseball  so  I  will  end 
this  little  article  up  with  a  little  comical  incidents 
that  happened  dureing  our  training  trip  down  in 
Mineral  Wells,  Tex.  a  year  ago  this  spring.  The 
first  day  we  was  out  for  practice  they  was  a  young 
outfielder  from  a  bush  league  and  Mgr.  Rowland 
told  him  to  go  out  in  right  field  and  shag  and  this 
was  his  reply.  *I  haven't  never  been  in  this  park 
before  so  you  will  half  to  tell  me  which  is  right 
field,'    Of  course  right  field  is  the  same  field  in  all 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  73 

parks  and  that  is  what  made  the  incidents  so  comical 
and  some  of  the  boys  is  certainly  green  when  they 
first  break  in  and  we  have  manys  the  laugh  at  their 
expense." 

That  is  what  I  wrote  up  for  them  Al  and  I  wound 
it  up  with  that  little  story  and  I  was  reading  over 
what  I  wrote  and  Johnny  Alcock  seen  me  reading 
it  and  asked  me  to  leave  him  see  it  so  I  showed  it  to 
him  and  he  said  it  was  great  stuff  and  he  hadn't 
never  dreamt  they  was  that  much  stragety  in  base- 
ball and  he  thought  if  some  of  the  officers  seen  it 
they  would  pop  their  eyes  out  and  they  would  want 
to  talk  to  me  and  get  my  idears  and  see  if  maybe 
they  couldn't  some  of  them  be  plied  to  war  fair  and 
maybe  if  I  showed  them  where  it  could  I  would  get 
promoted  and  stuck  on  to  the  gen.  staff  that's 
all  made  up  from  gens,  that  lays  out  the  attacks 
and  etc. 

Well  Al  Alcock  is  a  pretty  wise  bird  and  a  fine 
boy  to  if  you  know  how  to  take  him  and  he  seen 
right  off  what  I  was  getting  at  in  my  article  and 
its  true  Al  that  the  2  games  is  like  the  other  and 
quick  thinking  is  what  wins  in  both  of  them.  But 
I  am  not  looking  for  no  staff  job  that  you  don't 
half  to  go  up  in  the  trenchs  and  fight  but  just  lay 
around  in  some  office  somewheres  and  stick  pins  in 
a  map  while  the  rest  of  the  boys  is  sticking  bayonets 
in  the  Dutchmen's  maps  so  I  hope  they  don't  none 
of  the  gens,  see  what  I  wrote  because  I  come  over 


74j  the  REAU  dope 

here  to  fight  and  be  a  soldier  and  carry  a  riffle  in- 
stead of  a  pin  cushion. 

But  it  don't  hurt  nothing  for  me  to  give  them 
a  few  hints  once  in  a  wile  about  useing  their  brains 
if  they  have  got  them  and  if  I  can  do  any  good  with 
my  articles  in  the  papers  why  I  would  just  as  leaf 
wear  my  fingers  to  the  bone  writeing  them  up. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 


Somewheres  m  France,  March  IS. 

jqyRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  bet  you  will  pretty 
-^  near  fall  over  in  a  swoon  when  you  read  what 
I  have  got  to  tell  you.  Before  you  get  this  letter 
you  will  probably  all  ready  of  got  a  coppy  of  the 
paper  I  told  you  about  because  it  come  out  the  day 
before  yesterday  and  I  sent  you  a  coppy  with  my 
article  in  it  only  they  cut  a  part  of  it  out  on  acct.  of 
not  haveing  enough  space  for  all  of  it  but  they 
left  the  best  part  of  it  in. 

Well  Al  somebody  must  of  a  sent  a  coppy  to 
Gen.  Pershing  and  marked  up  what  I  wrote  up  so 
as  he  would  be  sure  and  see  it  and  probably  one  of 
the  officers  done  it.  Well  that's  either  here  or  there 
but  this  afternoon  when  we  come  in  they  was  a  let- 
ter for  me  and  who  do  you  think  it  was  from  Al. 
Well  you  can't  never  even  begin  to  guess  so  I  will 
tell  you.  It  was  from  Gen.  Pershing  Al  and  it  come 
from  Paris  where  he  is  at  and  I  have  got  it  here 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  75 

laying  on  the  table  and  I  would  send  it  to  you  to 
look  at  only  I  wouldn't  take  no  chances  of  looselng 
it  and  I  don't  mean  you  wouldn't  be  carefull  of  it 
Al  but  of  course  the  mail  has  got  to  go  across  the 
old  pond  and  if  the  Dutchmens  periscoped  the  boat 
the  letter  was  on  it  it  would  be  good  night  letter 
and  a  letter  like  this  here  is  something  to  be  proud 
of  and  hold  onto  it  and  keep  it  for  little  Al  till  he 
grows  up  big  enough  to  appreciate  it.  But  they's 
nothing  to  prevent  me  from  copping  down  the  let- 
ter so  as  you  can  read  what  it  says  and  here  it  is. 

Private  Keefe, 

Dear  Sir:  My  attention  was  called  today  to  an 
article  written  by  you  in  your  regimental  paper 
^under  the  title  War  and  Baseball:  Two  Games 
Where  Brains  Wins.  In  this  article  you  state  that 
our  generals  would  be  better  able  to  accomplish 
their  task  if  they  had  enjoyed  the  benefits  of  stra- 
tegic training  in  baseball.  I  have  always  been  a 
great  admirer  of  the  national  game  of  baseball  and 
I  heartily  agree  with  what  you  say.  But  unfor- 
tunately only  a  few  of  us  ever  possessed  the  ability 
to  play  your  game  and  the  few  never  were  proficient 
enough  to  play  it  professionally.  Therefore  the 
general  staff  is  obliged  to  blunder  along  without 
that  capacity  for  quick  thinking  which  is  acquired 
only  on  the  baseball  field. 

But  I  believe  in  making  use  of  all  the  talent  in 


76  THE  REAL  DOPE 

my  army,  even  among  the  rank  and  file.  Therefore 
I  respectfully  ask  whether  you  think  some  of  your 
baseball  secrets  would  be  of  strategic  value  to  us  in 
the  prosecution  of  this  war  and  if  so  whether  you 
would  be  willing  to  provide  us  with  the  same. 

If  it  is  not  too  much  trouble,  I  would  be  pleased 
to  hear  from  you  along  these  lines,  and  if  you  have 
any  suggestion  to  make  regarding  a  campaign 
against  our  enemy,  either  offensive  or  defensive,  I 
would  be  pleased  to  have  you  outline  it  in  a  letter 
to  me. 

By  the  way  I  note  with  pleasure  that  our  first 
names  are  the  same.  It  makes  a  sort  of  bond  be- 
tween us  which  I  trust  will  be  further  cemented  if 
you  can  be  of  assistance  to  me  in  my  task. 

I  shall  eagerly  await  your  reply.    Sincerely, 
Black  Jack  Pershing, 
Folies  Bergere,  Paris,  France. 

That  is  the  letter  I  got  from  him  Al  and  I'll  say 
its  some  letter  and  I  bet  if  some  of  these  smart 
alex  officers  seen  it  it  would  reduce  some  of  the 
swelling  in  their  chest  but  I  consider  the  letter  con- 
fidential Al  and  I  haven't  showed  it  to  nobody  only 
3  or  4  of  my  buddys  and  I  showed  it  to  Johnny 
Alcock  and  he  popped  his  eyes  out  so  far  you  could 
of  snipped  them  off  with  a  shears.  And  he  said 
it  was  a  cinch  that  Pershing  realy  wrote  it  on  acct, 
of  him  signing  it  Black  Jack  Pershing  and  thej? 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  7T 

wouldn't  nobody  else  sign  It  that  way  because  it 
was  a  private  nickname  between  he  and  some  of  his 
friends  and  they  wouldn't  nobody  else  know  about  it. 

So  then  he  asked  was  I  going  to  answer  the  letter 
and  I  said  of  course  I  was  and  he  says  well  I  better 
take  a  whole  lot  of  pains  with  my  answer  and  study 
up  the  situation  before  I  wrote  it  and  put  some  good 
idears  in  it  and  if  my  letters  made  a  hit  with  Gen. 
Pershing  the  next  thing  you  know  he  would  prob-. 
ably  summons  me  to  Paris  and  maybe  stick  me  on 
the  war  board  so  as  all  I  would  half  to  do  would 
be  figure  up  plans  of  attacks  and  etc.  and  not  half 
to  go  up  in  the  trenchs  and  wrist  my  Hfe  and  prob- 
ably get  splattered  all  over  France. 

So  I  said  "Well  I  am  not  looking  for  no  excuse 
to  get  out  of  the  trenchs  but  its  just  the  other  way 
and  I  am  nuts  to  get  in  them."  So  he  says  "You 
must  be."  But  he  showed  me  where  it  would  be  a 
great  experience  to  set  in  at  them  meetings  even  if 
I  didn't  have  much  to  say  and  just  set  there  and 
listen  and  hear  their  plans  and  what's  comeing 
off  and  besides  I  would  get  a  chance  to  see  some- 
thing of  Paris  and  it  don't  look  hke  none  of  us  only 
the  officers  would  be  give  leave  to  go  there  but  of 
course  I  would  go  if  Black  Jack  wanted  me  and 
after  all  Al  I  am  here  to  give  Uncle  Sam  the  best 
I  have  got  and  if  I  can  serve  the  stars  and  strips 
better  by  sticking  pins  In  a  map  then  getting  In 
the  trenchs  why  all  right  and  it  takes  more  thau 


78  THE  REAL  DOPE 

common  soldiers  to  win  a  war  and  if  I  am  more  use 
to  them  as  a  kind  of  adviser  instead  of  carrying  a 
bayonet  why  I  will  sacrifice  my  own  feelings  for  the 
good  of  the  cause  like  I  often  done  in  baseball. 

But  they's  another  thing  Alcock  told  me  Al  and 
that  is  that  the  war  board  they  have  got  has  got 
gens,  on  it  from  all  the  different  countrys  like  the 
U.  S.  and  England  and  France  and  Spain  and  of 
course  they  are  more  French  gens,  than  anything 
else  on  acct.  of  the  war  being  here  in  France  so 
probably  they  do  some  of  their  talking  in  French 
and  Alcock  says  if  he  was  I  he  would  get  busy  and 
try  and  learn  enough  French  so  as  I  could  make 
myself  understood  when  I  had  something  to  say  and 
of  course  they  probably  won't  nothing  come  out  of 
it  all  but  still  and  all  I  always  says  its  best  to  be 
ready  for  whatever  comes  off  and  if  the  U.  S.  had 
of  been  ready  for  this  war  I  wouldn't  be  setting 
here  writeing  this  letter  now  but  I  would  be  takeing 
a  plunge  in  one  of  them  Berlin  brewry  vats. 

Any  way  I  have  all  ready  picked  enough  French 
so  as  I  can  talk  it  pretty  good  and  I  would  be  O.  K. 
if  I  could  understand  it  when  they  are  talking  it  off 
but  to  hear  them  talk  it  off  you  would  think  they 
seen  their  dinner  at  the  end  of  the  sentence. 

Well  Al  I  will  tell  you  how  things  comes  out  and 
I  hope  Black  Jack  will  forget  all  about  it  and  lay 
off  me  so  as  I  can  get  into  the  real  fighting  instead 
of  standing  in  front  of  a  map  all  the  wile  like  s^ 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  79 

school  teacher  or  something  and  I  all  most  wished 
I  hadn't  never  wrote  that  article  and  then  of  course 
the  idear  wouldn't  of  never  came  to  Black  Jack 
that  I  could  help  him  but  if  he  does  take  me  on  his 
staff  it  will  be  some  pair  of  Jacks  eh  Al  and  enough 
to  open  the  pot  and  if  the  Germans  is  sucker  enough 
to  stay  in  they  will  get  their  whiskers  cinched. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 

Somewhere s  in  France,  March  14^, 

JTfRIEND  AL:  Well  this  Is  the  second  letter  I 
•^  have  wrote  today  and  the  other  one  is  to  Gen. 
Pershing  and  I  have  still  got  the  letter  here  yet  Al 
and  I  will  coppy  it  down  and  tell  you  what  I  wrote 
to  him. 

Gen.  Jack  Pershing, 

Care  Folies  Bergere,  Paris,  France. 

Dear  Gen:  You  can  bet  I  was  supprised  to  get  a 
letter  from  you  and  when  I  wrote  that  article  I 
didn't  have  no  idear  that  they  would  something 
come  out  of  it.  Well  Gen.  I  come  into  the  army 
expecting  to  fight  and  lay  down  my  life  if  nes- 
sary  and  I  am  not  one  of  the  kind  that  are  looking 
for  an  out  and  trying  to  hide  behind  a  desk  or 
something  because  I  am  afraid  to  go  into  the  trenchs 
but  I  guess  if  you  know  something  about  baseball 
you  won't  accuse  me  from  not  having  the  old  nerve 


80  THE  REAL  DOPE 

because  they  can't  no  man  hold  onto  a  job  in 
the  big  leagues  unless  a  man  is  fearless  and  does 
their  best  work  under  fire  and  especially  a  pitcher. 
But  if  you  figure  that  I  can  serve  old  glory  better 
some  other  way  then  in  the  rank  and  files  I  am  will- 
ing to  sacrifice  myself  like  I  often  done  in  baseball. 
Anything  to  win  Gen.  is  the  way  I  look  at  it. 

You  asked  me  in  your  letter  did  I  think  some  of 
my  idears  would  help  out  well  gen.  a  man  don't 
like  to  sound  like  they  was  bragging  themself  up 
but  this  isn't  no  time  for  monking  and  I  guess  you 
want  the  truth.  Well  gen.  I  don't  know  much  about 
running  a  army  and  their  plans  but  stragety  is  the 
same  if  its  on  the  battle  field  or  the  baseball  diamond 
you  might  say  and  it  just  means  how  can  we  beat 
them  and  I  often  say  that  the  men  that  can  use  their 
brains  will  win  any  kind  of  a  game  except  maybe 
some  college  Willy  boy  game  like  football  or  bridge 
whist. 

Well  gen.  without  no  bragging  myself  up  I 
learned  a  whole  lot  about  stragety  on  the  baseball 
field  and  I  think  I  could  help  you  in  a  good  many 
ways  but  before  I  tried  to  tell  you  how  to  do  some- 
thing I  would  half  to  know  what  you  was  trying 
to  do  and  of  course  I  know  you  can't  tell  me  in  a 
letter  on  acct.  of  the  censors  and  of  course  they  are 
Americans  to  but  they's  a  whole  lot  of  the  boys  that 
don't  mean  no  harm  but  they  are  gabby  and  can't 
keep  their  mouth  shut  and  who  knows  who  would 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  81 

get  a  hold  of  it  and  for  the  same  reason  I  don't 
feel  like  I  should  give  you  any  of  my  idears  by 
mail  but  if  I  could  just  see  you  and  we  could  have 
a  little  talk  and  talk  things  over  but  I  don't  sup- 
pose they's  any  chance  of  that  unless  I  could  get 
leave  off  to  run  down  to  Paris  for  a  wile  and  meet 
you  somewheres  but  they  won't  give  us  no  leave  to 
go  to  Paris  but  of  course  a  letter  from  you  that  I 
could  show  it  to  Capt.  Seeley  would  fix  it  up  and 
no  questions  asked. 

So  I  guess  I  better  wait  till  I  hear  from  you 
along  these  lines  and  in  the  mean  wile  I  will  be 
thinking  the  situation  over  and  see  what  I  can 
think  up  and  I  all  ready  got  some  idears  that  I 
feel  like  they  would  work  out  O.  K.  and  I  hope  I 
will  get  a  chance  in  the  near  future  to  have  a  little 
chat  with  you. 

I  note  what  you  say  about  our  name  being  both 
Jack  and  I  was  thinking  to  myself  that  lots  of 
times  in  a  poker  game  a  pair  of  jacks  is  enough 
to  win  and  maybe  it  will  be  the  same  way  in  the 
war  game  and  any  way  I  guess  the  2  of  us  could 
put  up  a  good  bluff  and  bet  them  just  as  if  we  had 
them.    Eh  gen?  Respy, 

Jack  Keepe. 

That's  what  I  wrote  to  him  Al  and  he  will  get 
it  some  time  tomorrow  or  the  next  day  and  I  should 
ought  to  hear  from  him  back  right  away  and  I  hope 


m  THE  REAL  DOPE 

he  will  take  m j  hint  and  leave  me  stay  here  with  my 
regt.  where  I  can  see  some  real  action.  But  if  he 
summonses  me  I  will  go  Al  and  not  whine  about 
getting  a  raw  deal. 

Well  I  happened  to  drop  into  a  estaminet  here 
yesterday  and  that's  kind  of  a  store  where  a  man 
can  buy  stuff  to  take  along  with  him  or  you  can 
get  a  cup  of  coffee  or  pretty  near  anything  and 
they  was  a  girl  on  the  job  in  there  and  she  smiled 
when  I  come  in  and  I  smiled  at  her  back  and  she 
seen  I  was  American  so  she  begin  talking  to  me  in 
English  only  she  has  got  some  brogue  and  its  hard 
to  make  it  out  what  she  is  trying  to  get  at.  Well 
we  talked  a  wile  and  all  of  a  sudden  the  idear  come 
to  me  that  I  and  her  could  hit  it  off  and  both  do  the 
other  some  good  by  her  learning  me  French  and  I 
could  learn  her  English  and  so  I  sprung  it  on  her 
and  she  was  tickled  to  death  and  we  called  it  a  bar- 
gain and  tomorrow  we  are  going  to  have  our  first 
lessons  and  how  is  that  Al  for  a  bargain  when  I 
can  pick  up  French  without  it  costing  me  a  nickle 
and  of  course  they  won't  be  only  time  for  1  or  2 
lessons  before  I  hear  from  Black  Jack  but  I  can 
learn  a  whole  lot  in  2  lessons  if  she  will  tend  to  busi- 
ness but  the  way  she  smiled  at  me  when  I  come  out 
and  the  looks  she  give  me  I  am  afraid  if  she  seen 
much  of  me  it  would  be  good  night  so  I  will  half 
to  show  her  I  won't  stand  for  no  foolishness  because 


'Ik 


She  smiled  when  I  came  in  and  I  smiled  at  her  back 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  83 

I  had  enough  flirtations  Al  and  the  next  woman  that 
looks  X  eyed  at  me  will  catch  her  death  of  cold. 
Your  pal,  Jack. 


Samewheres  in  France^  March  16, 

JTfRIEND  AL:  Well  old  pal  it  looks  like  they 
^  wouldn't  be  no  front  line  trenchs  for  this  baby 
and  what  I  am  getting  at  is  that  the  word  was  past 
around  today  that  Black  Jack  himself  is  comeing 
and  they  isn't  no  faulse  alarm  about  it  because 
Capt.  Seeley  told  us  himself  and  said  Gen.  Pershing 
would  be  here  in  a  day  or  2  to  overlook  us  and  he 
wanted  that  everybody  should  look  their  best  and 
keep  themself  looking  neat  and  clean  and  clean  up 
all  the  billets  and  etc.  because  that  was  what  Gen. 
Pershing  was  comeing  to  see,  how  we  look  and  how 
we  are  getting  along  and  etc. 

Well  Al  that's  what  Capt.  Seeley  said  but  be- 
tween you  and  I  they's  another  reason  why  he  is 
comeing  and  I  guess  he  figures  they  will  be  a  better 
chance  to  talk  things  over  down  here  then  if  I  was 
to  go  to  Paris  and  I  am  not  the  only  one  that  knows 
why  he  is  comeing  because  after  supper  Alcock 
called  me  over  to  1  side  and  congratulated  me  and 
said  it  looked  like  I  was  in  soft. 

Well  I  will  be  ready  for  him  when  he  comes  and 
I  will  be  ready  to  pack  up  and  blow  out  of  here 
at  a  minute's  notice  and  I  cati't  help  from  wondring 


84J  THE  REAL  DOPE 

what  some  of  these  smart  alex  officers  will  say  when 
they  see  what's  comeing  off.  So  this  won't  be  only 
a  short  letter  Al  because  I  have  got  a  lot  to  do  to 
get  ready  and  what  I  am  going  to  do  is  write  down 
some  of  my  idears  so  as  I  can  read  them  off  to  him 
when  he  comes  and  if  I  didn't  have  them  wrote 
down  I  might  maybe  get  nervous  when  I  seen  him 
and  maybe  forget  what  I  got  to  say  because  the 
boys  says  he's  a  tough  bird  for  a  man  to  see  for 
the  first  time  till  you  get  to  know  him  and  he  acts 
like  he  was  going  to  eat  you  alive  but  he's  a  whole 
lot  like  a  dog  when  you  get  to  know  him  and  his 
bark  is  worse  then  a  bite. 

Well  Al  how  is  that  for  news  and  I  guess  you 
will  be  prouder  then  ever  of  your  old  pal  before 
this  business  gets  over  with  and  I  would  feel  pretty 
good  with  everything  breaking  so  good  only  I  am 
getting  worred  about  Ernestine  that  little  French 
gal  in  the  estaminet  and  I  wished  now  I  hadn't 
never  seen  her  or  made  no  bargain  with  her  and 
I  didn't  do  it  so  much  for  what  I  could  learn  off 
of  her  but  these  French  gals  Al  has  had  a  tough 
time  of  it  and  if  a  man  can  bring  a  little  sunshine 
into  their  life  he  wouldn't  be  a  man  unless  he  done 
it.  So  I  was  just  trying  to  be  a  good  fellow  and 
here  is  what  I  get  for  it  because  I  caught  her  today 
Al  with  that  look  in  her  eye  that  I  seen  in  so  many 
of  them  and  I  know  what  it  means  and  I  guess 
about  the  best  thing  for  me  to  do  is  run  away  from 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  85 

Gen.  Pershing  and  go  over  the  top  or  something 
and  leave  the  boshs  shoot  my  nose  off  or  mess  me  up 
some  way  and  then  maybe  I  won't  get  pestered  to 
death  every  time  I  try  and  be  kind  to  some  Httle  gal. 

I  guess  the  French  lessons  will  half  to  be  cut  out 
because  it  wouldn't  be  square  to  leave  her  see  me 
again  and  it  would  be  different  if  I  could  tell  her  I 
am  married  but  I  don't  know  the  French  terms  for 
it  and  besides  it  don't  seem  to  make  no  difference  to 
some  of  them  and  the  way  they  act  you  would  think 
a  wife  was  just  something  that  come  out  on  you 
like  a  sty  and  the  best  way  to  do  was  just  to  for- 
get it. 

Well  Al  as  I  say  I  caught  her  looking  at  me  like 
it  was  breaking  her  heart  and  I  wouldn't  be  sup- 
prised  if  she  cried  after  I  come  away,  but  what  can 
a  man  do  about  it  Al  and  I  have  got  a  good  notion 
to  wear  my  gas  mask  everywhere  I  go  and  then 
maybe  I  will  have  a  little  peace  once  in  a  wile. 

I  must  close  now  for  this  time  and  get  busy  on 
some  idears  so  as  Black  Jack  won't  catch  me  flat 
footed  but  I  guess  they's  no  danger  of  that  eh  Al? 

Your  pal,  Jack. 


m  THE  REAL  DOPE 


Somewheres  in  France,  March  18. 

TjlRIENB  AL:  Well  old  pal  I  am  all  set  for 
'*■  Gen.  Pershing  when  he  comes  and  I  have  got 
some  of  my  idears  wrote  down  just  the  bear  out- 
lines of  them  and  when  he  asks  me  if  I  have  got 
any  I  can  just  read  them  off  from  my  notes  like 
1  was  a  lecture  and  here  is  a  few  of  the  notes  I  have 
got  wrote  down  so  you  can  get  some  idear  of  what 
I  am  going  to  spring  on  him. 


In  baseball  many  big  league  mgrs.  before  a  game 
they  talk  it  over  in  the  club  house  with  their  men 
and  disgust  the  weakness  of  the  other  club  and  how 
is  the  best  way  to  beat  them  and  etc.  For  inst. 
when  I  was  pitching  for  the  White  Sox  and  sup- 
pose we  was  going  to  face  a  pitcher  that  maybe  he 
was  weak  on  fielding  bunts  so  before  the  game  Mgr. 
Rowland  would  say  to  us  "Remember  boys  this 
baby  m  and  so  gets  the  rabbis  if  you  lay  down 
bunts  on  him."  So  we  would  begin  laying  them 
down  on  him  and  the  first  thing  you  know  he  would 
be  frothing  at  the  mouth  and  triping  all  over  him- 
self and  maybe  if  he  did  finely  get  a  hold  of  the 
ball  he  would  throw  it  into  the  Southren  League  or 
somewheres  and  before  the  other  mgr.  could  get 
another  bird  warmed  up  they  would  half  to  hire  a 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  87 

crossing  policeman  to  straiten  out  the  jam  at  the 
plate.  And  the  same  thing  would  be  in  war  like 
in  baseball  and  instead  of  a  army  going  into  it  blind 
you  might  say,  why  the  gens,  ought  to  get  together 
before  the  battle  and  fix  it  up  to  work  on  the  other 
side's  weakness.  For  inst.  suppose  the  Germans  is 
Weak  on  getting  out  of  the  way  of  riffle  bullets  why 
that's  the  weapon  to  use  on  them  and  make  a  sucker 
out  of  them. 

Getting  the  jump  on  your  oppts.  is  more  then  % 
the  battle  whether  its  in  the  war  or  on  the  baseball 
field  and  many  a  game  has  been  win  by  getting  the 
jump  on  your  oppts.  For  inst.  that  reminds  me  of 
a  little  incidents  that  happened  one  day  when  we 
was  playing  the  Washington  club  and  I  was  pitch- 
ing against  the  notorious  Walter  Johnson  and  be- 
fore they  was  a  man  out  Geo.  McBride  booted  one 
and  Collins  and  Jackson  got  a  couple  hits  and  we 
was  2  runs  to  the  good  before  they  was  a  man  out. 
Well  Johnson  come  back  pretty  good  and  the  rest 
of  the  game  the  boys  acted  like  they  was  scared 
of  him  and  kept  one  foot  in  the  water  bucket  but 
we  would  of  win  the  game  at  that  only  in  the  9th. 
inning  Schalk  dropped  a  third  strike  on  me  and 
Judge  and  Milan  hit  a  couple  of  fly  balls  that 
would  of  been  easy  outs  only  for  the  wind  but  the 
wind  raised  havioc  with  the  ball  and  they  both  went 


88  THE  REAL  DOPE 

for  hits  and  they  beat  us  3  to  2  and  that's  the  kind 
of  luck  I  genally  always  had  against  the  Washing- 
ton club. 

8 

In  baseball  of  course  they's  only  nine  men  on  a 
side  and  that  is  where  a  gen.  in  the  war  has  got 
the  advantage  on  a  mgr.  in  baseball  because  they's 
no  rules  in  war  fair  to  keep  a  man  from  useing  all 
the  men  he  feels  like  so  it  looks  to  me  like  a  gen. 
had  all  the  best  of  it  because  suppose  the  other  side 
only  had  say  50  thousand  men  in  a  certain  section 
they's  nothing  to  prevent  a  gen.  from  going  after 
them  with  a  100  thousand  men  and  if  he  can't  run 
them  ragged  when  you  got  to  them  S  to  1  its  time 
to  enlist  in  the  G.  A.  R.  All  though  as  I  say  a  mgr. 
can't  only  use  nine  men  at  a  time  in  baseball,  but 
at  that  I  know  of  incidents  where  a  mgr.  has  took 
advantage  of  the  oppts.  being  shy  of  men  and  one 
time  the  St.  Louis  club  came  to  Chi  and  Jones  was 
all  crippled  up  for  pitchers  but  the  game  was  on 
our  home  grounds  so  it  was  up  to  Mgr.  Rowland 
to  say  if  the  game  should  be  played  or  if  he  should 
call  it  off  on  acct.  of  cold  weather  because  it  was 
in  the  spring.  But  he  knowed  Jones  was  shy  of 
pitchers  so  he  made  him  play  the  game  and  Jones 
used  big  Laudermilk  to  pitch  against  us  and  they 
beat  us  5  and  ^, 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  89 

4 

Another  advantage  where  a  gen.  got  It  on  a  base- 
ball mgr.  because  in  baseball  the  game  begins  at 
3  o'clock  and  the  other  club  knows  when  its  going 
to  begin  just  the  same  as  your  club  so  they  can't 
neither  club  beat  the  other  one  to  it  and  start  the 
game  wile  the  other  club  is  looking  out  the  window. 

But  a  gen.  don't  half  to  tell  the  other  side  when 
he  is  going  to  attack  them  but  of  course  they  have 
observers  that  can  see  when  you  are  going  to  get 
ready  to  pull  something.  But  it  looks  to  me  like 
the  observers  wouldn't  be  worth  a  hoop  and  he — 11 
if  the  other  gen.  made  his  preparations  at  night 
when  it  was  dark  like  bringing  up  the  troops  and 
artilery  and  supplys  and  etc.  and  in  that  way  you 
could  take  them  by  supprise  and  make  them  look 
like  a  fool,  like  in  baseball  I  have  often  crossed 
the  batter  up  and  one  day  I  had  Cobb  3  and  2  and 
he  was  all  set  to  murder  a  fast  one  and  I  dinked  a 
slow  one  up  there  to  him  and  the  lucky  stiff  hit  it 
on  the  end  of  his  bat  just  inside  third  base  and 
2  men  scored  on  it. 

That's  about  the  idears  I  am  going  to  give  him 
Al  only  of  course  I  can  talk  it  off  better  then  I  can 
write  it  because  wile  I  am  talking  I  can  think  up 
a  lot  more  incidents  to  tell  him  and  him  being  a 


90  THE  REAL  DOPE 

baseball  fan  he  will  set  there  pop  eyed  with  his 
mouth  open  as  long  as  I  want  to  talk.  But  now  I 
can't  hardly  wait  for  him  to  get  here  Al  and  it 
seems  funny  to  think  that  here  I  am  a  $30  dollar 
a  mo.  doughboy  and  maybe  in  a  few  days  I  will  be 
on  the  staff  and  they  don't  have  nobody  only  officers 
and  even  a  lieut.  gets  5  or  6  times  as  much  as  a 
doughboy  and  how  is  that  for  a  fine  nickname  Al 
for  men  that  all  the  dough  they  are  getting  is  a  $1 
per  day  and  the  pollutes  only  gets  2  Sues  a  day  and 
that's  about  2  cents  so  I  suppose  we  ought  to  call 
them  the  Wall  St.  crowd. 

Well  Al  you  should  ought  to  be  thankful!  you 
are  there  at  home  with  your  wife  where  you  can 
watch  her  and  keep  your  eyes  on  her  and  find  out 
what  she  is  doing  with  her  spare  time  though  I 
guess  at  that  they  wouldn't  be  much  danger  of  old 
Bertha  running  a  muck  and  I  don't  suppose  she 
would  half  to  wear  bob  wire  entanglements  to  keep 
Jack  the  Kisser  away  but  when  a  man  has  got  a 
wife  like  Florrie  and  here  I  am  over  here  and  there 
she  is  over  there  well  Al  a  man  don't  get  to  sleep 
no  quicker  nights  from  thinking  about  it  and  I  lay 
there  night  after  night  and  wonder  what  and  the 
he — 11  can  she  be  doing  and  she  might  be  doing 
most  anything  Al  and  they's  only  the  one  thing  that 
its  a  cinch  she  ain't  doing  and  that's  writeing  a  letter 
to  me  and  a  man  would  pretty  near  think  she  had 
forgot  my  first  name  but  even  at  that  slie  could  set 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  91 

down  and  write  to  me  and  start  it  out  Dear  Hus- 
band. 

But  the  way  she  acts  why  even  if  they  was  any 
fun  over  here  I  wouldn't  be  haveing  it  and  suppose 
I  do  get  on  Gen.  Pershing's  staff  and  get  a  Heut. 
or  something  and  write  and  tell  her  about  it,  why 
she  would  probably  wait  till  a  legal  holiday  to  an- 
swer me  back  and  then  she  would  write  about  10 
words  and  say  she  went  to  the  Palace  last  week 
and  when  she  come  out  after  the  show  it  was  raining. 

Well  Al  you  can't  blame  a  man  for  anything  he 
pulls  off  when  their  wife^  acts  like  that  and  if  I 
give  that  little  Ernestine  a  smack  the  next  time  she 
bulges  her  lips  out  at  me  whose  fault  is  it  Al  ?  Not 
mine.  Your  pal,  Jack. 


Somewheres  in  France^  March  20, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  the  sooner  the  Germans 
•^  starts  their  drive  let  them  come  and  I  only 
hope  we  are  up  there  when  they  start  it  and  believe 
me  Al  if  they  come  at  us  with  the  gas  I  will  dive 
into  it  with  my  mouth  wide  open  and  see  how  much 
of  it  I  can  get  because  they's  no  use  Al  of  a  man 
trying  to  live  with  the  kind  of  luck  I  have  got  and 
I'm  sick  in  tired  of  it  all. 

Wait  till  you  hear  what  come  off  today  Al.  In 
the  first  place  my  feet's  been  going  back  on  me  for 
a  long  wile  and  they  walked  us  all  over  France  yes- 


m  THE  REAL  DOPE 

terday  and  this  a.  m.  I  couldn't  hardly  get  my  shoes 
on  and  they  was  going  out  for  riffle  practice  and 
I  don't  need  no  riffle  practice  Al  and  besides  that  I 
couldn't  of  stood  it  so  I  got  excused  and  I  set 
around  a  wile  after  the  rest  of  the  bunch  was  gone 
and  finely  my  feet  got  feeling  a  little  better  and  I 
walked  over  to  the  estaminet  where  that  little  gal's 
at  to  see  if  maybe  I  couldn't  brighten  things  up  a 
little  for  her  and  sure  enough  she  was  all  smiles 
when  she  seen  me  and  we  talked  a  wile  about  this 
in  that  and  she  tried  to  get  personal  and  called  me 
cherry  which  is  like  we  say  dearie  and  finely  I  made 
the  remark  that  I  didn't  think  we  would  be  here 
much  longer  and  then  I  seen  she  was  going  to  blub- 
ber so  I  kind  of  petted  her  hand  and  stroked  her 
hair  and  she  poked  her  lips  out  and  I  give  her  a 
smack  Al  but  just  like  you  would  kiss  a  kid  or 
something  after  they  fell  down  and  hurt  themself. 
Well  Al  just  as  this  was  comeing  off  the  door  to 
the  other  part  of  the  joint  opened  up  and  in  come 
her  old  man  and  seen  it  and  I  thought  all  French- 
mens  talked  fast  Al  but  this  old  bird  made  them 
sound  like  a  impediment  and  he  come  at  me  and  if 
he  hadn't  been  so  old  I  would  of  crowned  him  but 
of  course  I  couldn't  do  nothing  only  let  him  rave 
and  finely  I  felt  kind  of  sorry  for  him  and  I  had 
a  20  frank  note  on  me  so  I  shoved  it  at  him  and  it 
struck  him  dumb  Al  and  I  got  out  of  there  and  come 
back  to  the  Ark  and  it  seems  like  I  had  been  away 


STRAGETY  AND  TRAGEDY  93 

a  whole  lot  longer  then  I  meant  to  and  any  way  I 
hadn't  hardly  no  more  then  got  my  shoes  oif  and 
layed  down  when  in  come  some  of  the  boys. 

Well  Al  what  do  you  think  ?  Gen.  Pershing  was 
out  there  to  the  riffle  practice  to  overlook  them  and 
I  suppose  he  heard  we  was  going  to  be  out  there  and 
he  went  out  there  to  be  sure  and  catch  me  and  he 
was  makeing  a  visit  around  the  camp  and  instead  of 
him  stopping  here  he  went  out  there  to  see  us  and 
instead  of  me  being  out  there  Al,  here  I  was  mixed 
up  in  a  riot  with  an  old  goof  over  nothing  you 
might  say  and  Black  Jack  wondring  where  and  the 
he — 11  could  I  be  at  because  Alcock  told  me  he 
noticed  him  looking  around  like  he  mist  somebody. 
And  now  he's  on  his  way  back  to  Paris  and  prob- 
ably sore  as  a  boil  and  I  can't  do  nothing  only 
wait  to  hear  from  him  and  probably  he  will  just  de- 
cide to  pass  me  up. 

And  the  worst  of  it  is  Al  that  when  they  brought 
us  the  mail  they  was  2  letters  for  me  from  Florrie 
and  I  couldn't  of  asked  for  nicer  letters  if  I  had 
wrote  them  myself  only  why  and  the  he — 11  couldn't 
she  of  wrote  them  a  day  sooner  and  I  would  of  no 
more  thought  of  getting  excused  today  then  fly 
because  if  I  had  knew  how  my  Mrs.  mist  me  and 
how  much  she  cares  I  wouldn't  of  been  waisting  no 
time  on  no  Ernestine  but  its  to  late  now  and  Black 
Jack's  gone  and  so  is  my  20  franks  and  believe  me 
Al  SO  frank  notes  is  tray  pew  over  here.  I'll  say 
they  are.  Your  pal,  Jack« 


CHAPTER  IV 


DECOEATED 


Somewheres  m  France,  April  ^. 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  yesterday  was  April 
•^  Fool  and  you  ought  to  seen  what  I  pulled  on 
1  of  the  boys  Johnny  Alcock  and  it  was  a  screen 
and  some  of  the  boys  is  still  laughing  over  it  yet 
but  he  is  1  of  the  kind  that  he  can't  see  a  joke  at 
their  own  expenses  and  he  swelled  up  like  a  poison 
pup  and  now  he  is  talking  about  he  will  get  even 
with  me,  but  the  bird  that  gets  even  with  me  will 
half  to  get  up  a  long  time  before  revelry  eh  Al. 

Well  Al  I  will  tell  you  what  I  pulled  on  him  and 
I  bet  you  will  bust  your  sides.  Well  it  seems  like 
Johnny  has  got  a  girl  in  his  home  town  Riverside, 
111.  near  Chi  and  that  is  he  don't  know  if  he  has  got 
her  or  not  because  him  and  another  bird  was  both 
makeing  a  play  for  her,  but  before  he  come  away 
she  told  him  to  not  worry,  but  the  other  bird  got 
himself  excused  out  of  the  draft  with  a  cold  sore 
or  something  and  is  still  there  in  the  old  town  yet 
where  he  can  go  and  call  on  her  every  night  and 
she  is  libel  to  figure  that  maybe  she  bettei"  marr^ 

94 


DECORATED  95 

him  so  as  she  can  have  some  of  her  evenings  to 
herself  and  any  way  she  might  as  well  of  told 
Johnny  to  not  scratch  himself  over  here  as  to  not 
worry  because  for  some  reason  another  the  gal 
didn't  write  to  him  last  month  at  lease  he  didn't 
get  no  letters  and  maybe  they  got  lost  or  she  had 
writers  cramps  or  something  but  any  way  every 
time  the  mail  come  and  nothing  for  him  he  looked 
like  he  had  been  caught  off  second  base. 

Well  the  day  before  yesterday  he  was  reading  1 
of  the  letters  he  got  from  this  baby  5  or  6  wks.  ago 
on  acct.  of  not  haveing  nothing  better  to  read  and 
he  left  the  envelope  lay  on  the  floor  and  I  was  go- 
ing to  hand  it  back  to  him  but  I  happened  to  think 
that  yesterday  would  be  April  Fool  so  I  kept  a 
hold  of  the  envelope  and  I  got  a  piece  of  paper  and 
wrote  April  Fool  on  it  and  stuck  it  in  the  envelope 
and  fixed  it  up  so  as  it  would  look  like  a  new  letter 
and  I  handed  it  to  him  yesterday  like  it  was  mail 
that  had  only  just  came  for  him  and  you  ought  to 
see  him  when  he  tore  it  open  and  didn't  find  noth- 
ing only  April  Fool  in  it.  At  first  he  couldn't  say 
nothing  but  finely  he  says  "That's  some  comedy 
Keefe.  You  ought  to  be  a  end  man  in  the  stretcher 
bearers  minstrels"  and  he  didn't  crack  a  smile  so  I 
said  "What's  the  matter  with  you  can't  you  take  a 
joke?"  So  he  said  "What  I  would  like  to  take  is  a 
crack  at  your  jaw."  So  I  said  "Well  it's  to  bad 
your  arms  is  both  paralyzed."  WeU  Al  they's  noth- 


96  THE  REAL  DOPE 

ing  the  matter  with  his  arms  and  I  was  just  kidding 
him  because  as  far  as  him  hitting  anybody  is  con- 
serned  I  was  just  as  safe  as  the  gen.  staff  because 
he  ain't  much  bigger  than  a  cutie  and  for  him  to 
reach  my  jaw  he  would  half  to  join  the  aviation. 

Well  of  course  he  didn't  start  nothing  but  just 
said  he  would  get  back  at  me  if  it  took  him  till  the 
duration  of  the  war  and  I  told  some  of  the  other 
boys  about  putting  it  over  on  him  and  they  couldn't 
hardly  help  from  smileing  but  he  acts  like  a  baby 
and  don't  speak  to  me  and  I  suppose  maybe  he 
thinks  that  makes  me  feel  bad  but  I  got  to  be  25 
yrs.  old  before  I  ever  seen  him  and  if  his  head  was 
blowed  off  tomorrow  a.  m.  I  would  try  and  show  up 
for  my  S  meals  a  day  if  you  could  call  them  that. 

But  speaking  about  April  Fool  Al  I  just  stopped 
writeing  to  try  and  light  a  cigarette  with  1  of  these 
here  French  matchs  and  every  one  of  them  is  a 
April  Fool  and  I  guess  the  parents  of  the  kids  over 
here  don't  never  half  to  worry  about  them  smokeing 
to  young  because  even  if  they  had  a  box  of  cig- 
arettes hid  in  their  cradle  they  would  be  of  age 
before  they  would  run  across  a  match  that  lit  and 
I  wouldn't  be  scared  to  give  little  Al  a  bunch  and 
turn  him  loose  in  a  bbl.  of  gasoline. 

Well  Al  I  suppose  you  been  reading  in  the  pa- 
pers about  the  Dutchmens  starting  a  drive  vs.  the 
English  up  in  the  northren  part  of  the  section  and 
at  first  it  looked  like  the  English  w&s  going  to 


DECORATED  97 

leave  them  walk  into  the  Gulf  Stream  and  scald 
themself  to  death,  but  now  it  seems  like  we  have 
got  them  slowed  up  at  lease  that's  the  dope  we  get 
here  but  for  all  the  news  we  get  a  hold  of  we  might 
as  well  of  jumped  to  the  codfish  league  on  the  way 
over  and  once  in  a  wile  some  of  the  boys  gets  a 
U.  S.  paper  a  mo.  old  but  they  hog  onto  it  and 
don't  leave  nobody  else  see  it  but  as  far  as  I  am 
conserned  they  can  keep  it  because  I  haven't  no 
time  to  waist  reading  about  the  Frisco  fair  or  the 
Federal  League  has  blowed  up  and  etc.  And  of 
course  they's  plenty  of  newspapers  from  Paris  but 
all  printed  in  la  la  la  so  as  every  time  you  come  to 
a  word  you  half  to  rumage  through  a  dictionary 
and  even  when  you  run  it  down  its  libel  to  mean  20 
different  articles  and  by  the  time  you  figured  out 
whether  they  are  talking  about  a  st.  car  or  a  hot 
bath  or  a  raisin  or  what  and  the  he — 11  they  are 
talking  about  they  wouldn't  be  no  more  news  to  it 
then  the  bible  and  it  looks  to  me  Al  like  it  would  be 
a  good  idear  if  you  was  to  drop  me  a  post  card 
when  the  war  is  over  so  as  I  can  tell  Capt.  Seeley 
or  he  will  still  be  running  us  ragged  to  get  in  shape 
a  couple  of  yrs.  after  the  last  of  the  Dutchmens 
lays  molting  in  the  grave. 

Jokeing  to  1  side  Al  you  probably  know  what's 
going  on  a  long  wile  before  we  do  and  the  only 
chance  we  would  have  to  know  how  a  battle  come 
out  would  be  if  we  was  in  it  and  they's  no  chance 


98  THE  REAL  DOPE 

of  that  unless  they  send  us  up  to  the  northern  part 
of  the  section  to  help  out  because  Van  Hindenburg 
must  have  something  under  his  hat  besides  bristles 
and  he  ain't  a  sucker  enough  to  start  driveing  vs. 
the  front  that  we  are  behind  it  unless  he  is  so  home- 
sick that  he  can't  stand  it  no  longer  in  France. 
Your  pal,  Jack. 

Somewhere s  in  France,  April  6, 

rflRIEND  AL:  Well  AI  1  of  the  Chi  news- 
-*  papers  is  getting  out  a  paper  in  Paris  and 
printed  in  English  and  I  just  seen  a  copy  of  it 
where  the  Allys  has  finely  got  wise  to  themself  and 
made  1  man  gen.  of  all  the  Allys  and  it  was  a 
sucker  play  to  not  do  that  long  ago  only  it  looks 
to  me  like  they  pulled  another  boner  by  makeing 
a  Frenchman  the  gen.  and  I  suppose  they  done  it 
for  a  complement  to  the  Frenchmens  on  acct.  of 
the  war  being  here,  but  even  suppose  this  here  Foch 
is  a  smart  gen.  and  use  his  brains  and  etc.  it  looks 
to  me  like  it  would  of  been  a  whole  lot  better  to  of 
picked  out  a  man  that  can  speak  English  because 
suppose  we  was  all  in  a  big  battle  or  something 
and  he  wanted  we  should  go  over  the  top  and  if  he 
said  it  in  French  why  most  of  the  boys  hasn't  made 
no  attempts  to  master  the  language  and  as  far  as 
they  was  conserned  he  might  as  well  be  telling  them 
to  wash  their  neck.   Or  else  they  would  half  to  be 


DECORATED  99 

mterpeters  to  translate  it  out  in  English  what  he 
was  getting  at  and  by  the  time  he  give  the  orders 
to  fire  and  the  interpeter  looked  it  up  and  seen  what 
it  meant  in  English  and  then  tell  us  about  it  the 
Dutchmens  would  be  putting  peep  holes  through 
us  with  a  bayonet  and  besides  the  French  word  for 
fire  in  English  is  feu  in  French  and  you  say  it  like 
it  was  few  and  if  Gen.  Foch  yelled  few  we  might 
think  he  was  complaining  of  the  heat. 

But  at  that  its  better  to  have  1  man  running  it 
even  a  Frenchman  then  a  lot  of  different  gens, 
telling  us  to  do  this  in  that  and  the  other  thing 
every  one  of  them  different  and  suppose  they  done 
that  in  baseball  Al  and  a  club  had  3  or  4  mgrs.  and 
suppose  for  inst.  it  come  up  to  the  9th.  inning  and 
we  needed  some  runs  and  it  was  Benz's  turn  to  hit 
and  1  mgr.  would  tell  him  to  go  up  and  hit  for 
himself  and  another  mgr.  would  tell  Murphy  to  go 
up  and  hit  for  him  and  another  mgr.  would  send 
Risberg  up  and  another  would  send  Russell  and  the 
next  thing  you  know  they  would  be  2  of  them 
swinging  from  1  side  of  the  plate  and  2  from  the 
other  side  and  probably  busting  each  other  in  the 
bean  with  their  bats  but  you  take  most  bird's  beans 
and  what  would  break  would  be  Mr.  Bat.  But  its 
the  same  in  war  like  in  baseball  and  you  got  to 
have  1  man  running  it.  With  a  lot  of  different 
gens,  in  command,  1  of  them  might  tell  the  men  to 
charge  while  another  was  telling  them  to  pay  cash. 


lOQ  THE  REAL  DOPE 

Jokeing  to  1  side  Al  some  of  our  boys  have  over- 
took a  section  up  along  the  Moose  river  and  I 
wouldn't  dast  write  about  it  only  its  been  printed 
in  the  papers  all  ready  so  I  am  not  giveing  away 
no  secrets  to  the  Dutchmens.  At  lease  they  don't 
mind  us  writeing  something  that's  came  out  in  the 
papers  though  as  far  as  I  can  see  how  would  the 
Dutchmens  know  it  any  more  if  it  was  in  the  papers 
or  not,  because  they  ain't  so  choked  with  jack  over 
in  Germany  that  they  are  going  to  spend  it  on  U.  S. 
papers  a  mo.  old  and  even  when  they  got  them 
they  would  half  to  find  somebody  that  could  read 
English  and  hadn't  been  killed  for  it  and  it  would 
be  like  as  if  I  should  spend  part  of  my  $15  a  mo. 
subscribeing  to  the  Chop  Suey  Bladder  that  you 
would  half  to  lay  on  your  stomach  and  hold  it  with 
your  feet  to  get  it  right  side  up  and  even  then  it 
wouldn't  mean  nothing.  But  any  way  the  Dutch- 
mens is  going  to  know  sooner  or  later  that  we  are 
in  the  war  and  what's  the  difFerents  if  they  meet  us 
at  the  Moose  or  the  Elks.?  Jokeing  a  side  Al  I 
guess  you  won't  be  supprised  to  hear  how  I  have 
picked  up  in  the  riffle  practice  and  I  knew  right 
along  that  I  couldn't  hardly  help  from  being  a 
A  No.  1  marksman  because  a  man  that  had  almost 
perfect  control  in  pitching  you  might  say  would 
be  bound  to  shoot  straight  when  they  got  the  hang 
of  it  and  don't  be  supprised  if  I  write  you  1  of 
these  days  that  I  been  appointed  a  snipper  that 


DECORATED  101 

sets  up  in  a  tree  somewheres  and  picks  ofF  the  boshs 
whenever  they  stick  their  head  up  and  they  call 
them  snippers  so  pretty  soon  my  name  is  libel  to  be 
Jake  Snipe  instead  of  Jack  Keefe,  but  seriously 
Al  I  can  pick  off  them  targets  like  they  was 
cherrys  or  something  and  maybe  I  won't  half  to 
go  in  the  trenchs  at  all. 

I  guess  I  all  ready  told  you  about  that  little  trick 
I  pulled  on  Johnny  Alcock  for  a  April  Fool  gag 
and  at  first  he  swelled  up  like  a  poison  pup  and 
wouldn't  talk  to  me  and  said  he  wouldn't  never 
rest  till  he  got  even.  Well  he  finely  got  a  real  letter 
from  the  gal  back  home  and  she  is  still  waiting  for 
him  yet  so  he  feels  O.  K.  again  and  I  and  him  are 
on  speaking  turns  again  and  I  am  glad  to  not  be 
scraping  with  him  because  I  don't  never  feel  right 
unless  I  am  pals  with  everybody  but  they  can't 
nobody  stay  sore  at  me  very  long  and  even  when 
some  of  the  boys  in  baseball  use  to  swell  up  when 
I  pulled  1  of  my  gags  on  them  it  wouldn't  last  long 
because  I  w^ould  just  smile  at  them  and  they  would 
half  to  smile  back  and  be  pals  and  I  always  say 
that  if  a  man  can't  take  a  joke  he  better  take  acid 
or  something  and  make  a  corps  out  of  himself  in- 
stead of  a  monkey.  Your  pal,  Jack. 


102  THE  REAL  DOPE 

^SoToewheres  in  France,  April  11. 

WTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  don't  suppose  you 
-»  knew  I  was  a  detective  but  when  it  comes  to 
being  a  dick  it  looks  like  I  don't  half  to  salute 
Wm.  Burns  or  Shylock  or  none  of  them. 

Seriously  Al  I  come  onto  something  today  that 
may  turn  out  to  be  something  big  and  then  again 
it  may  not  but  it  looks  like  it  was  something  big 
only  of  course  it  has  got  to  be  kept  a  secret  till  I 
get  the  goods  on  a  certain  bird  and  I  won't  pull  it 
till  I  have  got  him  right  and  in  that  way  he  won't 
suspect  nothing  until  its  to  late.  But  I  know  you 
wouldn't  breath  a  word  about  it  and  besides  it 
wouldn't  hurt  nothing  if  you  did  because  by  the 
time  you  get  this  letter  the  whole  thing  will  be 
over  and  this  bird  to  who  I  refer  will  probably  own 
a  peace  of  land  in  France  with  a  2  ft.  frontidge 
and  6  ft.  deep.  But  you  will  wonder  what  am  I 
trying  to  get  at  so  maybe  I  better  explain  myself. 

Well  Al  they's  a  big  bird  in  our  Co.  name  Geo. 
Shaffer  and  that's  a  German  name  because  look  at 
Schaefer  that  use  to  play  ball  in  our  league  and 
it  was  spelt  different  but  they  called  him  Germany 
and  he  thought  he  was  funn^^  and  use  to  pull  gags 
on  the  field  but  I  guess  he  didn't  feel  so  funny  the 
day  Griffith  sent  him  up  to  hit  against  me  in  the 
pinch  1  day  at  Washington  and  if  the  ball  he  hit 
had  of  went  straight  out  instead  of  straight  up  it 


DECORATED  103 

would  of  pretty  near  cleared  the  Infield,  But  any 
way  this  bird  Shaffer  in  our  Co.  is  big  enough  to 
have  a  corporal  to  himself  and  they  must  of  spent 
the  first  Liberty  Loan  on  his  uniform  and  he  hasn't 
hardly  said  a  word  since  we  been  in  France  and  for 
a  wile  we  figured  it  was  just  because  he  was  a  crab 
and  to  grouchy  to  talk,  but  now  I  wouldn't  be 
supprised  Al  if  the  real  reason  was  on  acct.  of  him 
being  a  Dutchman  and  maybe  can't  talk  English 
very  good.  Well  I  would  feel  pretty  mean  to  be 
spying  on  most  of  the  boys  that's  been  good  pals 
with  me,  but  when  a  man  is  a  pro  German  spy  him- 
self they's  no  question  of  friendship  and  etc.  and 
whatever  I  can  do  to  show  this  bird  up  I  won't 
hesitate  a  minute. 

Well  Al  this  bird  was  writeing  a  letter  last  night 
and  he  didn't  have  no  envelope  and  he  asked  me  did 
I  have  1  and  I  said  no  and  he  wouldn't  of  never 
spoke  only  to  say  Gimme  but  when  I  told  him  I 
didn't  have  no  envelope  he  started  off  somewheres 
to  get  1  and  he  dropped  the  last  page  out  of  the 
letter  he  had  been  writeing  and  it  was  laying  right 
there  along  side  of  me  and  of  course  I  wouldn't 
of  paid  no  tension  to  it  only  it  was  face  up  so  as  I 
couldn't  help  from  seeing  it  and  what  I  seen  wasn't 
no  words  like  a  man  would  write  in  a  letter  but  it 
was  a  bunch  of  marks  like  a  x  down  at  the  bottom 
and  they  was  a  whole  line  of  them  like  this 
xxxxxxxxxxx 


104!  THE  REAL  DOPE 

Well  that  roused  up  my  suspicions  and  I  guess 
you  know  I  am  not  the  kind  that  reads  other  peo- 
ple's letters  even  if  I  don't  get  none  of  my  own  to 
read  but  this  here  letter  I  kind  of  felt  like  they 
was  something  funny  about  it  hke  he  was  writeing 
in  ciphers  or  something  so  I  picked  the  page  up 
and  read  it  through  and  sure  enough  they  was 
parts  of  it  in  ciphers  and  if  a  man  didn't  have  the 
key  you  couldn't  tell  what  and  the  he — ^11  he  was 
getting  at. 

Well  Al  I  was  still  studing  the  page  yet  when 
he  come  back  in  and  they  wasn't  nothing  for  me  to 
do  only  set  on  it  so  as  he  wouldn't  see  I  had  it  and 
he  come  over  and  begin  looking  for  it  and  I  asked 
him  had  he  lost  something  to  throw  him  off  the 
track  and  he  said  yes  but  he  didn't  say  what  it  was 
and  that  made  it  all  the  more  suspicious  so  he  finely 
give  up  looking  and  went  out  again. 

Well  I  have  got  it  put  away  where  he  can't  get 
a  hold  of  it  because  I  showed  it  to  Johnny  Alcock 
this  A.  M.  and  asked  him  if  it  didn't  look  like  some- 
thing off  color  and  he  said  yes  it  did  and  if  he  was 
me  he  would  turn  it  over  to  Capt.  Seeley  but  on  2d 
thoughts  he  said  I  better  keep  it  a  wile  and  at  the 
same  time  keep  a  eye  on  Shaffer  and  get  more  evi- 
dents  vs.  him  and  then  when  I  had  him  dead  to 
rights  I  could  turn  the  letter  and  the  rest  of  the 
evidents  over  to  Capt.  Seeley  and  then  I  would  be 
sure  to  get  the  credit  for  showing  him  up. 


DECORATED  105 

Well  Al  I  figure  this  1  page  of  his  letter  is 
enough  or  more  then  enough  only  of  course  its  best 
to  play  safe  and  keep  my  eyes  pealed  and  see  what 
comes  oiF  and  I  haven't  got  time  to  copy  down  the 
whole  page  Al  and  besides  they's  a  few  sentences 
that  sounds  O.  K.  and  I  suppose  he  put  them  in 
for  a  blind  but  you  can't  get  away  from  them  x 
marks  Al  and  I  will  write  down  a  couple  other  sen- 
tences and  I  bet  you  will  agree  that  they's  some- 
thing fishy  about  them  and  here  is  the  sentences  to 
which  I  refer : 

^'In  regards  to  your  question  I  guess  I  under- 
stand O.  K.  In  reply  will  say  yes  I.  L.  Y.  more 
than  Y.  L.  M.  Am  I  right." 

*'Have  you  saw  D.  Give  him  a  ring  and  tell  the 
old  spinort  I  am  W.  C.  T.  U.  outside  of  a  little 
Vin  Blank." 

Can  you  make  heads  or  tales  out  of  that  Al?  I 
guess  not  and  neither  could  anybody  else  except 
they  had  the  key  to  it  and  the  best  part  of  it  is  his 
name  is  signed  down  at  the  bottom  and  if  he  can 
explain  that  line  of  talk  he  is  a  wonder  but  he  can't 
explain  it  Al  and  all  as  he  can  do  is  make  a  clean 
brest  of  the  whole  business  and  Alcock  thinks  the 
same  way  and  Alcock  says  he  wished  he  had  of 
been  the  1  that  got  a  hold  of  this  evidents  be- 
cause whoever  turned  it  over  to  Capt.  Seeley 
along  with  what  other  facts  I  can  get  a  hold 
of  will  just  about  get  a  commission  in  the  intel- 


log  THE  REAL  DOPE 

ligents  idept.  and  that's  the  men  that  looks  after 
the  pro  German  spys  Al  and  gets  the  dope  on 
them  and  shows  them  up  and  I  would  probably 
have  my  head  quarters  in  Paris  and  get  good  money 
besides  my  expenses  and  I  would  half  to  pass  up 
the  chance  to  get  in  the  trenchs  and  fight  but  they's 
more  ways  of  fighting  then  1  and  in  this  game  Al 
a  man  has  got  to  go  where  they  send  you  and  where 
they  figure  they  would  do  the  most  good  and  if 
my  country  needs  me  to  track  after  spys  I  will 
sacrifice  my  own  wishs  though  I  would  a  whole  lot 
rather  stay  with  my  pals  and  fight  along  side  of 
them  and  not  snpop  round  Paris  fondleing  door 
nobs  like  a  night  watchman.  But  Alcock  says  he 
would  bet  money  that  is  where  I  will  land  and  he 
says  "You  ought  to  feel  right  at  home  in  the  in- 
telligents  dept.  like  a  camel  in  Lake  Erie"  and  he 
says  the  first  chance  I  get  I  better  try  and  start 
up  a  conversation  with  Shaffer  and  try  and  lead 
him  on  and  that  is  the  way  they  trap  them  is  to  ask 
them  a  whole  lot  of  questions  and  see  what  they 
have  got  to  say  and  if  you  keep  fireing  questions 
at  them  they  are  bound  to  get  balled  up  and  then 
its  good  night. 

Well  I  don't  suppose  it  seems  possible  to  you 
stay  at  homes  that  they  could  be  such  a  thing  like 
a  pro  German  spy  in  the  U.  S.  army  and  how  did 
he  get  there  and  why  did  they  leave  him  in  and 
etc.    Well  Al  you  would  be  supprised  to  know  how 


DECORATED  107 

many  of  them  has  slipped  in  and  Alcock  says  that 
at  first  it  amounted  to  about  ^00%  but  the  intelli- 
gents  officers  has  been  on  their  sent  all  the  wile  and 
most  of  them  has  been  nailed  and  when  they  get 
them  they  shoot  them  down  like  a  dog  and  that's 
what  Shaffer  will  get  Al  and  he  is  out  of  luck  to 
be  so  big  because  all  as  the  fireing  squad  would  half 
to  do  would  be  look  at  their  compass  and  see  if  he 
was  east  or  west  of  them  and  then  face  their  riffle 
in  that  direction  and  let  go. 

I  will  write  and  let  you  know  how  things  comes 
along.  Your  pal,  Jack. 

SmnewJieres  vn  France,  April  1%. 

T7TRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  am  closeing  the  net 
-^  of  evidents  around  Shaffer  and  I  guess  I  all 
ready  got  enough  on  him  to  make  out  a  case  that 
he  couldn't  never  wrinkle  out  of  it  but  Capt.  Seeley 
is  away  and  I  can't  do  nothing  till  he  gets  back. 

I  had  my  man  on  the  grill  today  Al  and  I 
thought  he  would  be  a  fox  and  not  criminate  him- 
self but  I  guess  I  went  at  him  so  smooth  he  didn't 
never  suspect  nothing  till  along  towards  the  finish 
and  then  it  was  to  late.  I  don't  remember  all  that 
was  said  but  it  run  along  these  lines  like  as  fol- 
lows :  In  the  first  place  I  asked  him  where  he  hved 
and  he  said  Milwaukee  Ave.  in  Chi  and  I  don't  kno\r 
if  you  know  it  or  not  Al  but  that's  a  st.  where  they 


108  THE  REAL  DOPE 

have  got  traffic  pollcemens  at  the  corners  to  blow 
their  whistles  once  for  the  Germans  to  go  north 
and  south  and  twice  for  them  to  go  east  and  west. 
So  then  I  said  was  he  married  and  he  says  no.  So 
then  I  asked  him  where  he  was  born  and  he  said 
"What  and  the  he — ^11  are  you  the  personal  officer.?" 
So  I  laughed  it  off  and  said  "No  but  I  thought 
maybe  we  come  from  the  same  part  of  the  country." 
So  he  says  something  about  everybody  didn't  half 
to  come  from  the  country  but  he  wouldn't  come 
out  and  say  where  he  did  come  from  so  then  I 
kind  of  led  around  to  the  war  and  I  made  the  re- 
mark that  the  German  drive  up  on  the  north  side 
of  France  didn't  get  very  far  and  he  says  maybe 
they  wasn't  through.  How  was  that  for  a  fine  line 
of  talk  Al  and  he  might  as  well  have  said  he  hoped 
the  Germans  wouldn't  never  be  stopped. 

Well  for  a  minute  I  couldn't  hardly  help  from 
takeing  a  crack  at  him  but  in  these  kind  of  mat- 
ters Al  a  man  has  got  to  keep  a  hold  of  themself 
or  they  will  loose  their  quarry  so  I  kind  of  forced 
a  smile  and  said  "Well  I  guess  they  would  have 
kept  going  if  they  could  of."  And  then  he  says 
"Yes  but  they  half  to  stop  every  once  in  a  wile 
to  bring  up  Van  Hindenburg."  So  I  had  him 
traped  Al  and  quick  is  a  flash  I  said  "Who  told 
you  their  plans?"  And  he  says  "Oh  he — 11  my 
mother  in  law"  and  walked  away  from  me. 

Well  Al  it  was  just  like  sometimes  when  they 


DECORATED  109 

are  trying  a  man  for  murder  and  he  says  he 
couldn't  of  did  it  because  he  was  over  to  the  Ehte 
jazing  when  it  come  off  and  a  Httle  wile  later  the 
lawyer  asks  him  where  did  he  say  he  was  at  when 
the  party  was  croked  and  he  forgets  what  he  said 
the  1st.  time  and  says  he  was  out  to  Lincoln  Pk. 
kidding  the  bison  or  something  and  the  lawyer 
points  out  to  the  jury  where  his  story s  don't  jib 
and  the  next  thing  you  know  he  is  dressed  up  in 
a  hemp  collar  a  couple  sizes  to  small. 

And  that's  the  same  way  I  triped  Shaffer  get- 
ting him  to  say  he  wasn't  married  and  finely  when 
I  have  him  cornered  he  busts  out  about  his  mother 
in  law.  Well  Al  I  don't  know  of  no  way  to  get 
a  mother  in  law  without  marrying  into  one.  So  I 
told  Alcock  tonight  what  had  came  off  and  he  says 
it  looked  to  him  like  I  had  a  strong  case  and  if  he 
was  me  he  would  spill  it  to  Capt.  Seeley  the  min- 
ute he  gets  back.  And  he  said  "You  lucky  stiff 
you  won't  never  see  the  inside  of  a  front  line 
trench."  So  I  asked  him  what  he  meant  and  he 
repeated  over  again  what  he  said  about  them  take- 
ing  me  in  the  intelligents  dept.  So  it  looks  hke 
I  was  about  through  being  a  doughboy  Al  and 
pretty  soon  I  wijl  probably  be  writeing  to  you 
from  Paris  but  I  don't  suppose  I  will  be  able  to 
tell  you  what  I  am  doing  because  that's  the  kind 
of  a  job  where  mum  is  the  word.       Your  pal. 

Jack. 


IIQ  THE  REAL  DOPE 

Somewheres  in  France^  April  16, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  old  pal  don't  be  supprised 
-^  if  I  write  you  the  next  time  from  Paris.  I 
have  got  a  date  to  see  Capt.  Seeley  tomorrow  and 
Lieut.  Mather  fixed  it  up  for  me  to  see  him  but  I 
had  to  convince  the  lieut.  that  it  wasn't  no  monkey 
business  because  they's  always  a  whole  lot  of  riffs 
and  raffs  asking  Capt.  Seeley  can  they  have  a  word 
with  him  and  what  they  want  is  to  borry  his  knife 
to  pair  their  finger  nails. 

But  I  guess  he  won't  be  sorry  he  seen  me  Al 
not  when  I  show  him  the  stuff  I  have  got  on  this 
bird  and  he  will  probably  shake  me  by  the  hand 
and  say  "Well  Keefe  Uncle  Sam  is  proud  of  you 
but  you  are  waisting  your  time  here  and  I  will  be 
sorry  to  loose  you  but  it  looks  like  you  belong  in 
other  fields."  And  he  will  wire  a.  telegram  to  the 
gen.  staff  reccomending  me  to  go  to  Paris. 

I  guess  I  all  ready  told  you  some  of  the  stuff 
I  have  got  on  this  bird  but  I  have  not  told  you  all 
because  the  best  one  didn't  only  happen  last  night. 
Well  on  acct.  of  I  and  Alcock  being  friends  he  has 
kind  of  been  keeping  a  eye  pealed  on  Shaffer  to 
help  me  out  and  he  found  a  letter  last  night  that 
Shaffer  had  wrote  and  this  time  it  was  the  whole 
letter  with  the  address  and  everything  and  who  do 
you  suppose  it  was  to?  Well  Al  it  was  to  Van 
Hindenbur^  himself  and  I  have  got  it  right  here 


DECORATED  111 

where  I  can  keep  a  eye  on  it  and  believe  me  It's 
worth  watching  and  I  wished  I  could  send  it  to  you 
so  you  could  see  for  yourself  what  kind  of  a  bird 
we  are  dealing  with.  But  that's  impossible  Al  but 
they's  nothing  to  keep  me  from  copping  it  off. 

Well  the  letter  is  wrote  in  German  and  to  show 
you  what  a  foxy  bird  he  is  he  wrote  it  out  in  print- 
ing so  as  if  it  got  found  by  somebody  they  couldn't 
prove  he  wrote  it  because  when  words  is  wrote  out 
in  printing  it  looks  just  the  same  who  ever  wrote 
it  and  you  can't  tell.  But  he  wasn't  foxy  enough 
to  not  sign  G.  S.  down  to  the  bottom  of  it  and 
that  stands  for  his  name  George  Shaffer  and  he  is 
the  only  G.  S.  in  the  Co.  so  it  looks  like  we  had 
him  up  in  a  tree.    Here  is  what  the  letter  says : 

"Field  Marshall  Van  Hmdenburg,  c/o  Die  Vier- 
ten  Dachshunds,  Deutscher  Armee,  Flanders. 
500,000  U.  S.  Soldaten  schon  in  Frankreich  doch. 
In  Lauterbach  habe  Ich  mein  Strumpf  verloren  und 
ohne  Strumpf  gehe  Ich  nicht  helm,  xxxxxxx  G.  S." 

Notice  them  x  marks  again  Al  like  in  the  other 
letter  and  the  other  letter  was  probably  to  Van 
Hindenburg  to  and  I  only  wished  I  knew  what  the 
X  marks  means  but  maybe  some  of  the  birds  that's 
all  ready  in  the  intelligents  dept.  can  figure  it  out. 
But  they's  no  mystery  about  the  rest  of  it  Al  be- 
cause Alcock  understands  German  and  he  translated 


r 


lia  THE  REAL  DOPE 

it  out  what  the  German  words  means  and  here  is 
what  it  means : 

500,000  United  States  soldiers  in  France  all 
ready  yet.  Will  advise  you  when  to  attack  on  this 
front. 

How  is  that  Al  for  a  fine  trader  and  spy  to  tell 
the  gen.  of  the  German  army  how  many  soldiers 
we  got  over  here  and  to  not  attack  till  Shaffer  says 
the  word  and  he  was  probably  going  to  say  it  wile 
we  was  all  asleep  or  something.  But  thanks  to 
me  Al  he  will  be  the  one  that  is  asleep  and  it  will 
be  some  sleep  Al  and  it  will  make  old  Rip  and  Win- 
kle look  like  they  had  the  colic  and  when  the  boys 
finds  out  what  I  done  for  them  I  guess  they  won't 
be  nothing  to  good  for  me.  But  it  will  be  to  late 
for  them  to  show  their  appreciations  because  I 
won't  be  here  no  more  and  the  boys  probably  won't 
see  me  again  till  its  all  over  and  we  are  back  in 
the  old  U.  S.  because  Alcock  was  talking  to  a  bird 
that's  in  the  int.  dept.  and  he  says  1  of  their  dutys 
was  to  keep  away  from  everybody  and  not  leave 
them  know  who  you  are.  Because  of  course  if  word 
got  out  that  you  was  a  spy  chaser  the  spys  wouldn't 
hardly  run  up  and  kiss  you  on  the  st.  but  they 
would  duck  when  they  seen  you  and  you  would  have 
as  much  chance  to  catch  them  as  though  you  was 
trolling  for  wales  with  a  grass  hopper. 

And  from  this  bird's  dope  that  Alcock  was  talk- 
ing to  I  will  half  to  leave  off  my  uniform  and  wear 


DECORATED  113 

plain  close  and  maybe  wear  false  whiskers  and  etc. 
so  as  people  who  see  me  the  1st.  time  I  will  look 
different  to  them  the  next  time  they  see  me  and 
maybe  I  will  half  to  let  my  mustache  grow  and 
grease  it  so  as  they  will  think  maybe  I  am  a  Dutch- 
man and  if  they  are  working  for  the  Kaiser  I  could 
maybe  pump  them. 

But  they's  1  thing  I  don't  like  about  it  Al  be- 
cause Alcock  says  Paris  is  full  of  women  that  isn't 
exactly  spys  but  they  have  been  made  a  fool  out 
of  and  they  are  some  German's  duke  but  the  Dutch- 
mens  tells  them  a  whole  lot  of  things  that  Uncle 
Sam  would  like  to  know  and  I  would  half  to  find 
them  things  out  and  the  only  way  to  do  that  would 
be  to  get  them  stuck  on  me  and  I  guess  that  would- 
n't be  no  chore  but  when  a  gal  gets  stuck  on  you 
they  will  tell  you  everything  they  know  and  wile 
with  most  gals  I  ever  seen  they  could  do  that  with- 
out dropping  another  nickle  still  and  all  it  would 
be  different  with  these  gals  in  Paris  that's  been 
the  tools  of  some  Dutchmens  because  you  take  a 
German  and  he  don't  never  stop  braging  till  he 
inhales  a  bayonet. 

But  it  don't  seem  fair  to  make  love  to  them  and 
pertend  like  I  was  nuts  over  them  and  then  when 
I  had  learned  all  they  was  to  know  I  would  half  to 
get  rid  of  them  and  cast  them  to  1  side  and  god 
knows  how  many  wounds  I  will  leave  behind  me 
but  probably  as  many  as  though  I  was  a  regular 


114i  [THE  REAL  DOPE 

soldier  or  snipper  but  then  I  wouldn't  feel  so  bad 
about  it  because  it  would  be  men  and  not  girlies 
but  everything  goes  in  war  fair  as  they  say  Al 
and  if  Uncle  Sam  and  Gen.  Pershing  asks  me  to 
do  it  I  will  do  whatever  they  ask  me  and  they  can't 
nobody  really  hold  it  vs.  me  because  of  why  I  am 
doing  it. 

But  talking  about  snippers  Al  I  noticed  today 
that  I  wasn't  near  as  good  as  usual  in  the  riffle 
practice  and  it  was  like  as  if  I  was  haveing  a  slump 
like  some  of  the  boys  does  in  baseball  when  they 
go  along  5  or  6  days  without  finding  out  who  is 
umpireing  the  bases  and  I  am  afraid  that  is  how 
it  would  be  with  me  in  snipping  I  would  be  0.  K. 
part  of  the  time  and  the  rest  of  the  time  I  couldn't 
hit  Europe  and  maybe  I  would  fall  down  when  they 
was  depending  on  me  and  then  I  would  feel  like  a 
rummy  so  I  gniess  I  better  not  try  and  show  up 
so  good  in  practice  even  when  I  do  feel  O.  K.  be- 
cause they  might  make  a  snipper  out  of  me  without 
knowing  my  weakness  and  I  figure  its  something 
the  matter  with  my  eyes.  Besides  Al  it  don't  seem 
like  its  a  fair  game  to  be  pecking  away  at  some- 
body that  they  can't  see  you  and  aren't  looking 
for  no  supprise  and  its  a  whole  lot  different  then 
fighting  with  a  bayonet  where  its  man  to  man  and 
may  the  best  man  win. 

Well  Al  I  guess  I  have  told  you  all  the  news  and 
things  is  going  along  about  as  usual  and  they  don't 


/ 


/ 


When  a  gal  gets  stuck  on  you  they  will  tell  you  everything  they  know 


DECORATED  115 

seem  to  be  no  prospects  of  us  overtakeing  a  section 
up  to  the  front  but  its  just  train  and  train  and 
train  and  if  the  ball  clubs  had  a  training  trip  like 
we  been  haveing  they  would  be  so  tired  by  the  1 
of  May  that  they  wouldn't  run  out  a  base  on  balls. 
Yesterday  we  past  by  a  flock  of  motor  Lauras  that 
was  takeing  wounded  back  to  a  base  hospital  some- 
wheres  and  Alcock  was  talking  to  1  of  the  drivers 
and  he  said  that  over  100%  of  the  birds  that's  get- 
ting wounded  and  killed  these  days  is  the  snippers 
and  the  boshs  don't  never  rest  till  they  find  out 
where  there  nests  is  at  and  then  they  get  all  their 
best  marksmens  and  aim  at  where  they  think  the 
snipper  has  got  his  nest  and  then  its  good  night 
snipper  and  he  is  either  killed  right  out  or  looses 
a  couple  of  legs  or  something.  I  certainly  feel 
sorry  for  the  boys  that's  wounded  Al  and  every 
time  we  see  a  bunch  of  them  all  us  boys  is  crazy 
to  get  up  there  to  the  front  and  get  even  for  what 
they  done. 

Well  old  pal  I  will  half  to  get  busy  now  and 

overlook  the  dope  I  have  got  on  Shaffer  so  as  I  will 

have  everything  in  order  for  Capt.  Seeley  and  I 

will  write  and  let  you  know  how  things  comes  out. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 


116  THE  REAL  DOPE 

^Somewheres  m  France,  April  18, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  they's  a  whole  lot  of 
•^  birds  that  thinks  they  are  wise  and  always 
trying  to  pull  off  something  on  somebody  but  once 
in  a  wile  they  pick  out  the  wrong  bird  to  pull  it 
on  and  then  the  laugh  is  on  the  smart  Alex  them- 
self. 

Well  Alcock  and  some  of  them  thought  they 
was  putting  up  a  game  on  me  and  was  going  to 
make  me  look  like  a  monkey  but  before  I  get 
through  with  them  Al  they  will  be  the  suckers  and 
I  will  be  giveing  them  the  horse  laugh  but  what 
I  ought  to  do  is  bust  them  in  the  jaw  and  if  I  was 
running  this  war  every  bird  that  tried  to  pull  off 
some  practical  joke  to  put  a  man  in  bad,  I  would 
give  a  lead  shower  in  their  honor  some  a.  m.  before 
breakfast. 

Alcock  was  trying  to  make  me  believe  that  1  of 
the  boys  in  the  Co.  name  Geo.  Shaffer  was  a  Ger- 
man spy  or  something  and  they  framed  up  a  letter 
like  as  if  he  wrote  it  to  Van  Hindenburg  giveing 
away  secrets  in  German  about  our  army  and  etc. 
but  they  made  the  mistake  of  signing  his  initials 
to  the  letter  so  when  I  come  to  think  it  over  I  seen 
it  must  be  a  fake  because  a  bird  that  was  a  real 
spy  wouldn't  never  sign  their  own  name  to  a  letter 
but  they  would  sign  John  Smith  or  something. 

But  any  way  I  had  a  hold  of  this  letter  and  a 


DECORATED  117 

peace  of  another  letter  that  Shaffer  really  did  write 
it  and  I  thought  I  would  show  them  to  Capt.  Seeley 
and  play  it  safe  because  they  might  be  something 
in  them  after  all  and  any  way  it  would  give  him 
a  good  laugh.  So  j^esterday  I  went  and  seen  him 
and  he  says  "Well  Keefe  what  can  I  do  for  you?" 
So  I  said  "You  can't  do  nothing  for  me  sir  but 
this  time  I  can  do  something  for  you.  What  would 
you  think  if  I  told  you  they  was  a  trader  and  a 
German  spy  in  your  Co."  So  he  says  "I  would 
think  you  were  crazy."  So  I  said  "I  am  afraid 
you  will  half  to  think  so  then  but  maybe  you  won't 
think  I  am  so  crazy  when  I  show  you  the  goods." 
So  then  Al  I  pulled  that  1st.  peace  of  a  letter 
on  him  and  showed  it  to  him  and  he  read  it  and 
when  he  got  through  he  says  "Well  it  looks  suspi- 
cious all  right.  It  looks  like  the  man  that  wrote 
it  was  hacking  up  a  big  plot  to  spring  a  few  de- 
pendents on  his  local  board  the  next  time  they  draft 
him."  So  I  said  "The  bird  that  wrote  that  letter 
is  a  Dutchman  name  Geo.  Shaffer."  So  Capt. 
Seeley  says  "Well  I  wish  him  all  the  luck  in  the 
world  and  a  lot  of  little  Shaffers."  So  I  said  "Yes 
but  what  about  them  x  marks  and  all  them  letters 
without  no  words  to  them.?"  So  he  said  "Didn't 
you  never  correspond  with  a  girl  and  put  some  of 
them  xs  down  to  the  bottom  of  your  letter.?"  So 
I  says  "I  have  wrote  letters  to  a  whole  lot  of  girls 
but  I  never  had  to  write  nothing  in  ciphers  because 


118  THE  REAL  DOPE 

I  wasn't  never  ashamed  of  anything  I  wrote."  So 
he  said  "Well  your  lady  friends  was  all  cheated 
then  because  this  is  ciphers  all  right  but  its  the 
kind  of  messages  they  love  to  read  because  it  means 
kisses." 

Well  Al  of  course  I  knew  it  meant  something 
like  that  but  I  didn't  think  a  big  truck  horse  like 
Shaffer  would  make  such  a  mushmellow  out  of  him- 
self. But  anyway  I  said  to  Capt.  Seeley  I  says 
**A11  right  but  what  about  them  other  initials  with- 
out no  words  to  go  with  them?"  And  he  says 
*'Well  that's  some  more  ciphers  but  they's  probably 
a  little  gal  out  in  Chi  that  don't  half  to  look  at  no 
key  to  figure  it  out." 

So  then  I  pulled  the  other  letter  on  him  the  1 
in  German  and  he  also  smiled  when  he  read  this 
one  and  finely  he  says  "Some  of  your  pals  has  been 
playing  a  trick  on  you  like  when  you  come  over 
on  the  ship  and  the  best  thing  you  can  do  is  to 
tear  the  letters  up  and  keep  it  quite  and  don't  leave 
nobody  know  you  fell  for  it.  And  now  I  have  got 
a  whole  lot  to  tend  to  so  good  by." 

So  that's  all  that  was  said  between  us  and  I  come 
away  and  come  back  to  quarters  and  Alcock  and 
S  or  3  of  the  other  boys  was  there  and  Alcock  knew 
where  I  had  been  and  I  suppose  he  had  told  the 
other  birds  and  they  was  all  set  to  give  me  the  Mary 
ha  ha  but  I  beat  them  to  it. 

*'Well  Alcock"  I  says  when  I  come  in  "you  are 


DECORATED  119 

some  joke  Smith  but  you  wouldn't  think  you  was 
so  funny  if  I  punched  your  jaw."  So  he  turned 
kind  of  pail  but  he  forced  a  smile  and  says  "Well 
I  guess  the  Vin  Blank  is  on  you  this  time."  So  I 
said  "You  won't  get  no  Vin  Blank  off  me  but  what 
you  are  libel  to  get  is  a  wallop  in  the  jaw."  So 
he  says  "You  crabbed  at  me  a  wile  ago  for  not 
takeing  a  joke  but  it  looks  like  you  was  the  one 
that  couldn't  take  them  now."  So  I  said  "What 
I  would  like  to  take  is  a  poke  at  your  nose."  So 
that  shut  him  up  and  they  didn't  none  of  them 
get  their  laugh  because  I  had  them  scared  and  if 
they  had  of  laughed  I  would  of  made  them  swal- 
low it. 

So  after  all  Al  the  laugh  is  on  them  because 
their  gag  fell  dead  and  I  guess  the  next  time  they 
try  and  pull  some  gag  they  will  pick  out  some  hick 
from  some  X  roads  to  pull  it  on  and  not  a  bird 
that  has  traveled  all  over  the  big  leagues  and  seen 
all  they  is  to  see. 

Well  Al  I  am  tickled  to  death  I  won't  half  to 
give  up  my  uniform  and  snoop  around  Paris  like 
a  white  wings  double  crossing  women  and  spying 
and  etc.  and  even  if  the  whole  thing  hadn't  of  been 
just  a  joke  I  was  going  to  ask  Capt.  Seeley  to 
not  reccomend  me  to  no  int.  dept.  but  jest  leave 
me  be  where  I  am  at  so  as  when  the  time  comes  I 
can  fight  fair  like  man  to  man  and  not  behind  no 
woman's  skirts  like  a  cur. 


120  THE  REAL  DOPE 

So  you  see  Al  everything  is  O.  K.  after  all 
and  the  laugh  is  on  Alcock  and  his  friends  because 
they  was  the  ones  that  expected  to  do  all  the  laugh- 
ing but  instead  of  that  I  made  a  monkey  out  of 
them.  Your  pal, 

Jack, 


SomewJieres  in  France,  April  23, 

T7TRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  if  you  would  see  my 
■^  face  you  would  think  I  had  been  attending  a 
barrage  or  something  or  else  I  had  been  in  a  bar 
room  fight  only  of  course  if  it  was  a  fair  fight  I 
wouldn't  be  so  kind  of  marred  up  like  I  am.  But 
I  had  a  accident  Al  and  fell  over  a  bunk  and  lit 
on  the  old  bean  and  the  result  is  Al  that  I  have  got 
a  black  eye  and  a  bad  nose  and  my  jaw  is  swole  a 
little  and  my  ears  feels  kind  of  dull  like  so  I  guess 
the  ladys  wouldn't  call  me  Handsome  Jack  if  they 
seen  me  but  it  will  be  all  O.  K.  in  a  few  days  and 
I  will  be  the  same  old  Jack. 

But  I  will  tell  you  how  it  come  off.  I  was  set- 
ting reading  a  letter  from  Florrie  that  all  as  she 
said  in  it  was  that  she  had  boughten  herself  a  new 
suit  that  everybody  says  was  the  cutest  she  ever 
had  on  her  back  just  like  I  give  a  dam  because  by 
the  time  I  see  her  in  it  she  will  of  gave  it  to  little 
Al's  Swede.  But  any  way  I  was  reading  this  letter 
when  iu  come  Shaffer  the  bird  that  was  mixed  uj> 


DECORATED  1^1 

in  that  little  gag  about  the  fake  spy  and  he  come 
up  to  me  and  says  "Well  you  big  snake  who's  male 
are  you  reading  now?"  Well  Al  him  calling  me 
big  is  like  I  would  say  hello  Jumbo  to  a  flee.  But 
any  way  I  says  "My  own  male  and  who  and  the 
he — ^11  male  would  I  be  reading?"  So  he  said 
"Well  its  hard  to  tell  because  you  stole  some  of 
mine  and  read  it  and  not  only  that  but  you  showed 
it  to  the  whole  A.  E.  F.  so  now  stand  up  and  take 
what's  comeing  to  you." 

Wei  Al  I  thought  he  was  just  kidding  so  I  says 
*'I  come  over  here  to  fight  Germans  and  not  1  of 
my  own  pals."  So  he  says  "Don't  call  me  no  pal, 
but  if  you  come  to  fight  Germans  now  is  your 
chance  because  you  say  I'm  1  of  them." 

Well  he  kind  of  made  a  funny  motion  like  he 
wanted  to  spar  or  wrestle  or  something  and  I 
thought  he  meant  it  in  a  friendly  way  like  we  some- 
times pull  off  a  rough  house  once  in  a  wile  so  I 
stood  up  but  before  I  had  a  chance  to  take  holds 
with  him  he  cut  loose  at  me  with  his  fists  doubled 
up  and  I  kind  of  triped  or  something  and  fell  over 
a  bench  and  I  must  have  hit  something  sharp  on 
the  way  down  and  I  kind  of  got  scratched  up  but 
they  are  only  scratchs  and  don't  amt.  to  nothing. 
Only  I  wished  I  knew  he  had  of  been  serious  and 
I  would  of  made  a  punching  bag  out  of  him  and 
you  can  bet  that  the  next  time  he  wants  to  start 
something  I  won't  wait  to  see  if  he  is  jokeing  but 


m  THE  REAL  DOPE 

I  will  tear  into  him  and  he  will  think  he  run  into 
a  Minnie  Weffers. 

Well  I  suppose  Alcock  was  sore  at  me  for  get- 
ting the  best  of  him  and  not  falling  for  his  gag 
and  he  was  afraid  to  tackle  me  himself  and  he  told 
big  Shaffer  a  peck  of  lies  about  some  dam  letter 
or  something  and  said  I  stole  it  and  it  made  Shaf- 
fer sore  and  no  wonder  because  who  wouldn't  be 
sore  if  they  thought  somebody  was  reading  their 
male.  But  a  man  like  Shaffer  that  if  he  stopped 
a  shell  the  Dutchmens  would  half  to  move  back  a 
w^ays  so  as  they  would  be  room  enough  in  France 
to  bury  him  hasn't  got  no  right  to  pick  on  a  smaller 
man  especially  when  I  wasn't  feeling  good  on  acct. 
of  something  I  eat  but  at  that  Al  size  don't  make 
no  difference  and  its  the  bird  that's  got  the  nerve 
and  knows  how  that  can  knock  them  dead  and  if 
Shaffer  had  of  gave  me  any  warning  he  would  of 
been  the  1  that  is  scratched  up  instead  of  I  though 
I  guess  he  is  to  lucky  to  trip  over  a  kit  bag  and 
fall  down  and  cut  himself. 

But  my  scratchs  don't  really  amt.  to  nothing 
!A1  and  in  a  few  days  I  will  be  like  new. 

Your  pal,  ^Jack. 


DECORATED  123 

Somewheres  in  France,  April  25, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  old  pal  I  have  got  some 
•»  big  news  for  jou  now.  We  been  ordered  up 
to  the  front  and  its  good  by  to  this  Class  D  burg 
and  now  for  some  real  actions  and  I  am  tickled  to 
death  and  I  only  hope  the  Dutchmens  will  loose 
their  minds  and  try  and  start  something  up  on  the 
section  where  we  are  going  to  and  I  can't  tell  3^ou 
where  its  at  Al  but  you  keep  watching  the  papers 
and  even  if  the  boshs  don't  start  nothing  maybe 
we  will  start  something  on  our  own  acct.  and  the 
next  thing  you  know  you  will  read  where  we  have 
got  them  on  the  Lincoln  highway  towards  Russia 
and  believe  me  Al  we  won't  half  to  stop  every  lit- 
tle wile  to  bring  up  no  Van  Hindenburg  but  we 
will  run  them  ragged  and  they  say  the  Germans 
is  the  best  singers  and  when  they  all  bust  out  with 
Comrades  they  will  make  the  Great  Lakes  band 
sound  like  the  Russia  artillery. 

Well  Al  I  am  so  excited  I  can't  write  much  and 
I  have  got  a  100  things  to  tend  to  so  I  will  half 
to  cut  this  letter  short. 

Well  some  of  the  other  birds  like  Alcock  and 
them  is  pertending  like  they  was  tickled  to  death 
to  but  believe  me  Al  if  the  orders  was  changed  all 
of  a  sudden  and  they  told  us  we  was  going  to  stay 
here  till  the  duration  of  the  war  we  wouldn't  half 
to  call  on  the  Engrs.  to  dam  their  tear  ducks.    But 


124  THE  REAL  DOPE 

they  pertend  like  they  are  pleased  and  keep  whis- 
tleing  so  as  they  won't  blubber  and  today  they  all 
laughed  their  heads  off  at  something  that  come  out 
in  the  Co.  paper  that  some  of  the  boys  gets  out 
but  they  laughed  like  they  was  nervous  instead  of 
enjoying  it. 

Well  what  come  out  in  the  paper  was  supposed 
to  be  a  joke  on  me  and  if  they  think  its  funny  they 
are  welcome  and  I  would  send  the  paper  to  you 
that  its  in  only  I  haven't  got  only  the  1  copy  so 
I  will  copy  it  down  and  you  can  see  for  yourself 
what  a  screen  it  is.  Well  they's  1  peace  that's 
got  up  to  look  like  it  was  the  casuality  list  in  some 
regular  newspaper  and  it  says: 

Wounded  in  Action 

Privates 

Jack  Keefe,  Chicago,  111.  (Very) 

And  then  they's  another  peace  that  reads  like 
this: 

Decoeated 
"The  Company  has  won  its  first  war  honors  and 
Private  Jack  Keefe  is  the  lucky  dog.  Private 
Keefe  has  been  decorated  by  Gen.  George  Shajffer 
of  the  4th.  Dachshunds  for  extreme  courage  and 
cleverness  in  showing  up  a  dangerous  nest  of  spies. 
Keefe  was  hit  four  times  by  large  caliber  shells 


DECORATED  125 

before  he  could  say  surrender.  He  was  decorated 
with  the  Order  of  the  Schwarz  Auge,  the  Order  of 
the  Rot  Nase  and  the  Order  of  the  Blumenkohl 
Ohren,  besides  which  a  Right  Cross  was  hung  on 
his  jaw.  Private  Keefe  takes  his  honors  very  mod- 
estly, no  one  having  even  heard  him  mention  them 
except  in  stifled  tones  during  the  night." 

Well  Al  all  right  if  they  can  find  something  to 
amuse  themself  and  they  need  it  I  guess.  But 
they  better  remember  that  they's  plenty  of  time 
for  the  laugh  to  be  on  the  other  foot  before  this 
war  is  over.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


CHAPTER  V 


SAMMY  BOY 


In  the  Trenchs,  May  6, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  haven't  wrote  you 
•»-  no  letter  for  a  long  wile  and  I  suppose  maybe 
you  think  something  might  of  happened  to  me 
or  something.  Well  old  pal  they  hasn't  nothing 
happened  and  I  only  wished  they  would  because 
anything  would  be  better  than  laying  around  here 
and  I  would  rather  stop  a  shell  and  get  spread  all 
over  Europe  then  lay  around  here  and  die  a  day 
at  a  time  you  might  say. 

Well  I  would  of  wrote  you  before  only  we  was 
on  the  march  and  by  the  time  night  come  around 
my  dogs  fret  me  so  bad  I  couldn't  think  of  noth- 
ing else  and  when  they  told  us  we  was  comeing  up 
here  I  thought  of  course  they  would  send  us  up 
in  motor  Lauras  or  something  and  not  wear  us  all 
out  before  we  got  here  but  no  it  was  drill  every  ft. 
of  the  way  and  I  said  to  Johnny  Alcock  the  night 
we  got  here  that  when  they  was  sending  us  up  here 
to  die  they  might  at  lease  give  us  a  ride  and  he 
says  no  because  when  they  send  a  man  to  the  elec- 

126 


SAMiVIY  BOY  irt 

trie  chair  they  don't  push  him  up  there  in  a  go 
cart  but  they  make  him  get  there  on  his  own  dogs. 
So  I  said  "Yes  but  he  travels  hght  and  he  don't 
half  to  go  far  and  when  he  gets  there  they's  a 
chair  waiting  for  him  to  set  down  in  it  but  they 
load  us  up  like  a  troop  ship  and  walk  us  y^  way 
to  Sweden  and  when  we  finely  get  here  we  can  either 
remain  standing  or  lay  down  in  a  mud  puddle  and 
tuck  ourself  in." 

And  another  thing  Al  I  thought  they  meant  we 
was  going  right  in  the  front  line  trenchs  where  a 
man  has  got  a  chance  to  see  some  fun  but  where 
we  are  at  is  what  they  call  the  reserve  trenchs  and 
we  been  here  S  days  all  ready  and  have  got  to  stay 
here  7  days  more  that  is  unless  they  should  some- 
thing happen  to  the  regt.  that's  up  ahead  of  us 
in  the  front  line  and  if  they  get  smashed  up  or 
something  and  half  to  be  sent  back  to  the  factory 
then  we  will  jump  right  in  and  take  their  place 
and  I  don't  wish  them  no  bad  luck  but  I  wished 
they  would  get  messed  up  tonight  at  lease  enough 
so  as  they  would  half  to  come  out  for  repairs  but 
it  don't  look  like  they  was  much  chance  of  that 
as  we  are  on  a  quite  section  where  they  hasn't  been 
nothing  doing  since  the  war  begin  you  might  say 
but  of  course  Jerry  is  raising  he — 11  all  over  the 
front  now  and  here  is  where  he  will  probably  pick 
on  next  and  believe  me  Al  we  will  give  him  a  wel- 
come. 


128  THE  REAL  DOPE 

But  the  way  things  is  mapped  out  now  we  will 
be  here  another  wk.  yet  and  then  up  in  the  front 
row  for  10  days  and  then  back  to  the  rest  billets 
for  a  rest  but  they  say  the  only  thing  that  gets 
a  rest  back  there  is  your  stomach  but  believe  me 
your  stomach  gets  a  holiday  right  here  without 
going  to  no  rest  billets. 

Well  I  thought  they  would  be  some  excitement 
up  here  but  its  like  church  but  everybody  says 
just  wait  till  we  get  up  in  front  and  then  we  will 
have  plenty  of  excitement  well  I  hope  they  are 
telling  the  truth  because  its  sure  motonus  here  and 
about  all  as  we  do  is  have  inspections  and  scratch. 
As  Johnny  Alcock  says  France  may  of  lose  a  whole 
lot  of  men  in  this  war  but  they  don't  seem  to  of 
been  no  casualitys  amist  the  cuties. 

Well  Al  they's  plenty  of  other  bugs  here  as  well 
as  the  kinds  that  itchs  and  I  mean  some  of  the 
boys  themselfs  and  here  is  where  it  comes  out  on 
them  is  where  they  haven't  nothing  to  do  only  lay 
around  and  they's  1  bird  that  his  name  is  Harry 
Friend  but  the  boys  calls  him  the  chicken  hawk 
and  its  not  only  on  acct.  of  him  loveing  the  ladys 
but  he  is  all  the  wile  writeing  letters  to  them  and 
he  is  1  of  these  fancy  writers  that  has  to  wind  up 
before  he  comes  down  on  the  paper  with  a  word 
and  between  every  word  he  sores  up  and  swoops 
down  again  like  he  was  over  a  barn  yard  and  some- 
times the  boys  set  around  and  bets  on  how  many 


SAMMY  BOY  129 

wirls  he  will  take  before  he  will  get  within  writeing 
distants  of  the  paper. 

Well  any  way  he  must  get  a  whole  lot  of  letters 
wrote  if  he  answers  all  the  ones  that  comes  for  him 
because  every  time  you  bump  into  him  he  pulls  one 
on  you  that  he  just  got  from  some  gal  that's  nuts 
about  him  somewheres  in  the  U.  S.  and  its  always 
a  different  1  and  I  bet  the  stores  that  sells  service 
stars  kept  open  evenings  the  wk.  this  bird  enlisted 
in  the  draft.  But  today  it  was  a  French  gal  that 
he  had  a  letter  from  her  some  dame  in  Chalons  and 
he  showed  me  her  picture  and  she's  some  queen  Al 
and  he  is  pulling  for  us  to  be  sent  there  on  our 
leave  after  we  serve  our  turn  up  here  and  I  don't 
blame  him  for  wanting  to  be  where  she's  at  and 
I  wished  they  was  some  baby  doll  that  I  could  pal 
around  with  in  what  ever  burg  they  ship  us  to. 
But  I  don't  know  nobody  Al  and  besides  I'm  a  mar- 
ried man  so  no  flirting  with  the  parley  vous  for 
me  and  I  suppose  I  will  spend  most  of  my  time  with 
the  2  Vin  sisters  and  a  headache. 

Your  pal,  'Jack. 

In  the  TrenchSy  May  9. 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  was  talking  to  1  of 
-^  the  boys  Jack  Brady  today  and  we  was  talk- 
ing about  Harry  Friend  and  I  told  Jack  about  him 
getting  a  letter  from  this  French  girlie  at  Chalons 


18Q  THE  REAL  DOPE 

and  how  he  was  pulling  for  us  to  go  there  on  our 
leave  so  as  he  could  see  her  so  Jack  said  he  didn't 
think  we  would  go  there  but  they  would  probabljr 
send  us  to  1  of  the  places  where  we  could  get  a 
bath  as  god  knows  we  will  need  one  and  they  will 
probably  send  us  to  Aix  les  Bains  or  Nice  or  O.  D. 
Cologne.  So  I  said  I  didn't  care  where  we  was 
sent  as  they  wouldn't  be  no  gal  waiting  for  me  in 
none  of  them  towns  so  Jack  says  it  was  my  own 
fault  if  they  wasn't  as  all  these  places  was  full  of 
girlies  that  was  there  for  us  to  dance  with  them 
and  etc.  and  the  officers  had  all  their  names  and 
addresses  and  the  way  to  do  was  write  to  1  of  them 
and  tell  her  when  you  was  comeing  and  would  she 
like  to  show  you  around  and  he  said  he  would  see 
1  of  the  lieuts.  that  he  stands  pretty  good  with 
him  and  see  what  he  could  do  for  me.  Well  Al  I 
told  him  to  go  ahead  as  I  thought  it  was  just  a 
joke  but  sure  enough  he  showed  up  after  a  wile 
and  he  said  the  lieut.  didn't  only  have  1  name  left 
but  she  was  a  queen  and  he  give  me  her  name  and 
address  and  its  Miss  Marie  Antoinette  14  rue  de 
Nez  Rouge,  O.  D.  Cologne. 

Well  Al  I  didn't  have  nothing  else  to  do  so  I 
set  down  and  wrote  her  a  note  and  I  will  coppy 
down  what  I  wrote: 

"Dear  Miss  Antoinette:  I  suppose  you  will  be 
supprised  to  hear  from  me  and  I  hope  you  won't 


.-■¥ 


Every  time  you  bump  into  him  he  pulls  a  letter  on  you 


SAMMY  BOY  131 

think  I  am  some  fresh  bird  writeing  you  this  letter 
for  a  joke  or  something  but  I  am  just  1  of  Uncle 
Sam's  soldiers  from  the  U.  S.  A.  and  am  now  in 
the  trenchs  fighting  for  your  country.  Well  Miss 
Antoinette  we  expect  to  be  here  about  S  wks.  more 
and  then  we  will  have  a  leave  off  for  a  few  days 
and  some  of  the  boys  thinks  we  may  spend  it  in 
your  city  and  I  thought  maybe  you  might  be  good 
enough  to  show  me  around  when  we  get  there.  I 
was  a  baseball  pitcher  back  in  the  U.  S.  A.  tall  and 
athletic  build  and  I  don't  suppose  you  know  what 
baseball  is  but  thought  maybe  you  would  wonder 
what  I  look  like.  Well  if  you  aren't  busy  when 
we  get  there  I  will  hope  to  see  you  and  if  you  are 
agreeable  drop  me  a  line  here  and  I  will  sure  look 
you  up  when  I  get  there." 

So  then  I  give  her  my  name  and  where  to  reach 
me  and  of  course  they  won't  nothing  come  out  of 
it  Al  only  a  man  has  got  to  amuse  yourself  some 
way  in  a  dump  like  this  or  they  would  go  crazy. 
But  it  would  sure  be  a  horse  on  me  if  she  was  to 
answer  the  letter  and  say  she  would  be  glad  to  see 
me  and  then  of  course  I  would  half  to  write  and 
tell  her  I  was  a  married  man  or  else  not  write  to 
her  at  all  but  of  course  they  won't  nothing  come 
out  of  it  and  its  a  good  bet  we  won't  never  see  Co- 
logne as  that  was  just  a  guess  on  Brady's  part. 

Well  Al  things  is  going  along  about  like  usual 


IS2  THE  REAL  DOPE 

with  nothing  doing  only  inspections  and  etc.  and 
telHng  us  how  to  behave  when  we  get  up  there  in 
the  front  row  and  not  to  stick  our  head  over  the 
top  in  the  day  time  and  you  would  think  we  was 
the  home  guards  or  something  and  at  that  I  guess 
the  home  guards  is  seeing  as  much  of  the  war  as 
we  are  in  this  old  ditch  but  they  say  it  will  be  dif- 
ferent when  we  get  up  in  front  and  believe  me  I 
hope  so  and  they  can't  send  us  there  to  soon  to 
suit  me.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


In  the  Trenchs,  May  11, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  here  we  are  up  in  the 
-*  front  line  trenchs  and  we  come  in  here  2  days 
ahead  of  time  but  that's  the  way  they  run  every- 
thing in  the  army  except  feed  you  but  they  don't 
never  do  nothing  when  they  say  they  are  going  to 
and  I  suppose  they  want  a  man  to  get  use  to  have- 
ing  things  come  by  supprise  so  as  it  won't  interfere 
with  your  plans  if  you  get  killed  a  couple  days  be- 
fore you  was  looking  for  it. 

Well  Al  we  are  looking  for  it  now  most  any  day 
and  this  may  be  the  last  letter  you  will  ever  get 
from  your  old  pal  and  you  may  think  I  am  kidding 
when  I  say  that  but  1  of  the  boys  told  me  a  wile 
ago  that  he  heard  Capt.  Seeley  telling  1  of  the 


SAMMY  BOY  133 

lieuts.  that  the  reason  we  come  in  here  ahead  of 
time  was  on  acct.  of  them  expecting  the  Dutchmans 
to  make  their  next  drive  on  this  section  and  the 
birds  that  we  are  takeing  their  place  was  a  bunch 
of  yellow  stiffs  that  was  hard  of  hearing  except 
when  they  was  told  to  retreat  and  Gen.  Pershing 
figured  that  if  they  was  up  here  when  Jerry  made 
a  attack  they  would  turn  around  and  open  up  a 
drive  on  Africa  and  the  bosh  has  been  going 
through  the  rest  of  the  line  like  it  was  held  by  the 
ladies  aid  and  Gen.  Foch  says  they  have  got  to 
be  stopped  so  we  are  elected  Al  and  you  know  what 
that  means  and  it  means  we  can't  retreat  under  no 
conditions  but  stay  here  till  we  get  killed.  So  you 
see  I  wasn't  kidding  Al  and  it  looks  like  it  was  only 
a  question  of  a  few  days  or  maybe  not  that  long 
but  at  that  I  guess  most  of  the  boys  would  just 
as  leave  stop  a  Dutch  bayonet  as  to  lay  around  in 
this  he — 11  hole.  Believe  me  Al  this  is  a  fine  resort 
to  spend  10  days  at  what  with  the  mud  and  the 
perfume  and  a  whole  menajery  useing  you  for  a 
parade  grounds. 

Well  Capt,  Seeley  wants  us  to  get  all  the  rest 
we  can  now  on  acct.  of  what's  comeing  off  after  a 
wile  but  believe  me  I  am  not  going  to  oversleep 
myself  in  this  he — 11  hole  because  suppose  Jerry 
would  pick  out  the  time  wile  you  was  asleep  to 
come  over  and  pay  us  a  visit  and  they's  supposed 


134j  the  real  dope 

to  be  some  of  the  boys  on  post  duty  to  watch  all 
night  and  keep  their  eye  pealed  and  wake  us  up 
if  they's  something  stiring  but  I  have  been  in  ho- 
tels a  lot  of  times  and  left  a  call  with  some  gal 
that  didn't  have  nothing  to  do  only  pair  her  finger 
nails  and  when  the  time  come  ring  me  up  but  even 
at  that  she  forgot  it  so  what  chance  is  they  for  1 
of  these  sentrys  to  remember  and  wake  everybody 
up  when  maybe  they's  5  or  6  Dutchmens  divideing 
him  into  building  lots  with  their  bayonet  or  some- 
thing. So  as  far  as  I  am  conserned  I  will  try  and 
keep  awake  wile  I  can  because  it  looks  like  when 
we  do  go  to  sleep  we  will  stay  asleep  several  yrs. 
and  even  if  we  are  lucky  enough  to  get  back  to 
them  rest  billets  we  can  sleep  till  the  cows  come 
home  a  specially  if  they  give  us  some  more  of  them 
entertainments  like  we  had  in  camp. 

Well  Al  before  we  got  here  I  thought  they  would 
be  so  much  fireing  back  and  4th.  up  here  that  a 
man  couldn't  hear  themself  think  but  I  guess  Jerry 
is  saveing  up  for  the  big  show  though  every  little 
wile  they  try  and  locate  our  batterys  and  clean 
them  out  and  once  in  so  often  1  of  our  big  guns 
replys  but  as  Johnny  Alcock  says  you  couldn't 
never  accuse  our  artillrys  from  being  to  gabby 
and  I  guess  we  are  lucky  they  are  pretty  near 
speechless  as  they  might  take  a  notion  to  fire  short 
but  any  way  a  little  wile  ago  1  of  our  guns  sent 


SAMMY  BOY  135 

a  big  shell  over  and  Johnny  says  what  and  the 
he — ^11  can  that  be  and  I  said  its  a  shell  from  1  of 
our  guns  and  he  says  he  thought  they  fired  1  yes- 
terday. 

Well  as  I  say  here  we  are  with  10  days  of  it 
stareing  us  in  the  eye  and  the  cuties  for  company 
and  the  only  way  we  can  get  out  of  here  ahead  of 
time  is  on  a  stretcher  and  I  wouldn't  mind  that  Al 
but  as  I  say  I  want  to  be  awake  when  my  time 
comes  because  if  I  am  going  to  get  killed  in  this 
war  I  want  to  have  some  idear  who  done  it. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 

In  the  Trenchs,  May  H, 

IZIRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  got  the  supprise  of 
-*  my  life  today  when  Jack  Brady  handed  me 
a  letter  that  had  came  for  me  and  that's  supprise 
enough  itself  but  all  the  more  when  I  opened  it  up 
and  seen  who  it  was  from.  Well  it  was  from  that 
baby  in  Cologne  and  I  will  coppy  it  down  as  it  is 
short  and  you  can  see  for  yourself  what  she  says. 
Well  here  it  is : 

"Dear  Mr.  Keefe:  Your  letter  just  reached  me 
and  you  can  bet  I  was  glad  to  get  it.  I  sure  will 
be  glad  to  see  you  when  you  come  to  Cologne  and 
I  will  be  more  than  glad  to  show  you  the  sights. 


186  THE  REAL  DOPE 

This  is  some  town  and  we  sure  will  have  a  time 
when  you  get  here.  I  am  just  learning  to  write 
English  so  please  excuse  mistakes  but  all  I  want 
to  say  is  don't  disappoint  me  but  write  when  you 
will  come  so  I  can  be  all  dressed  up  comme  un  che- 
val.     Avec  I'amour  und  kussen. 

"Marie  Antoinette." 

You  see  Al  they's  part  of  it  wrote  in  French  and 
that  last  part  means  with  love  and  kisses.  Well  I 
guess  that  letter  I  wrote  her  must  have  went  over 
strong  and  any  ways  it  looks  like  she  didn't  ex- 
actly hate  me  eh  Al?  Well  it  looks  like  I  would 
half  to  write  to  her  back  and  tell  her  I  am  a  mar- 
ried man  and  they  can't  be  no  flirting  between  her 
and  I  but  if  she  wants  to  be  a  good  pal  and  show 
me  around  O.  K.  and  no  harm  done.  Well  I  hope 
she  takes  it  that  way  because  it  sure  will  seem  good 
to  talk  to  a  gal  again  that  can  talk  a  little  English 
and  not  la  la  la  all  the  wile  but  of  course  its  a  good 
bet  that  I  won't  never  see  her  because  we  are  just 
as  libel  to  go  somewheres  else  as  Cologne  though 
Brady  seems  to  think  that's  where  we  are  headed 
for.  Well  time  will  tell  and  in  the  mean  wile  we 
are  libel  to  get  blowed  to  he — ^11  and  gone  and  then 
of  course  it  would  be  good  by  sweet  Marie  but  I 
was  supprised  to  hear  from  her  as  I  only  wrote 
to  her  in  fun  and  didn't  think  nothing  would  come 
from  it  but  I  guess  Harry  Friend  isn't  the  only; 


SAMMY  BOY  1«T 

lady  killer  in  the  U.  S.  army  and  If  I  was  1  of 
the  kind  that  shows  off  all  their  letters  I  guess  I 
have  got  1  now  to  show. 

A  side  from  all  that  Al  we  was  supposed  to  have 
our  chow  a  hr.  ago  but  no  chow  and  some  of  the 
boys  says  its  on  acct.  of  our  back  arears  being  un- 
der fire  and  you  see  the  kitchens  is  way  back  of 
the  front  lines  and  the  boys  on  chow  detail  is  sup- 
posed to  bring  our  food  up  here  but  when  the  back 
arears  is  under  fire  they  are  scared  to  bring  it  up 
or  they  might  maybe  run  into  some  bad  luck  on  the 
way.  How  is  that  for  fine  dope  Al  when  a  whole 
regt.  starves  to  death  because  a  few  yellow  stiffs 
is  afraid  that  maybe  a  shell  might  light  near  them 
and  spill  a  few  beans.  Brady  says  maybe  they 
are  trying  to  starve  us  so  as  we  will  get  mad  and 
fight  harder  when  the  time  comes  like  in  the  old 
days  when  they  use  to  have  fights  between  men  and 
lions  in  Reno  and  Rome  and  for  days  ahead  they 
wouldn't  give  the  lions  nothing  to  eat  so  as  they 
would  be  pretty  near  wild  when  they  got  in  Reno 
and  would  make  a  rush  at  the  gladaters  that  was 
supposed  to  fight  them  and  try  and  eat  them  up 
on  acct.  of  being  so  near  starved.  Well  Al  I  would 
half  to  be  good  and  hungry  before  I  would  want 
to  eat  a  Dutchman  a  specially  after  they  been  in 
the  trenchs  a  wile. 

But  any  way  it  don't  make  a  whole  lot  of  dif- 
ferents  if  the  chow  gets  here  or  not  because  whea 


158  THE  REAL  DOPE 

it  comes  its  nothing  only  a  eye  dropper  full  of 
soup  and  coffee  and  some  bread  that  I  would  hate 
to  have  some  of  it  fall  on  my  toe  and  before  we 
left  the  U.  S.  everybody  was  trying  to  preserve 
food  so  as  the  boys  in  France  would  have  plenty 
to  eat  but  if  they  sent  any  of  the  preserves  over 
here  the  boat  they  come  on  must  of  stopped  a  tor- 
pedo and  I  hope  the  young  mackerels  won't  make 
themselfs  sick  on  sweets. 

Jokeing  to  1  side  this  is  some  climate  Al  and 
they  don't  never  a  day  pass  without  it  raining  and 
I  use  to  think  the  weather  profits  back  home  had 
a  snap  that  all  they  had  to  do  was  write  down 
rain  or  snow  or  fair  and  even  if  they  was  wrong 
they  was  way  up  there  where  you  couldn't  get  at 
them  but  they  have  got  a  tough  job  when  you  look 
at  a  French  weather  profit  and  as  soon  as  he  learns 
the  French  for  rain  he  can  open  up  an  office  and 
he  don't  half  to  hide  from  nobody  because  he  can't 
never  go  wrong  though  Alcock  says  they  have  got 
a  dry  season  here  that  begins  the  14  of  July  and 
ends  that  night  but  its  a  holiday  so  the  weather 
profit  don't  half  to  monkey  with  it.  Any  way  its 
so  dark  here  all  the  wile  that  you  can't  hardly  tell 
day  and  night  only  at  night  times  the  Dutchmens 
over  across  the  way  sends  up  a  flare  once  in  a  wile 
to  light  things  up  so  as  they  can  see  if  they's  any 
of  us  prowling  around  Nobody's  Land  and  speak- 
ing about   Nobody's   Land   Brady   says   its   the 


SAMMY  BOY  139 

ground  that  lays  between  the  German  trenchs  and 
the  vermin  trenchs  but  jokeing  to  1  side  if  it  wasn't 
for  these  here  flares  we  wouldn't  know  they  was 
anybody  over  in  them  other  trenchs  and  when  we 
come  in  here  they  was  a  lot  of  talk  about  Jerry 
sending  over  a  patrol  to  find  out  who  we  was  but 
it  looks  like  he  wasn't  interested.  But  all  and  all 
Al  its  nothing  like  I  expected  up  here  and  all  we 
have  seen  of  the  war  is  when  a  shell  or  2  busts  in 
back  of  us  or  once  in  a  wile  1  of  their  areoplanes 
comes  over  and  1  of  ours  chases  them  back  and 
sometimes  they  have  a  battle  but  they  always  man- 
age to  finish  it  where  we  can't  see  it  for  the  fear 
we  might  enjoy  ourselfs. 

Well  it  looks  like  we  would  half  to  go  to  bed 
on  a  empty  stomach  if  you  could  call  it  bed  and 
speaking  about  stomach  Brady  says  they's  a  old 
saying  that  a  army  travels  on  their  stomach  but  a 
cutie  covers  a  whole  lot  more  ground.  But  as  I 
sa}^  when  you  don't  get  your  chow  you  don't  miss 
much  only  it  kills  a  little  time  and  everj^body  is 
sick  in  tired  of  doing  nothing  and  1  of  the  boys 
was  saying  tonight  he  wished  the  Dutchmens  would 
attack  so  as  to  break  the  motle}^  and  Alcock  said 
that  if  they  did  attack  he  hoped  they  would  do  it 
with  gas  as  his  nose  needed  a  change  of  air. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 


140  THE  REAL  DOPE 

In  the  Trenchs,  May  16, 

TpRIEND  AL:  Well  old  pal  I  come  within  a 
-^  ace  you  might  sa}^  of  not  being  here  to  write 
you  this  letter  and  you  may  think  that's  bunk  but 
wait  till  you  hear  what  come  off.  Well  it  seems  our 
scout  planes  brought  back  word  yesterday  that  the 
Dutch  regt.  over  across  the  way  had  moved  out 
and  another  regt.  had  took  their  place  and  it  seems 
when  they  make  a  change  like  that  our  gens,  al- 
ways trys  to  find  out  who  the  new  rivals  is  so  the 
orders  come  yesterday  that  we  was  to  get  up  a 
patrol  party  for  last  night  and  go  over  and  take 
a  few  prisoners  so  as  we  would  know  what  regt. 
we  was  up  vs.  Well  as  soon  as  the  news  come  out 
they  was  some  of  the  boys  volunteered  to  go  in  the 
patrol  and  they  was  only  a  few  going  so  I  didn't 
feel  like  noseing  myself  In  and  maybe  crowding 
somebody  out  that  was  set  on  going  and  besides 
what  and  the  he — 11  do  I  care  what  regt.  is  there 
as  long  as  its  Germans  and  its  like  you  lived  in  a 
flat  and  the  people  across  the  hall  moved  out  and 
some  people  moved  in  why  as  long  as  you  knowed 
they  wasn't  friends  of  yours  you  wouldn't  rush 
over  and  ring  their  door  bell  and  say  who  the  he — 11 
are  you  but  you  would  wait  till  they  had  time  to 
get  some  cards  printed  and  stick  1  in  the  mail  box. 
So  its  like  I  told  Alcock  that  when  the  boys  come 
back  they  would  tell  the  Col.  that  the  people  opp. 


SAMMY  BOY  141 

us  was  Germans  and  the  Col.  would  be  supprised 
because  he  probably  thought  all  the  wile  that  they 
was  the  Idaho  boy  scouts  or  something.  But  at 
that  I  pretty  near  made  up  my  mind  at  the  last 
minute  to  volunteer  just  to  break  the  motley  you 
might  say  but  it  was  to  late  and  I  lost  out. 

Well  Al  the  boys  that  went  didn't  come  back  and 
I  hope  the  Col.  is  satisfied  now  because  he  has  lost 
that  many  men  and  he  knows  just  as  much  as  he 
did  before  nam.ely  that  they's  some  Germans  across 
the  way  and  either  they  killed  our  whole  bunch  or 
took  them  a  prisoner  and  instead  of  us  learning  who 
they  are  they  found  out  who  we  are  because  the 
boys  that's  gone  is  all  from  our  regt.  and  its  just 
like  as  if  we  went  over  and  give  them  the  informa- 
tion they  wanted  to  save  them  the  trouble  of  come- 
ing  over  here  and  getting  it. 

Well  it  don't  make  a  man  feel  any  happier  to 
think  about  them  poor  boys  and  god  only  knows 
what  happened  to  them  if  they  are  prisoners  or 
dead  and  some  of  them  was  pals  of  mine  to  but  the 
worst  part  of  it  is  that  the  word  will  be  sent  home 
that  they  are  missing  in  actions  and  their  wifes 
won't  know  what  become  of  them  if  they  got  any 
and  I  can't  help  from  thinking  I  might  of  been 
with  them  only  for  not  wanting  to  crowd  somebody 
out  and  if  I  had  of  went  my  name  would  be  in  the 
casuality  list  as  missing  in  actions  but  I  guess  at 
that  if  Florrie  picked  up  the  paper  and  seen  it 


14^  THE  REAL  DOPE 

she  wouldn't  know  it  was  her  husband  its  so  long 
since  she  wrote  it  on  a  envelop. 

Well  Al  they's  other  gals  in  the  world  besides 
Florrie  and  of  course  its  to  late  to  get  serious  with 
them  when  a  man  has  got  a  wife  and  kid  but  believe 
me  I  am  going  to  enjoy  myself  if  they  happen  to 
pick  out  Cologne  to  send  us  to  and  if  the  little  gal 
down  there  is  1  of  the  kind  that  can  be  good  pals 
with  a  man  without  looseing  her  head  over  me  I 
will  sure  have  a  good  time  but  I  suppose  when  she 
sees  me  she  will  want  to  begin  flirting  or  something 
and  then  I  will  half  to  pass  her  up  before  anybody 
gets  hurt.  Well  any  way  I  wrote  her  a  friendly 
letter  today  and  just  told  her  to  keep  me  in  mind 
and  I  stuck  a  few  French  words  in  it  for  a  gag 
but  I  will  coppy  down  what  I  wrote  the  best  I  can 
remember  it  so  you  will  know  what  I  wrote.  Here 
it  is: 

Mon  cJier  Marie:  Your  note  reed,  and  you  can 
bet  I  was  mighty  glad  to  hear  from  you  and  learn 
you  would  show  me  around  Cologne.  That  is  if 
they  send  us  there  and  if  we  get  out  of  here  alive. 
Well  you  said  you  was  just  learning  English  well 
I  will  maybe  be  able  to  help  you  along  and  you 
can  maybe  help  me  with  the  French  so  you  see  it 
will  be  50  50.  Well  I  sure  hope  they  send  us  to 
Cologne  and  I  will  let  you  know  the  minute  I  find 
out  where  they  are  going  to  send  us  and  maybe 


SAMMY  BOY  143 

even  If  its  somewheres  else  couldn't  you  visit  there 
at  the  same  time  and  ma^-be  I  could  see  you.  Well 
girlie  we  will  be  out  of  here  in  less  then  a  wk.  now 
if  we  don't  have  no  bad  luck  and  you  can  bet  I 
won't  waist  no  time  getting  to  where  ever  they 
send  us  and  I  hope  its  Cologne.  So  in  the  mean 
wile  don't  take  no  wood  nickles  and  don't  get  im- 
patient but  be  a  good  girlie  and  save  up  your  lov- 
ing for  me.    Tres  beaucoup  from 

Your  Sammy  Boy, 

Jack  Kep:fe. 

That's  what  I  wrote  her  Al  and  I  bet  she  can't 
hardly  wait  to  hear  if  I'm  comeing  or  not  but  I 
don't  suppose  they's  any  chance  of  them  sending  us 
there  and  a  specially  if  they  find  out  that  anybody 
wants  to  go  there  but  maybe  she  can  fix  it  to  meet 
me  somewheres  else  and  any  ways  they  won't  be  no 
lifes  lost  if  I  never  see  her  and  maybe  it  would  be 
better  that  way.  But  a  man  has  got  to  write  let- 
ters or  do  something  to  keep  your  mind  off  what 
happened  to  them  poor  birds  that  went  in  the  pa- 
trol and  a  specially  when  I  come  so  near  being  1  of 
them.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


1441  THE  REAL  DOPE 


In  the  Trenchs,  May  18. 

jniRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  if  I  am  still  alive  yet 
-^  its  not  because  I  laid  back  and  didn't  take  no 
chances  and  I  wished  some  of  the  baseball  boys  that 
use  to  call  me  yellow  when  I  was  in  there  pitching 
had  of  seen  me  last  night  and  I  guess  they  would 
of  sang  a  different  song  only  in  the  1st.  place  I 
was  where  they  couldn't  nobody  see  me  and  sec- 
ondly they  would  of  been  so  scared  they  would  of 
choked  to  death  if  they  tried  to  talk  let  alone  sing. 
But  wait  till  you  hear  about  it. 

Well  yesterday  p.  m.  Sargent  Crane  asked  me 
how  I  liked  life  in  the  trenchs  and  I  said  O.  K. 
only  I  got  tired  on  acct.  of  they  not  being  no  ex- 
citement or  nothing  to  do  and  he  says  oh  they's 
plenty  to  do  and  I  could  go  out  and  help  the  boys 
fix  up  the  bob  wire  in  front  of  the  trenchs  like  we 
done  back  in  the  training  camp.  So  I  said  I  didn't 
see  how  they  could  be  any  fixing  needed  as  they 
hadn't  nothing  happened  on  this  section  since  the 
war  started  you  might  say  and  the  birds  that  was 
here  before  us  had  plenty  of  time  to  fix  it  if  it 
needed  fixing.  So  he  says  *'Well  any  ways  they's 
no  excitement  to  fixing  the  wire  but  if  you  was 
looking  for  excitement  why  didn't  you  go  with  that 
patrol  the  other  night?"  So  I  said  "Because  I 
didn't  see  no  sence  to  trying  to  find  out  who  was 
in  the  other  trenchs  when  we  know  they  are  Ger- 


SAMMY  BOY  145 

mans  and  that's  all  we  need  to  know.  Wait  till 
thej's  a  real  job  and  you  won't  see  me  hideing  be- 
hind nobody."  So  he  says  "I've  got  a  real  job  for 
you  tonight  and  you  can  go  along  with  Ted  Phil- 
lips to  the  listening  post." 

Well  Al  a  listening  post  is  what  they  call  a  little 
place  they  got  dug  out  way  over  near  the  German 
trenchs  and  its  so  close  you  can  hear  them  talk 
sometimes  and  you  are  supposed  to  hear  if  they 
are  getting  ready  to  pull  something  and  report 
back  here  so  as  they  won't  catch  us  asleep.  Well 
I  was  wild  to  go  just  for  something  to  do  but  I 
been  haveing  trouble  with  my  ears  lately  probably 
on  acct.  of  the  noise  from  so  much  shell  fire  or 
something  but  any  ways  I  have  thought  a  couple 
times  that  I  was  getting  a  little  deef  so  I  thought 
I  better  tell  him  the  truth  so  I  said  "I  would  be 
tickled  to  death  to  go  only  I  don't  know  if  I  ought 
to  or  not  because  I  don't  hear  very  good  even  in 
English  and  of  course  Jerry  would  be  telling  their 
plans  in  German  and  suppose  I  didn't  catch  on  to 
it  and  I  would  feel  like  a  murder  if  they  started 
a  big  drive  and  I  hadn't  gave  my  pals  no  warn- 
ing." So  he  says  "Don't  worry  about  that  as  Phil- 
lips has  got  good  ears  and  understands  German 
and  he  has  been  there  before  only  in  a  job  like  that 
a  man  wants  company  and  you  are  going  along  for 
company." 

Well  before  we  snuck  out  there  Sargent  Crane 


146  THE  REAL  DOPE 

called  us  to  1  side  and  says  "You  boys  is  takeing 
a  big  chance  and  Phillips  knows  what  to  do  but 
you  want  to  remember  Keefe  to  keep  quite  and  not 
make  no  noise  or  talk  to  each  other  because  if  Jerry 
finds  out  you  are  there  we  probably  won't  see  you 
again." 

Well  Al  it  finely  come  time  for  us  to  go  and  we 
went  and  if  anybody  asks  you  how  to  spend  a  pleas- 
ant evening  don't  steer  them  up  against  a  listening 
post  with  a  crazy  man.  Well  I  suppose  you  think 
its  pretty  quite  there  at  home  nights  and  I  use  to 
think  so  to  but  believe  me  Al,  Bedford  at  2  o'clock 
in  the  a.  m.  is  a  bowling  alley  along  the  side  of 
1  of  these  here  listening  posts.  It  may  sound 
funny  but  I  would  of  gave  a  month's  pay  if  some- 
body would  of  shot  off  a  fire  cracker  or  anything 
to  make  a  noise.  There  was  the  bosh  trench  about 
20  yds.  from  us  but  not  a  sound  out  of  them  and 
a  man  couldn't  help  from  thinking  what  if  they  had 
of  heard  us  out  there  and  they  was  getting  ready 
to  snoop  up  on  us  and  that's  why  they  was  keep- 
ing so  still  and  it  got  so  as  I  could  feel  1  of  their 
bayonets  burrowing  into  me  and  I  am  no  quitter 
Al  when  it  comes  to  fighting  somebody  you  can 
see  but  when  you  have  got  a  idear  that  somebody 
is  cralling  up  on  you  and  you  haven't  no  chance 
to  fight  back  I  would  like  to  see  the  bird  that  could 
enjoy  themself  and  besides  suppose  my  ears  liad 
went  back  on  me  worse  then  I  thought  and  the 


SAMMY  BOY  147 

Dutchmens  was  realy  makeing"  a  he — 11  of  a  racket 
but  I  couldn't  hear  them  and  maybe  they  was  get- 
ting ready  to  come  over  the  top  and  I  wouldn't 
know  the  difFerents  and  all  of  a  sudden  they  would 
lay  a  garage  and  dash  out  behind  it  and  if  they 
didn't  kill  us  we  would  be  up  in  front  of  the  court's 
marshal  for  not  warning  our  pals. 

Well  as  I  say  I  would  of  gave  anything  for  some 
one  to  of  fired  off  a  gun  or  made  some  noise  of  some 
kind  but  when  this  here  Phillips  finely  opened  up 
his  clam  and  spoke  I  would  of  jumped  a  mile  if 
they  had  of  been  any  room  to  jump  anywheres. 
Well  the  sargent  had  told  us  not  to  say  nothing 
but  all  of  a  sudden  right  out  loud  this  bird  says 
this  is  a  he — 11  of  a  war.  Well  I  motioned  back 
at  him  to  shut  up  but  of  course  he  couldn't  see 
me  and  he  thought  I  hadn't  heard  what  he  said  so 
he  said  it  over  again  so  then  I  thought  maybe  he 
hadn't  heard  the  sargent's  orders  so  I  whispered 
to  him  that  he  wasn't  supposed  to  talk.  Well  Al 
they  wasn't  no  way  of  keeping  him  quite  and  he 
says  "That's  all  bunk  because  I  been  out  here  be- 
fore and  talked  my  head  off  and  nothing  hap- 
pened." So  I  says  well  if  you  have  got  to  talk 
you  don't  half  to  yell  it.  So  then  he  tried  to  whis- 
per Al  but  his  whisper  sounded  like  a  jazz  record 
with  a  crack  in  it  so  he  says  I'm  not  yelling  I  am 
whispering  so  I  said  yes  I  have  heard  Hughey 
Jennings  whisper  Hke  that  out  on  the  lines. 


148  THE  REAL  DOPE 

So  he  shut  up  for  a  wile  but  pretty  soon  he 
busted  out  again  and  this  time  he  was  louder  then 
ever  and  he  asked  me  could  I  sing  and  I  said  no  I 
couldn't  so  then  he  says  well  you  can  holler  can't 
you  so  I  said  I  suppose  I  could  so  he  says  "Well 
I  know  how  we  could  play  a  big  joke  on  them  square 
heads.  Lets  the  both  of  us  begin  yelling  like  a 
Indian  and  they  will  hear  us  and  they  will  think 
they's  a  whole  crowd  of  us  here  and  they  will  be- 
gin bombing  us  or  something  and  think  they  are 
going  to  kill  a  whole  crowd  of  Americans  but  it 
will  only  be  us  2  and  we  can  give  them  the  laugh 
for  waisting  their  ammunitions." 

Well  Al  I  seen  then  that  I  was  parked  there  with 
a  crazy  man  and  for  a  wile  I  didn't  say  nothing 
because  I  was  scared  that  I  might  say  something 
that  would  encourage  him  some  way  so  I  just  shut 
up  and  finely  he  says  what  is  the  matter  ain't  you 
going  to  join  me?  So  I  said  I  will  join  you  in 
the  jaw  in  a  minute  if  you  don't  shut  3^our  mouth 
and  then  he  quited  down  a  little,  but  every  few 
minutes  he  would  have  another  swell  idear  and  once 
he  asked  me  could  I  imitate  animals  and  I  said  no 
so  he  says  he  could  mew  like  a  cow  and  he  had 
heard  the  boshs  was  so  hard  up  for  food  and  they 
would  rush  out  here  thinking  they  was  going  to 
find  a  cow  hut  it  wouldn't  be  no  cow  but  it  would 
be  a  horse  on  them. 

Well  you  can  imagine  what  I  went  through  out 


SAMMY  BOY  14^ 

there  with  a  bird  like  that  and  I  thought  more  then 
once  I  would  catch  it  from  him  and  go  nuts  my- 
self but  I  managed  to  keep  a  hold  of  myself  and 
the  happiest  minute  of  my  life  was  when  it  was 
time  for  us  to  crall  back  in  our  dug  outs  but  at 
that  I  can't  remember  how  we  got  back  here. 

This  A.  M.  Sargent  Crane  asked  me  what  kind 
of  a  time  did  we  have  and  I  told  him  and  I  told  him 
this  here  Phillips  was  squirrel  meat  and  he  says 
Phillips  is  just  as  sane  as  anybody  usualy  only 
everybody  that  went  out  on  the  listening  post  was 
effected  that  way  by  the  quite  and  its  a  wonder  I 
didn't  go  nuts  to. 

Well  its  a  wonder  I  didn't  Al  and  its  a  good  thing 
I  kept  my  head  and  kept  him  from  playing  1  of 
those  tricks  as  god  knows  what  would  of  happened 
and  the  entire  regt.  might  of  been  wipped  out. 
But  I  hope  they  don't  wish  no  more  listening  post 
on  me  but  if  they  do  you  can  bet  I  will  pick  my 
own  pardner  and  it  won't  be  no  nut  and  no  matter 
what  Sargent  Crane  says  if  this  here  Phillips  is 
sane  we're  stopping  at  Palm  Beach. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 

In  the  Trenchs,  May  19, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  old  pal  don't  say  nothing 
•^  about  this  not  even  to  Bertha  what  I  am  go- 
ing to  tell  you  about  as  some  people  might  not 


150  THE  REAL  DOPE 

understand  and  a  specially  a  woman  and  might 
maybe  think  I  wasn't  acting  right  towards  Florrie 
or  something  though  when  a  man  is  married  to  a 
woman  that  he  has  been  in  France  pretty  near  4 
mos.  and  she  has  wrote  him  3  letters  I  don't  see 
where  she  would  have  a  sqawk  comeing  at  whatever 
I  done  but  of  course  I  am  not  going  to  do  nothing 
that  I  wouldn't  just  as  leave  tell  her  about  it  only 
I  want  to  tell  her  myself  and  when  I  get  a  good 
ready. 

Well  I  guess  I  told  j^ou  we  was  only  supposed 
to  stay  here  in  the  front  line  10  days  and  then 
they  will  somebody  come  and  releive  us  and  take 
our  place  and  then  we  go  to  the  rest  billets  some- 
wheres  and  lay  around  till  its  our  turn  to  come 
up  here  again.  Well  Al  we  been  in  the  front  line 
now  eight  days  and  that  means  we  won't  only  be 
here  2  days  more  so  probably  we  will  get  out  of 
here  the  day  after  tomorrow  night.  Well  up  to 
today  we  didn't  have  no  idear  where  we  was  going 
to  get  sent  as  they's  several  places  where  the  boys 
can  go  on  leave  like  Aix  le  Bains  and  Nice  and 
etc.  and  we  didn't  know  which  1  it  would  be.  So 
today  we  was  talking  about  it  and  I  said  I  wished 
I  knew  for  sure  and  Jack  Brady  stands  pretty 
good  with  1  of  the  lieuts.  so  he  says  he  would  ask 
him  right  out.  So  he  went  and  asked  him  and  the 
lieut.  told  him  Cologne. 

Well  Al  I  hadn't  no  sooner  found  out  when  1 


SAMMY  BOY  161 

of  the  boys  hands  me  a  letter  that  just  come  and 
it  was  a  letter  from  this  baby  doll  that  I  told  you 
about  that's  in  Cologne  and  I  will  coppy  down 
the  letter  so  you  can  see  for  yourself  what  she  says 
and  here  it  is  Al: 

Dear  Sammy  Boy: 

I  was  tres  beaucoup  to  get  your  letter  and  will 
sure  be  glad  to  see  you  and  can  hardly  wait  till 
you  get  here.  Don't  let  them  send  you  anywhere 
else  as  Cologne  is  the  prettiest  town  in  France  and 
the  liveliest  and  we  will  sure  have  some  time  going 
to  shows  etc.  and  I  hope  you  bring  along  beaucoup 
francs.  Well  I  haven't  time  to  write  you  much  of 
a  letter  as  I  have  got  to  spend  the  afternoon  at  the 
dressmaker's.  You  see  I  am  getting  all  dolled  up 
for  my  Sammy  Boy.  But  be  sure  and  let  me  know 
when  you  are  going  to  get  here  and  when  you  reach 
Cologne  jump  right  in  a  Noir  et  Blanc  taxi  and 
come  up  to  the  house.  You  know  the  number  so 
come  along  Sammy  and  make  it  toot  sweet. 
Yours  with  tres  beaucoup, 

Marie. 

So  that's  her  letter  Al  and  it  looks  like  I  was 
going  to  be  in  right  in  old  O.  D.  Cologne  and  it 
sure  does  look  like  fate  was  takeing  a  hand  in  the 
game  when  things  breaks  this  way  and  when  I 
wrote  to  this  gal  the  fii*st  time  I  didn't  have  no 


152  THE  REAL  DOPE 

idear  of  ever  seeing  her  but  the  way  things  is  turn- 
ing out  it  almost  seems  like  we  was  meant  to  meet 
each  other.  Well  Al  I  only  hope  she  has  got  some 
sence  and  won't  get  to  likeing  me  to  well  or  of 
course  all  bets  is  off  but  if  we  can  just  be  good 
pals  and  go  around  to  shows  etc.  together  I  don't 
see  where  I  will  be  doing  anything  out  of  the  way. 
Only  as  I  say  don't  say  nothing  about  it  to  Bertha 
or  nobody  else  as  people  is  libel  to  not  understand 
and  I  guess  most  of  them  women  back  in  the  U.  S. 
thinks  that  when  a  man  has  been  up  at  the  front 
as  long  as  we  have  and  then  when  he  gets  a  few 
days  leave  he  ought  to  take  a  running  hop  step 
and  jump  to  the  nearest  phonograph  and  put  on 
a  Rodeheaver  record.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


In  ttie  Trenchs,  May  ^(9. 

TJfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  just  a  line  and  it  will 
-*  probably  be  the  last  time  I  will  write  you  from 
the  trenchs  for  a  wile  as  our  time  is  up  tomorrow 
night  and  the  next  time  I  write  you  it  will  probably 
be  from  Cologne  and  I  will  tell  you  what  kind  of  a 
time  they  show  us  there  and  all  about  it.  I  just 
got  through  writeing  a  note  to  the  little  gal  there 
telling  her  I  would  get  there  as  soon  as  possible 
but  I  couldn't  tell  her  when  that  would  be  as  I  don't 
know  how  far  it  is  or  how  we  get  there  but  Brady 


SAMIMY  BOY  163 

said  he  thought  it  was  about  180  miles  so  I  sup- 
pose they  will  make  us  walk. 

Well  talk  about  a  quite  section  and  they  hasn't 
even  been  a  gun  went  off  all  day  or  no  areoplanes 
or  nothing  and  here  we  thought  we  was  going  to 
see  a  whole  lot  of  excitement  and  we  haven't  fired 
a  shot  or  throwed  a  grenade  or  even  saw  a  German 
all  the  wile  we  was  here  and  we  are  just  like  when 
we  come  only  for  those  poor  birds  that  went  on 
that  wild  goose  chase  and  didn't  come  back  and 
they's  been  some  talk  about  sending  another  patrol 
over  to  get  revenge  for  those  poor  boys  but  I  guess 
they  won't  nothing  come  of  it.  It  would  be  like 
sending  good  money  after  bad  is  the  way  I  look 
at  it. 

Seve^'ai  of  the  boys  has  been  calling  me  Sammy 
Boy  today  and  I  signed  my  name  that  way  in  1 
of  the  notes  I  wrote  that  little  gal  and  I  suppose 
who  ever  censored  it  told  some  of  the  boys  about 
it  and  now  they  are  trying  to  kid  me.  Well  Al  I 
don't  see  where  a  censor  has  got  any  license  to  spill 
stuff  like  that  but  they's  no  harm  done  and  they 
can  laugh  at  me  all  they  want  to  wile  we  are  here 
as  I  will  be  the  1  that  does  the  laughing  when  we 
get  to  Cologne.  And  I  guess  a  whole  lot  of  them 
will  wish  they  was  this  same  Sammy  Boy  when  they 
see  me  paradeing  up  and  down  the  blvd.  with  the 
bell  of  the  ball.     O  you  sweet  Marie. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 


154.  THE  REAL  DOPE 

In  the  TrencJis,  May  22, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  its  all  ofF  and  we  are 
■^  here  yet  and  what  is  more  we  are  libel  to  be 
here  till  the  duration  of  the  war  if  we  don't  get 
killed  and  believe  me  I  would  welcome  death  rather 
then  stay  in  this  he — 11  hole  another  10  days  and 
from  now  on  I  am  going  to  take  all  the  chances 
they  is  to  take  and  the  sooner  they  finish  me  I  will 
be  glad  of  it  and  it  looks  like  it  might  come  tonight 
Al  as  I  have  volunteered  to  go  along  with  the  patrol 
that's  going  over  and  try  and  get  even  for  what 
they  done  to  our  pals. 

Well  old  pal  it  was  understood  when  we  come 
up  here  that  we  would  be  here  10  days  and  yes- 
terday was  the  10th.  day  we  was  here.  Well  I 
happened  to  say  something  yesterday  to  Sargent 
Crane  about  what  time  was  we  going  and  he  says 
where  to  and  I  said  I  thought  our  time  was  up  and 
we  was  going  to  get  releived.  So  he  says  "Who  is 
going  to  releive  us  and  what  and  the  he — 11  do  you 
want  to  be  releived  of.'"'  So  I  said  I  understood 
they  didn't  only  keep  a  regt.  in  the  front  line  10 
days  and  then  took  them  out  and  sent  them  to  a 
rest  billet  somewheres.  So  he  says  what  do  you 
call  this  but  a  rest  billet.?  So  then  I  asked  him 
how  long  we  had  to  stay  here  and  he  said  "Well 
it  may  be  a  day  or  it  may  be  all  summer.     But  if 


SAMMY  BOY  166 

we  get  ordered  out  in  a  hurry  it  won't  be  to  go 
to  no  rest  billet  but  it  will  be  to  go  up  to  where 
they  are  fighting  the  war." 

So  I  made  the  remark  that  I  wished  somebody 
had  of  tipped  me  off  as  I  had  fixed  up  a  kind  of 
a  date  thinking  we  would  be  through  here  in  10 
days.  So  he  asked  me  where  my  date  was  at  and 
I  said  Cologne.  So  then  he  kind  of  smiled  and  said 
"O  and  when  was  you  planing  to  start?"  So  I 
said  "I  was  figureing  on  starting  tonight."  So 
he  waited  a  minute  and  then  he  said  "Well  I  don't 
know  if  I  can  fix  it  for  you  tonight  or  tomorrow 
night,  but  they's  some  of  the  boys  going  to  start 
in  that  direction  one  of  them  times  and  I  guess 
you  can  go  along." 

Well  Al  I  suppose  Alcock  and  Brady  and  them 
has  been  playing  another  1  of  their  gags  on  me 
and  I  hope  they  enjoyed  it  and  as  far  as  I  am 
conserned  they's  no  harm  done.  Cologne  Al  is  way 
back  of  the  German  lines  and  when  Sargent  Crane 
said  they  was  some  of  the  boys  starting  in  that 
direction  he  meant  this  here  patrol.  So  I'm  in  on 
it  Al  and  they  didn't  go  last  night  but  tonight's 
the  big  night.  And  some  of  the  boys  is  calling  me 
Sammy  Boy  and  trying  to  make  a  monkey  out  of 
me  but  the  smart  Alex  that's  doing  it  isn't  none 
of  them  going  along  on  this  raid  and  that's  just 
what  a  man  would  expect  from  them.     Because 


156  THE  REAL  DOPE 

they's  a  few  of  us  Al  that  come  across  the  old  pud- 
dle to  fight  and  the  rest  of  them  thinks  they  are 
at  the  Young  Peoples  picnic.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


CHAPTER  VI 


SIMPLE  SIMON 


In  the  Trenchs,  May  ^9, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  we  have  been  haveing 
•^  a  lot  of  fun  with  a  bird  name  Jack  Simon 
only  the  boys  calls  him  Simple  Simon  and  if  you 
seen  him  you  wouldn't  ask  why  because  you  would 
know  why  as  soon  as  you  seen  him  without  asking 
why  as  he  keeps  his  mouth  open  all  the  wile  so  as 
he  will  be  ready  to  swallow  whatever  you  tell  him 
as  you  can  tell  him  anything  and  he  eats  it  up.  So 
the  boys  has  been  stuffing  him  full  of  storys  of 
all  kinds  and  he  eats  them  all  up  and  you  could 
tell  him  the  reason  they  had  the  bob  wire  out  in 
front  was  to  scratch  yourself  on  it  when  the  cuties 
was  useing  you  for  a  race  track  and  he  would  eat 
it  up. 

Well  when  we  come  in  here  and  took  over  this 
section  this  bird  was  sick  and  I  don't  know  what 
ailed  him  only  it  couldn't  of  been  brain  fever  but 
any  way  he  didn't  join  us  in  here  till  the  day  be- 
fore yesterday  but  ever  since  he  joined  us  the  boys 
has  been  stuffing  him  full  and  enjoying  themself 
at  his  expenses.    Well  the  1st.  thing  he  asked  me 

167 


158  THE  REAL  DOPE 

was  if  we  had  saw  any  actions  since  we  been  here 
and  I  told  him  about  a  raid  we  was  on  the  other 
night  before  he  come  and  we  layed  down  a  garagd 
and  then  snuck  over  to  the  German  trenchs  and 
jumped  into  them  trying  to  get  a  hold  of  some 
prisoners  but  we  couldn't  find  head  or  tale  of  no 
Germans  where  our  bunch  jumped  in  as  they  had 
ducked  and  hid  somewheres  when  they  found  out 
we  was  comeing.  So  he  says  he  wished  he  could 
of  been  along  as  he  might  of  picked  up  some  sou- 
venirs over  in  their  trenchs. 

That's  1  of  his  bugs  Al  is  getting  souvenirs 
as  he  is  1  of  these  here  souvenir  hounds  that  it 
don't  make  no  difFerents  to  him  who  wins  the  war 
as  long  as  he  can  get  a  ship  load  of  junk  to  carry 
it  back  home  and  show  it  off.  So  I  told  Johnny 
Alcock  and  some  of  the  other  boys  about  Simon 
wishing  he  could  of  got  some  souvenirs  so  they 
framed  up  on  him  and  begin  selling  him  junk  that 
they  told  him  they  had  picked  it  up  over  in  the 
German  trenchs  and  Alcock  blowed  some  cigarette 
smoke  in  a  bottle  and  corked  it  up  and  told  him 
it  was  German  tear  gas  and  Simon  give  him  8 
franks  for  it  and  Jack  Brady  showed  him  a  couple 
of  laths  tied  together  with  a  peace  of  wire  and  told 
him  it  was  a  part  of  the  areoplane  that  belonged 
to  Guy  Meyer  the  French  ace  that  brought  down 
so  many  Dutchmans  before  they  finely  got  him  and 
Brady  said  he  hated  to  part  with  it  as  he  had  took 


SIMPLE  SI3\I0N  IBS 

it  off  a  Gremian  prisoner  that  he  brought  in  but 
if  Simon  thought  it  was  worth  20  franks  he  could 
have  it.  So  Simon  bought  it  of  him  and  wanted 
to  know  all  about  how  Brady  come  to  get  the  pris- 
oner and  of  course  Brady  had  to  make  it  up  as 
we  haven't  saw  a  German  let  alone  take  them  a 
prisoner  since  we  was  back  in  the  training  arears 
and  wouldn't  know  they  was  any  only  for  their  ar- 
tillery and  throwing  up  rockets  at  night  and  snip- 
ping at  a  man  every  time  you  go  out  on  a  wire 
party  or  something. 

But  any  way  Simon  eats  it  up  whatever  you  pull 
on  him  and  some  times  I  feel  sorry  for  him  and 
feel  like  tipping  him  off  but  the  boys  fun  would 
be  spoiled  and  believe  me  they  need  some  kind  of 
spoi-t  up  here  or  pretty  soon  we  would  all  be  worse 
off  then  Simon  and  we  would  be  running  around 
fomenting  at  the  mouth. 

Well  Al  I  wished  you  would  write  once  in  a  wile 
if  its  only  a  line  as  a  man  likes  to  get  mail  once 
in  a  wile  and  I  haven't  heard  from  Florrie  for 
pretty  near  a  month  and  then  all  as  she  said  was 
that  the  reason  she  hadn't  wrote  was  because  she 
wasn't  feeling  the  best  and  I  suppose  she  got  some- 
thing in  her  eye  but  anything  for  an  excuse  to  not 
write  and  you  would  think  I  had  stepped  outdoors 
to  wash  the  windows  instead  of  being  away  from 
her  since  last  December.  Your  pal, 

Jacs. 


160  THE  REAL  DOPE 

In  the  Trenchs,  June  Ip. 

FRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  nothing  doing  as  usual 
only  patching  things  up  once  in  a  wile  and 
it  would  be  as  safe  here  as  picking  your  teeth  if 
our  artillery  had  a  few  brains  as  the  Germans 
wouldn't  never  pay  no  tension  to  us  if  our  batterys 
would  lay  off  them  but  we  don't  no  sooner  get  a 
quite  spell  when  our  guns  cuts  loose  and  remind 
Fritz  that  they's  a  war  and  then  of  course  the 
Dutchmens  has  got  to  pay  for  their  board  some 
way  and  they  raise  he — 11  for  a  wile  and  make  ev- 
erybody cross  but  as  far  as  I  can  see  they  don't  no- 
body never  get  killed  on  1  side  or  the  other  side 
but  of  course  the  shells  mess  things  up  and  keeps 
the  boys  busy  makeing  repairs  where  if  our  artil- 
lery would  keep  their  mouth  shut  why  so  would 
theirs  and  the  boys  wouldn't  never  half  to  leave 
their  dice  game  only  for  chow. 

But  from  all  as  we  hear  I  guess  they's  no  dice 
game  going  on  up  on  some  of  the  other  sections 
but  they's  another  kind  of  a  game  going  on  up 
there  and  so  far  the  Dutchmens  has  got  all  the 
best  of  it  but  some  of  the  boys  says  wait  till  the 
Allys  gets  ready  to  strike  back  and  they  will  make 
them  look  like  a  sucker  and  the  best  way  to  do  is 
wait  till  the  other  side  has  wore  themself  out  be- 
fore you  go  back  at  them.  Well  I  told  them  I 
have  had  a  lot  of  experience  in  big  league  baseball 


SIMPLE  SIMON  161 

where  they's  stragetj  the  same  like  in  war  but  I 
never  heard  none  of  the  big  league  managers  tell 
their  boys  to  not  try  and  score  till  the  other  side 
had  all  the  runs  they  was  going  to  get  and  further 
and  more  it  looked  to  me  like  when  the  Germans 
did  get  wore  out  they  could  rest  up  again  in  the 
best  hotel  in  Paris.  So  Johnny  Alcock  says  oh 
they  won't  never  get  inside  of  Paris  because  the 
military  police  will  stop  them  at  the  city  limits  and 
ask  them  for  their  pass  and  then  where  would  they 
be?  So  I  says  tell  that  to  Simple  Simon  and  he 
shut  up. 

Speaking  about  Simple  Simon  what  do  you  think 
they  have  got  him  believeing  now.  Well  they 
told  him  Capt.  Seeley  had  sent  a  patrol  over  the 
other  night  to  find  out  what  ailed  the  Germans 
that  they  never  showed  themself  or  started  noth- 
ing against  us  and  the  patrol  found  out  that  Van 
Hindenburg  had  took  all  the  men  out  of  the  sec- 
tion opp.  us  and  sent  them  up  to  the  war  and  left 
the  trenchs  opp.  us  empty  so  Simon  asked  him  why 
we  didn't  go  over  there  and  take  them  then  and 
they  told  him  because  our  trenchs  was  warmer  on 
acct.  of  being  farther  south.  I  suppose  they  will 
be  telling  him  the  next  thing  that  Capt.  Seeley 
and  Ludendorf  married  sisters  and  the  2  of  them 
has  agreed  to  lay  off  each  other. 

Well  Al  I  am  glad  they  have  got  somebody  else 
to  pick  on  besides  me  and  of  course  they  can  have 


^ 


IftI  THE  REAL  DOPE 

a  lot  more  fun  with  Simon  as  they's  nothing  to 
raw  that  he  won't  eat  it  up  wile  in  my  case  I  was 
to  smai-t  for  them  and  just  pretended  like  I  fell 
for  their  gags  as  they  would  of  been  disappointed 
if  I  hadn't  of  and  as  I  say  somebody  has  got  to 
furnish  amusement  in  a  he — 11  hole  like  this  or  we 
would  all  be  squirrel  meat.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


In  the  TrencTiSy  June  7, 

TjlRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  here  is  a  hot  1  that 
•^  they  pulled  on  this  Simon  bird  today  and  it 
was  all  as  I  could  do  to  help  from  busting  out 
laughing  while  they  was  telling  it  to  him. 

Well  it  seems  like  he  must  of  been  thinking  that 
over  what  they  told  him  about  they  not  being  no 
Germans  in  the  trenchs  over  opp.  to  where  we  are 
at  and  it  finely  downed  on  him  that  if  they  wasn't 
nobody  over  there  why  who  was  throwing  up  them 
flares  and  rockets  every  night.  So  today  he  said 
to  Brady  he  says  "Didn't  you  birds  tell  me  them 
trenchs  over  across  the  way  was  empty  ?"  So  Brady 
says  yes  what  of  it.  So  Simon  says  "Well  I  no- 
tice they's  somebody  over  there  at  night  times  or 
else  who  throws  up  them  flares  as  they  don't  throw 
themselfs  up."  So  Brady  says  they  had  probably 
left  a  flare  thrower  over  there  to  do  that  for  them. 
But  Simon  says  they  must  of  left  a  lot  of  flare 


SIMPLE  SIMON  163 

throwers  because  the  flares  come  from  different 
places  along  the  line. 

So  then  Alcock  cut  in  and  sa^'s  "Yes  but  3^ou 
will  notice  they  don't  come  from  different  places 
at  once  and  the  bird  that  throws  them  gos  from  1 
place  to  another  so  as  we  will  think  the  trenchs 
is  full  of  Germans."  So  Simon  says  "They 
couldn't  nobody  go  from  1  place  to  another  place 
as  fast  as  them  flares  shoots  up  from  different 
places."  So  Alcock  says  "No  they  couldn't  no- 
body do  it  if  they  walked  but  the  man  that  throws 
them  flares  don't  walk  because  he  hasn't  got  only 
1  leg  as  his  other  leg  was  shot  off  early  in  the  war. 
But  Van  Hindenburg  is  so  hard  up  for  men  that 
even  if  you  get  a  leg  shot  off  as  soon  as  the  Dr. 
mops  up  the  mess  and  sticks  on  the  court  plaster 
they  send  the  bird  back  in  the  war  and  put  him 
on  a  job  where  you  don't  half  to  walk.  So  they 
stuck  this  old  guy  in  the  motorcycle  dept.  and  now 
all  as  he  does  is  ride  up  and  down  some  quite  sec- 
tion like  this  here  all  night  and  stop  every  so  often 
and  throw  up  a  flare  to  make  us  think  the  place  is 
dirty  with  Germans." 

Well  Al  Simon  thought  it  over  a  wile  and  then 
asked  Alcock  how  a  man  could  ride  a  motorcycle 
with  only  1  leg  and  Alcock  says  "Why  not  because 
you  don't  half  to  peddle  a  motorcycle  as  they  run 
themself."  So  Simon  says  yes  but  how  about  it 
when  you  want  to  get  off?    So  Alcock  says  "What 


164s  THE  REAL  DOPE 

has  a  man's  legs  got  to  do  with  him  getting  off  of 
a  motorcycle  as  long  as  jou  have  got  your  head 
to  light  on?" 

That  is  what  they  handed  him  Al  and  they  hadn't 
hardly  no  sooner  then  got  through  with  that  dose 
when  Brady  begun  on  the  souvenirs.  First  he 
asked  him  if  he  had  got  a  hold  of  any  new  ones 
lately  and  Simon  says  no  he  hadn't  seen  nobody 
that  had  any  for  sale  and  besides  his  jack  was 
low  so  Brady  asked  him  how  much  did  he  have 
and  he  says  about  4  franks.  So  Brady  says  "Well 
you  can't  expect  anybody  to  come  across  with  any- 
thing first  class  for  no  such  chicken's  food  as  that." 
So  Simon  says  well  even  if  he  had  a  pocket  full  of 
jack  he  couldn't  buy  nothing  with  it  when  they 
wasn't  nothing  to  buy.  Then  Brady  asked  him  if 
he  had  saw  the  German  speegle  Ted  Phillips  had 
picked  up  and  Simon  saj^s  no  so  Brady  went  and 
got  Phillips  and  after  a  wile  he  come  back  with 
him  and  Phillips  said  he  had  the  speegle  in  his 
pocket  and  he  would  show  it  to  us  if  we  promised 
to  be  carefull  and  not  jar  it  out  of  his  hands  wile 
he  was  showing  it  as  he  wouldn't  have  it  broke  for 
the  world.  So  Simon  stood  there  with  his  eyes 
popping  out  and  Phillips  pulled  the  speegle  out 
of  his  pocket  and  it  wasn't  nothing  only  a  dirty 
little  looking  glass  that  you  could  pretty  near 
crall  through  the  cracks  in  it  and  all  the  boys  re- 
marked what  a  odd  little  speegle  it  was  and  they; 


SIMPLE  SIMON  ^  165 

hadn't  never  saw  1  like  It  before  and  etc.  and  finely 
Simon  couldn't  keep  his  clam  shut  no  longer  so 
he  asked  Phillips  how  much  he  would  take  for  it. 
Well  Phillips  says  it  wasn't  for  sale  as  speegles 
was  scarce  in  Germany  on  acct.  of  the  war  and  that 
was  why  the  Dutchmens  always  looked  like  a  bum 
when  you  took  them  a  prisoner.  So  Simon  asked 
him  what  price  he  would  set  on  it  suppose  he  would 
sell  it  and  Phillips  says  about  8  franks.  Well  Si- 
mon got  out  all  his  jack  and  they  wasn't  only  4* 
franks  and  he  showed  it  to  Phillips  and  said  if 
he  would  take  10  franks  for  the  speegle  he  would 
give  him  4  franks  down  and  the  other  6  franks 
when  he  got  hold  of  some  jack  so  Phillips  hummed 
and  hawed  a  wile  and  finely  said  all  right  Simon 
could  have  it  but  he  wouldn't  never  sell  it  to  him 
only  that  it  kept  worring  him  so  much  to  carry 
it  in  his  pocket  for  the  fear  he  would  loose  it  or 
break  it. 

Well  Al  Phillips  has  got  Simon's  last  4  franks 
and  Simon  has  got  Phillips's  speegle  and  I  sup- 
pose now  that  the  boys  sees  how  soft  it  is  they  will 
be  selling  him  stuff  on  credit  and  he  will  owe  them 
his  next  months  pay  before  they  get  through  with 
him  and  I  suppose  the  next  thing  you  know  they 
will  keep  their  beard  when  they  shave  and  sell  it 
to  him  for  German  tobacco.  Well  I  would  half 
to  be  pretty  hard  up  before  I  went  in  on  some  skin 
game  like  that  and  I  would  just  as  leave  go  up 


Ue  THE  REAL  DOPE 

to  1  of  them  cripples  that  use  to  spraddle  all  over 
the  walk  along  35  st.  after  the  ball  game  and  stick 
my  heel  in  their  eye  and  romp  off  with  their  days 
receipts.  Your  pal.  Jack. 

In  the  Trenchs,  June  11. 

TniRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  it  seems  like  Capt. 
•^  Seeley  is  up  on  his  ear  because  they  haven't 
took  our  regt.  out  of  here  yet  because  it  seems  Gen, 
Pershing  told  Gen.  Foch  that  he  was  to  help  him- 
self to  any  part  of  the  U.  S.  army  and  throw  them 
in  where  ever  they  was  needed  and  they's  been  a 
bunch  of  the  boys  throwed  in  along  the  other  parts 
of  the  front  to  try  and  stop  the  Germans  and  Capt. 
Seeley  is  raveing  because  they  keep  us  here  and 
don't  take  us  where  we  can  get  some  actions.  Any 
way  1  of  the  lieuts.  told  some  of  the  boys  that  if 
we  didn't  get  took  out  of  here  pretty  quick  Capt. 
Seeley  would  start  a  war  of  our  own  on  this  section 
and  all  the  officers  was  sore  because  we  hadn't  done 
nothing  or  took  no  prisoners  or  nothing  you  might 
say  only  make  repairs  in  the  wire  and  etc.  Well 
Al  how  in  the  he — 11  can  we  show  them  anything 
when  they  don't  never  send  us  over  the  top  or  no- 
wheres  else  but  just  leave  us  here  moldering  you 
might  say  but  at  that  I  guess  we  have  showed  as 
much  life  as  the  birds  that's  over  there  opp.  us 


Si:\IPLE  SIMON  16T 

in  them  other  trenchs  that  hasn't  hardly  peeped 
since  we  come  in  here  and  the  boys  says  they  are 
a  Saxon  regt.  that  comes  from  part  of  Germany 
where  the  Kaiser  is  thought  of  the  same  as  a  gum 
boil  so  the  Saxons  feels  kind  of  friendly  towards 
us  and  they  will  leave  us  alone  as  long  as  we  leave 
them  alone  and  visa  and  versa.  So  I  don't  see  where 
Capt.  Seeley  and  them  other  officers  has  got  a  right 
to  pan  us  for  not  showing  nothing  but  I  don't 
blame  them  for  wishing  they  would  take  us  out  of 
here  and  show  us  the  war  and  from  all  as  we  hear 
they's  plenty  of  places  where  we  could  do  some  good 
or  at  lease  as  much  good  as  the  birds  that  has  been 
there. 

Well  Al  they  have  been  stringing  poor  Simon 
along  and  today  they  give  him  a  song  and  dance 
about  some  bird  name  Joe  in  the  regt.  that  was 
here  ahead  of  us  that  got  a  collection  of  souvenirs 
that  makes  Simon's  look  rotten  and  they  said  the 
guy's  pals  called  him  Souvenir  Joe  on  acct.  of  him 
haveing  such  a  fine  collection.  So  Brady  says  to 
Simon  "All  you  have  got  is  5  or  6  articles  and  the 
next  thing  you  know  they  will  be  takeing  us  out 
of  here  and  you  might  maybe  never  get  another 
chance  to  pick  up  any  more  rare  articles  so  if  I 
was  you  I  would  either  get  busy  and  get  a  real  col- 
lection or  throw  away  them  things  you  have  got 
and  forget  it." 


168  THE  REAL  DOPE 

So  Simon  says  "How  can  I  get  any  more  sou- 
venirs when  I  haven't  no  more  jack  to  buy  them 
and  besides  you  birds  haven't  no  more  to  sell."  So 
Brady  says  "Souvenir  Joe  didn't  buy  his  collection 
but  he  went  out  and  got  them."  So  Simon  asked 
him  where  at  and  Brady  told  him  this  here  Joe 
use  to  crall  out  in  Nobody's  Land  every  night  and 
pick  up  something  and  Simon  says  it  was  a  wonder 
he  didn't  get  killed.  So  Brady  says  "How  would 
he  get  killed  as  the  trenchs  over  across  the  way 
was  just  as  empty  when  he  was  here  as  they  are 
now  and  Old  1  Legged  Mike  and  his  motorcycle 
was  on  the  job  then  to,  so  Joe  would  wait  till  Mike 
had  throwed  a  few  flares  on  this  section  and  then 
he  would  sneak  out  and  get  his  souvenirs  before 
Mike  come  back  again  on  his  rounds." 

Well  then  Simon  asked  him  where  the  souvenirs 
was  out  there  and  Brady  says  they  was  in  the  dif- 
ferent shell  holes  because  most  of  Joe's  souvenirs 
was  the  insides  of  German  shells  that  had  exploded 
and  they  was  the  best  kind  of  souvenirs  as  they 
wasn't  no  chance  of  them  being  a  fake. 

Well  Al  I  had  a  notion  to  take  Simon  to  1  side 
and  tell  him  to  not  pay  no  tension  to  these  smart 
alex  because  the  poor  crum  might  go  snooping  out 
there  some  night  after  the  insides  of  a  shell  and 
get  the  outsides  and  all  and  if  something  like  that 
happened  to  him  I  would  feel  like  a  murder  though 
I  haven't  never  took  no  part  in  raakeing  a  monkey 


SIMPLE  SIMON  169 

out  of  hira,  but  I  thought  well  if  the  poor  cheese 
don't  know  no  more  then  that  he  is  better  off  dead 
so  let  him  go.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


In  the  Trenchs,  June  IS, 

TTfRIEND  AL:  Just  a  hne  Al  as  I  am  to  ex- 
•^  cited  to  write  much  but  I  knew  you  would 
want  to  know  the  big  news.  Well  Al  I  have  got 
a  daughter  bom  the  18  of  May.  How  is  that  for 
a  supprise  Al  but  I  guess  you  won't  be  no  more 
supprised  than  I  was  when  the  news  come  as  Flor- 
rie  hadn't  gave  me  no  hint  and  a  man  can't  guess 
a,  thing  like  that  when  you  are  in  France  and  the 
lady  in  question  is  back  in  old  Chi.  But  it  sure 
is  wonderfull  news  Al  and  I  only  wished  I  was 
somewheres  where  I  could  celebrate  it  right  but 
you  can't  even  whistle  here  or  somebody  would 
crown  you  with  a  shovle. 

Well  Al  the  news  come  today  in  a  letter  from 
Florrie's  sister  Marie  Allen  and  she  has  been  down 
in  Texas  but  I  suppose  Florrie  got  her  to  come 
up  and  stay  with  her  though  as  far  as  I  can  see 
its  bad  enough  to  have  a  baby  without  haveing 
that  bird  in  the  house  to,  but  they's  1  consolation 
we  haven't  got  rm.  in  the  apt.  for  more  than  2 
kids  and  3  grown  ups  so  when  I  get  home  if  sweet 
Marie  is  still  there  yet  we  will  either  half  to  get 


170  THE  REAL  DOPE 

rid  of  tlie  Swede  cook  or  she,  and  when  it  comes 
to  a  choice  between  a  ski  jumper  that  will  work  and 
a  sister  that  won't  why  Florrie  won't  be  bothered 
with  no  family  ties. 

Any  way  I  haven't  no  time  to  worry  about  no 
Allen  family  now  as  I  am  feeling  to  good  and  all 
as  I  wish  is  that  somebody  wins  this  war  dam  toot 
sweet  so  as  I  can  get  home  and  see  this  little  chick 
Al  and  I  bet  she  is  as  pretty  as  a  picture  and  she 
couldn't  be  nothing  else  you  might  say  and  I  have 
wrote  to  Florrie  to  not  name  her  or  nothing  till  I 
have  my  say  as  you  turn  a  woman  loose  on  nameing 
somebody  all  alone  and  they  go  nuts  and  look 
through  a  seed  catalog. 

Well  old  pal  I  know  you  would  congratulate  me 
if  you  was  here  and  I  am  only  sorry  I  can't  return 
the  complement  and  if  I  was  you  and  Bertha  I 
would  adopt  1  of  these  here  Belgium  orphans  that's 
lost  their  parents  as  they's  nothing  like  it  Al  have- 
ing  a  kid  or  2  in  the  house  and  I  bet  little  Al  is 
tickled  to  death  with  his  little  sister. 

Well  Al  I  have  told  all  the  boys  about  it  and 
they  have  been  haveing  a  lot  of  fun  with  me  but 
any  way  they  call  me  Papa  now  which  is  a  he — 11 
of  a  lot  better  then  Sammy  Boy.        Your  pal, 

Jack. 


SIMPLE  SIMON  171 

In  the  Trerichs,  June  H, 

fjyRIEND  AL:  I  am  all  most  to  nervous  to 
-^  write  Al  but^  anything  is  better  then  setting^ 
around  thinking-  and  besides  I  want  you  to  know 
what  has  came  off  so  as  you  will  know  what  come 
off  in  the  case  something  happens. 

Well  Al  Simple  Simon's  gone.  We  don't  know 
if  he's  dead  or  alive  or  what  the  he — 11  and  all  as 
we  know  is  that  he  was  here  last  night  and  he  ain't 
here  today  and  they  hasn't  nobody  seen  or  heard 
of  him. 

Of  course  Al  that  isn't  all  we  know  neither  as 
we  can  just  about  guess  what  happened.  But  I 
have  gave  my  word  to  not  spill  nothing  about  what 
the  boys  pulled  on  him  or  god  knows  what  Capt. 
Seeley  would  do  to  them. 

Well  Al  I  got  up  this  a.  m.  feeling  fine  as  I 
had  slept  better  then  any  time  for  a  wk.  and  I 
dreamt  about  the  little  gal  back  home  that  ain't 
never  seen  her  daddy  or  don't  know  if  she's  got  1 
or  not  but  in  my  dream  she  knowed  me  O.  K.  as 
I  dreamt  I  had  just  got  home  and  Florrie  wasn't 
there  to  meet  me  as  usual  but  I  rung  the  bell  and 
the  ski  jumper  let  me  in  and  I  asked  her  where 
Florrie  was  and  she  said  she  had  went  out  some- 
wheres  with  little  Al  so  I  was  going  out  and  look 
for  them  but  the  Swede  says  the  baby  is  here  if 


in  THE  REAL  DOPE 

you  want  to  see  her  and  I  asked  her  what  baby 
and  she  says  why  your  new  httle  baby  girl. 

So  then  I  heard  a  baby  crying  somewheres  in 
the  house  and  I  went  in  the  bed  rm.  and  this  Httle 
mite  jumped  right  up  out  of  bed  and  all  of  a  sud- 
den she  was  3  yrs.  old  instead  of  a  mo.  and  she 
come  running  to  me  and  hollered  daddy.  So  then 
I  grabbed  her  up  and  we  begin  danceing  around 
but  all  of  a  sudden  it  was  I  and  Florrie  that  was 
danceing  together  and  little  Al  and  the  little  gal 
was  danceing  around  us  and  then  I  woke  up  Al 
and  found  I  was  still  in  this  he — 11  hole  but  the 
dream  was  so  happy  that  I  was  still  feeling  good 
over  it  yet  and  besides  it  looked  like  the  sun  had 
forgot  it  was  in  France  and  was  going  to  shine 
for  a  while. 

Well  pretty  soon  along  come  Corp.  Evans  and 
called  me  to  1  side  and  asked  me  what  I  knew  about 
Simon.  So  I  says  what  about  him.  So  Corp.  Ev- 
ans says  he  is  missing  and  they  hasn't  nobody  saw 
him  since  last  night.  So  I  says  I  didn't  know 
nothing  about  him  but  if  anything  had  happened 
to  him  they  was  a  lot  of  birds  in  this  Co.  that  ought 
to  pay  for  it.  So  Corp.  Evans  asked  me  what  was 
I  driveing  at  and  I  started  in  to  tell  him  about 
Alcock  and  Brady  and  them  kidding  this  poor  bird 
to  death  and  Corp.  Evans  says  yes  he  knew  all 
about  that  and  the  best  thing  to  do  was  to  shut 
up  about  it  as  it  would  get  everybody  in  bad.    He 


SIMPLE  SIMON  173 

says  "Wait  a  couple  days  any  way  and  maybe  he 
will  show  up  O.  K.  and  then  they  won't  be  no  sence 
in  spilling  all  this  stuff."  So  I  says  all  right  I 
would  wait  a  couple  days  but  these  birds  ought  to 
get  theirs  if  something  serious  has  happened  and 
if  he  don't  show  up  by  that  time  I  won't  make  no 
promise  to  spill  all  I  know.     So  Corp.  Evans  says 

1  didn't  half  to  make  no  promise  as  he  would  spill 
the  beans  himself  if  Simon  isn't  O.  K. 

Well  Al  of  course  all  the  boys  had  heard  the 
news  by  the  time  I  got  to  talk  to  them  and  they's 

2  or  3  of  them  that  feels  pretty  sick  over  it  and  no 
wonder  and  the  bird  that  feels  the  sickest  is  Alcock 
and  here  is  why.  Well  it  seems  like  yesterday  while 
I  was  telling  all  the  boys  about  the  news  from  home 
Simon  was  giveing  Alcock  a  ear  full  of  that  junk 
Brady  had  been  slipping  him  about  Souvenir  Joe 
and  Simon  asked  Alcock  if  he  thought  they  was 
still  any  of  them  souvenirs  worth  going  after  out 
in  them  shell  holes.  So  Alcock  says  of  course  they 
must  be  as  some  of  the  holes  was  made  new  since 
we  been  here.  But  Alcock  told  him  that  if  he  was 
him  he  wouldn't  waist  no  time  collecting  the  insides 
of  German  shells  as  the  Germans  was  so  hard  up 
for  mettle  and  etc.  now  days  that  the  shells  they 
was  sending  over  was  about  %  full  of  cheese  and 
stuff  that  wouldn't  keep.  So  Alcock  says  to  him 
"What  you  ought  to  go  after  is  a  Saxon  because 
you  can  bet  that  Souvenir  Joe  didn't  get  none  and 


114i  THE  REAL  DOPE 

if  you  would  get  1  all  the  boys  would  begin  calling 
you  Souvenir  Simon  instead  of  Simple  Simon  and 
you  would  make  Souvenir  Joe  look  like  a  dud." 

Well  Al  Simon  didn't  know  a  Saxon  from  a 
hang  nail  so  he  asked  Alcock  what  they  looked  like 
and  Alcock  told  him  to  never  mind  as  he  couldn't 
help  from  knowing  1  if  he  ever  seen  it  so  then 
Simon  asked  him  where  they  was  libel  to  be  and 
Alcock  told  him  probably  over  in  some  of  the  shell 
holes  near  the  German  trench. 

That's  what  come  off  yesterday  wile  I  was  busy 
telling  everybody  about  the  little  gal  as  you  can 
bet  I  would  of  put  Simon  wise  had  I  of  been  in  on 
it  and  now  Al  he's  gone  and  they  don't  nobody 
know  what's  became  of  him  but  they's  a  lot  of  us 
that's  got  a  pretty  good  idear  and  as  I  say  they's 
2  or  3  feels  pretty  sick  and  one  a  specially.  But 
I  guess  at  that  they  don't  no  one  feel  no  worse  then 
me  though  they  can't  nobody  say  I  am  to  blame 
for  what's  happened  but  still  in  all  I  might  of  in- 
terfered because  I  am  the  only  1  of  them  that  has 
got  a  heart  Al  and  the  only  reason  Alcock  and 
Brady  is  so  sick  now  is  that  they  are  scared  to  death 
of  what  will  happen  to  them  if  they  get  found  out. 
Because  their  smartness  won't  get  them  nothing  up 
In  front  of  the  Court  Marshall  as  he  has  seen  to 
many  birds  just  like  them. 

Well  Al  I  am  on  post  duty  tonight  and  maybe 
you  don't  know  what  that  means.     Well  old  pal 


SIMPLE  SIMON  175 

its  no  Elks  carnivle  at  no  time  and  just  think  what 
it  will  be  tonight  with  your  ears  straining  for  a 
cry  from  out  there.  And  if  the  cry  comes  Al  they 
won't  only  be  the  1  thing  to  do  and  I  will  be  the  1 
to  do  it. 

So  this  may  be  the  last  time  you  will  hear  from 
me  old  pal  and  I  wanted  you  to  know  in  the  case 
anything  come  off  just  how  it  happened  as  I  won't 
be  here  to  write  it  to  you  aftenvards. 

All  as  I  can  think  about  now  Al  is  2  things  and 
1  of  them  is  that  little  gal  back  home  that  won't 
never  see  her  daddy  but  maybe  when  she  gets  4 
or  5  yrs.  old  she  will  ask  her  mother  "Why  haven't 
I  got  a  daddy  like  other  little  girls?"  But  majhe 
she  will  have  1  by  that  time  Al.  But  what  I  am 
thinking  about  the  most  is  that  poor  l/o  ^^'i^  out 
there  and  as  Brady  says  he  isn't  nothing  but  a 
Mormon  any  way  and  ought  never  to  of  got  in 
the  army  but  still  and  all  he  is  a  man  and  its  our 
duty  to  fight  and  die  for  him  if  needs  to  be. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 

In  the  Hospital,  July  W, 

TTfRIENB  AL:  You  will  half  to  excuse  this 
-^  writeing  as  I  am  proped  up  in  a  funny  po- 
sition in  bed  and  its  all  as  I  can  do  to  keep  the 
paper  steady  as  my  left  arm  ain't  no  more  use  then 
the  Russian  front. 


176  THE  REAL  DOPE 

Well  Al  yesterday  was  the  1st.  time  they  left 
me  set  up  and  I  wrote  a  letter  to  Florrie  and  told 
her  I  was  getting  along  O.  K.  as  I  didn't  want  she 
should  worry  and  this  time  I  will  try  and  write  to 
you.  I  suppose  you  got  the  note  that  the  little 
nurse  wrote  for  me  about  2  wks.  ago  and  told  you 
I  was  getting  better.  Well  old  pal  the  gal  that 
wrote  you  that  little  note  is  some  baby  and  if  you 
could  see  the  kid  that  wrote  you  that  little  note  you 
would  wished  you  was  laying  here  in  my  place.  No 
I  guess  you  wouldn't  wished  that  Al  as  they's 
nobody  that  would  want  to  go  through  what  I  have 
been  through  and  they's  very  few  that  could  stand 
it  like  I  have  and  keep  on  smileing. 

Well  old  pal  they  thought  for  a  wile  that  it  was 
Feeney  for  yrs.  truly  as  they  say  over  here  and 
believe  me  I  was  in  such  pain  that  I  would  of  been 
glad  to  die  to  get  rid  of  the  pain  and  the  Dr.  said 
it  was  a  good  thing  I  was  such  a  game  bird  and 
had  such  a  physic  or  I  couldn't  of  never  stood  it. 
But  I  am  not  strong  enough  yet  to  set  this  way 
very  long  so  if  I  am  going  to  tell  you  what  hap- 
pened I  had  better  start  in. 

Well  Al  this  is  the  20  of  July  and  that  means 
I  have  been  in  here  5  wks.  as  it  was  the  14  of  June 
when  all  this  come  off.  Well  Al  I  can  remember 
writeing  to  you  the  day  of  the  night  it  come  off 
and  I  guess  I  told  you  about  this  bird  Simon  get- 
ting lost  that  was  always  after  the  souvenirs  and 


SIMPLE  SIMON  177 

some  of  the  boys  told  him  they  wasn't  no  Germans 
over  in  the  other  trenchs  but  just  a  bird  name 
Motorcycle  Mike  that  went  up  and  down  the  sec- 
tion throwing  flares  so  as  we  would  think  they 
was  Germans  over  there.  So  they  told  him  if  he 
wanted  to  go  out  in  Nobody's  Land  and  spear  sou- 
venirs it  was  safe  if  you  went  just  after  Mike  had 
made  his  rounds  so  as  the  snippers  wouldn't  get 
you. 

Well  old  pal  I  was  standing  there  looking  out 
over  Nobody's  Land  that  night  and  I  couldn't 
think  of  nothing  only  poor  Simon  and  listening  to 
hear  if  I  couldn't  maybe  hear  him  call  from  some- 
wheres  out  there  and  I  don't  know  how  long  I  had 
been  standing  there  when  I  heard  a  kind  of  a  noise 
like  somebody  scrunching  and  at  the  same  time  they 
was  a  flare  throwed  up  from  our  side  and  I  seen  a 
figure  out  there  cralling  on  the  ground  quite  a  ways 
beyond  our  wire.  Well  Al  I  didn't  wait  to  look 
twice  but  I  called  Corp.  Evans  and  told  him.  So 
he  says  who  did  I  think  it  was  and  I  said  it  must 
be  Simon.  So  he  says  "Well  Keefe  its  up  to  1  of 
us  to  go  get  him."  So  I  said  "Well  Corp.  I  guess 
its  my  job."  So  he  says  "All  right  Keefe  if  you 
feel  that  way  about  it."  So  I  says  all  right  and 
I'll  say  Al  that  he  give  up  his  claims  without  a 
struggle. 

Well  I  started  and  I  was  going  without  my  riffle 
but  the  Corp.  stopped  me  and  says  take  it  along 


178  THE  REAL  DOPE 

and  I  says  "What  for,  do  you  think  I  am  going 
to  pick  Simon  up  with  a  bayonet."  So  he  says  who 
told  me  it  was  Simon  out  there.  Well  Al  that's 
the  1st.  time  I  stopped  to  think  it  might  maybe 
be  somebody  else. 

Well  Florrie  use  to  say  that  I  couldn't  get  up 
in  the  night  for  a  drink  of  water  without  every- 
body in  the  bldg.  thinking  the  world  serious  must 
of  started  but  I  bet  I  didn't  knock  over  no  chairs 
on  this  trip.  Well  Al  it  took  me  long  enough  to 
get  out  there  as  you  can  bet  I  wasn't  trying  for 
no  record  and  every  time  they  was  a  noise  I  had 
to  lay  flat  and  not  huge.  But  I  got  there  Al  to 
where  I  thought  I  had  saw  this  bird  moveing  around 
but  they  hadn't  no  rockets  went  up  since  I  started 
and  it  was  like  a  troop  ship  and  I  couldn't  make 
out  no  figure  of  a  man  or  nothing  else  and  I  was 
just  going  to  whisper  Simon's  name  when  I  reached 
out  my  hand  and  touched  him.  Well  Al  it  wasn't 
Simon. 

Well  old  pal  we  had  some  battle  this  bird  and 
me  and  the  both  of  us  forgot  bayonets  and  guns 
and  everything  else.  I  would  of  killed  him  sure 
only  he  got  a  hold  of  my  left  hand  between  his 
teeth  and  I  couldn't  pry  it  loose.  But  believe  me 
Al  he  took  a  awful  beating  with  my  free  hand  and 
I  will  half  to  hand  it  to  him  for  a  game  bird  only 
what  chance  did  he  have?  None  Al  and  the  battle 
couldn't  only  end  the  1  way  and  I  was  just  getting 


SIMPLE  SIMON  179 

ready  to  grab  his  wind  pipe  and  shut  off  the  meter 
when  he  left  go  of  my  other  hand  and  let  out  a 
yell  that  you  could  hear  all  over  the  great  lakes 
and  then  all  of  a  sudden  it  seemed  like  ever^^body 
was  takeing  a  flash  light  and  then  the  bullets  come 
whizzing  from  all  sides  it  seemed  like  and  they 
got  me  3  times  Al  and  never  pinked  this  other  bird 
once.  Well  Al  it  wasn't  till  2  wks.  ago  that  I 
found  out  that  my  opponent  was  Johnny  Alcock. 

Just  2  wks.  ago  yesterday  Johnny  come  in  and 
seen  me  and  told  me  the  whole  story  and  it  was 
the  1st.  day  they  left  me  see  anybody  only  the  Dr. 
and  the  little  nurse  and  was  the  1st.  day  Johnny 
was  able  to  be  up  and  around.  How  is  that  Al 
to  put  a  man  in  the  hospital  for  3  wks.  without 
useing  no  gun  or  knife  or  nothing  on  him  only  1 
bear  fist.     Some  fist  eh  Al. 

Well  it  seems  like  he  had  been  worring  so  about 
Simon  that  he  finely  went  out  there  snooping 
around  all  by  himself  looking  for  him  and  he  was 
the  1  I  seen  when  that  flare  went  up  and  of  course 
we  each  thought  the  other  1  was  a  German  and 
finely  it  was  him  yelling  and  the  rockets  going 
up  at  the  same  time  that  drawed  the  fire  and  I  got 
all  of  it  because  I  was  the  bird  on  top. 

But  listen  Al  till  you  hear  the  funny  part  of  it. 
Simple  Simon  the  bird  that  we  was  both  out  there 
looking  for  him  showed  up  in  our  trench  about  a 
1/2  hr.  after  we  was  brought  in  and  he  showed  up 


180  THE  REAL  DOPE 

with  a  Saxon  all  right  but  the  Saxon  was  dead. 
Well  Al  Simon  told  them  that  he  had  ran  into  this 
guy  over  near  their  wire  and  that  he  was  alive 
when  he  got  him,  but  Alcock  says  that  Brady  said 
Simon  hadn't  only  been  gone  24  hrs.  and  the  Saxon 
had  been  gone  a  he — 11  of  a  lot  longer  than  that. 
Well  they's  no  hard  feeling  between  Alcock  and 
I  and  I  guess  I  more  then  got  even  with  him  for 
eating  out  of  my  hand  as  they  say  but  Johnny 
said  it  was  a  shame  I  couldn't  of  used  some  of  my 
strength  on  a  German  instead  of  him  but  any  way 
its  all  over  now  and  the  Dr.  says  my  leg  is  pretty 
near  O.  K.  and  I  can  walk  on  it  in  a  couple  wks. 
but  my  left  arm  won't  be  no  use  for  god  knows 
how  long  and  maybe  never  and  I  guess  I'm  lucky 
they  didn't  half  to  clip  it  off.  So  I  don't  know 
when  I  will  get  out  of  here  or  where  I  will  go  from 
here  but  I  guess  they's  1  little  party  that  ain't  in 
no  hurry  to  see  me  go  and  I  wished  you  could  see 
her  look  at  me  Al  and  you  would  say  its  to  bad  I 
am  a  married  man  with  2  kids.  Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Somwheres  m  France,  Aug.  16, 

pTfRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  don't  suppose  this 
-^  will  reach  you  any  sooner  then  if  I  took  it 
with  me  and  mailed  it  when  I  get  home  but  I  haven't 


St 


/ 


"^^^ 


.^1     '^'-    I 


I  I 


And  I  wished  3011  could  see  her  look  at  me,  Al 


SIMPLE  SIMON  181 

nothing  to  do  for  a  few  hrs.  so  I  might  as  well  be 
writeing  you  the  news. 

Well  old  pal  I  am  homewards  bound  as  they  say 
as  the  war  is  Feeney  as  far  as  I  am  conserned  and 
I  am  sailing  tonight  along  with  a  lot  of  the  other 
boys  that's  being  sent  home  for  good  and  when  I 
look  at  some  of  the  rest  of  them  I  guess  I  am  lucky 
to  be  in  as  good  a  shape  as  I  am.  I  am  O.  K.  only 
for  my  arm  and  wile  it  won't  never  be  as  good  as 
it  was  I  can  probably  get  to  use  it  pretty  good  in 
a  few  months  and  all  as  I  can  say  is  thank  god  it 
is  my  left  arm  and  not  the  old  souper  that  use  to 
stand  Cobb  and  them  on  their  head  and  it  will  stand 
them  on  their  head  again  Al  as  soon  as  this  war 
is  over  and  I  guess  I  won't  half  to  go  begging  to 
Comiskey  to  give  me  another  chance  after  w^hat  I 
have  done  as  even  if  I  couldn't  pitch  up  a  alley 
I  would  be  a  money  maker  for  them  just  setting 
on  the  bench  and  showing  myself  after  this. 

Well  we  are  saying  good  by  to  old  France  and 
I  don't  know  how  the  rest  of  the  boys  feels  but  I 
am  not  haveing  no  trouble  controling  myself  and 
when  it  comes  down  to  cases  Al  the  shoe  is  on  the 
other  ft.  and  what  I  am  getting  at  is  that  France 
ought  to  be  the  1  that  hates  to  see  us  leave  as  I 
doubt  if  they  will  ever  get  a  bunch  of  spenders  like 
us  over  here  again. 

Well  Al  it  certainly  seems  quite  down  here  in 


182  THE  REAL  DOPE 

this  old  sea  port  town  after  what  we  have  been 
through  and  it  seems  hke  I  can  still  hear  them  big 
guns  roar  and  them  riffles  crack  and  etc.  and  I  feel 
like  I  ought  to  keep  my  head  down  all  the  wile  and 
keep  out  of  the  snippers  way  and  I  could  all  most 
shut  my  eyes  and  imagine  I  was  back  there  again 
in  that  he — 11  hole  but  I  know  I'm  not  Al  as  I  don't 
itch. 

A^ell  Al  my  wounds  isn't  the  only  reason  I  am 
comeing  home  but  they's  another  reason  and  that 
is  that  they  want  some  of  us  poplar  idles  to  help 
rouse  up  the  public  on  this  here  next  Liberty  Loan 
and  I  don't  mind  it  as  they  have  promised  to  send 
me  home  to  Chi  and  I  can  be  with  Florrie  and  the 
kids.  I  will  do  what  I  can  Al  though  I  can't  figure 
where  the  public  would  need  any  rouseing  up  and 
they  certainly  wouldn't  if  they  had  of  been  through 
what  I  have  been  through  and  maybe  some  of  the 
other  boys  to.  It  takes  jack  to  run  a  war  Al  even 
if  us  boys  don't  get  none  of  it  or  what  we  do  get 
they  either  send  it  home  to  our  wife  or  take  it  away 
from  us  in  a  crap  game. 

Well  old  pal  I  left  the  hospital  the  day  before 
yesterday  and  that  was  the  only  time  I  felt  like 
crying  since  they  told  me  I  was  going  home  and 
it  wasn't  so  much  for  myself  Al  but  that  poor  little 
nurse  and  you  would  of  felt  like  crying  to  if  you 
could  of  seen  the  look  she  give  me.  Her  name  is 
Charlotte  Warren  and  she  lives  in  Minneapolis  and 


SIMPLE  SIMON  183 

expects  to  go  right  back  there  after  she  is  through 
over  here  but  that  don't  do  me  no  good  as  a  mar- 
ried man  with  a  couple  children  has  got  something 
better  to  do  besides  flirting  with  a  pretty  little  nurse 
and  besides  I  won't  never  pitch  ball  in  Minneapolis 
as  I  expect  to  quit  the  game  when  I  am  about  40. 

Well  Al  some  of  the  boys  wants  to  say  their  fare- 
wells to  the  Vin  Rouge  and  the  la  la  las  and  I  will 
half  to  close  and  I  will  write  again  as  soon  as  I 
get  home  and  tell  you  what  the  baby  gal  looks  like 
though  they's  only  the  1  way  she  could  look  and 
that's  good. 

Well  here  is  good  by  to  France  and  good  luck 
to  all  the  boys  that's  going  to  stay  over  here  and 
Simple  Simon  with  the  rest  of  them  and  I  suppose 
I  ought  to  of  got  a  few  souvenirs  off^  him  to  bring 
home  with  me.  But  I  guess  at  that  I  will  be  car- 
rying a  souvenir  of  this  war  for  a  long  wile  Al 
and  its  better  than  any  of  them  foney  ones  he  has 
got  as  the  1  I  have  got  shows  I  was  realy  in  it  and 
done  my  bit  for  old  Glory  and  the  U.  S.  A. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 

Chicago,  Aug.  29, 

rpRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  here  I  am  back  in  old 
■^  Chi  and  feeling  pretty  good  only  for  my  arm 
and  my  left  leg  is  still  stiff  yet  and  I  caught  a 
mean  cold  comeing  across  the  old  pond  but  what  is 


184i  THE  REAL  DOPE 

a  few  little  thing's  like  that  as  the  main  thing  is 
being  home. 

Well  old  pal  they  wasn't  nothing  happened  on 
the  trip  across  the  old  pond  only  it  took  a  whole 
lot  to  long  and  believe  me  old  N.  Y.  looked  good 
but  believe  me  I  wouldn't  waist  no  time  in  N.  Y. 
only  long  enough  to  climb  outside  a  big  steak  and 
the  waiter  had  to  cut  it  up  for  me  but  even  the 
waiters  treated  us  fine  and  everywheres  we  showed 
up  the  people  was  wild  about  us  and  cheered  and 
clapped  and  it  sounded  like  old  times  when  I  use 
to  walk  out  there  to  warm  up. 

Well  we  hit  N.  Y.  in  the  a.  m.  and  left  that 
night  and  got  here  last  eve.  and  I  didn't  leave  Flor- 
rie  know  just  when  I  was  comeing  as  I  wanted  to 
supprise  her.  Well  Al  I  ought  to  of  wired  ahead 
and  told  her  to  go  easy  on  my  poor  old  arm  be- 
cause when  she  opened  the  door  and  seen  me  she 
give  a  running  hop  step  and  jump  and  dam  near 
killed  me.  So  then  she  seen  my  arm  in  a  sling 
and  cried  and  cried  and  she  says  "Oh  my  poor  boy 
what  have  you  been  through."  So  I  says  "Well 
you  have  been  through  something  yourself  so  its 
50  50  only  I  got  this  from  a  German." 

Well  Al  little  Al  was  the  cutest  thing  you  ever 
seen  and  he  grabbed  me  by  the  good  hand  and 
rushed  me  in  to  where  the  little  stranger  was  laying 
and  she  was  asleep  but  we  broke  the  rules  for  once 
and  all  and  all  it  was  some  party  and  she  is  some 


SIMPLE  SIMON  185 

little  gal  Al  and  pretty  as  a  picture  and  when  you 
can  say  that  for  a  3  raos.  old  its  going  some  as 
the  most  of  them  looks  like  a  French  breakfast. 

Well  I  finely  happened  to  think  of  Sister  Marie 
and  I  asked  where  she  was  at  and  Florrie  says  she 
went  back  to  Texas  so  I  says  tough  luck  and  Flor- 
rie says  I  needn't  get  so  gay  the  1st.  evening  home 
and  she  says  "Any  way  we  have  still  got  a  Marie 
in  the  house  as  that  is  what  I  call  the  baby."  So 
I  says  "Well  you  can  think  of  her  that  way  but 
her  name  ain't  going  to  be  that  as  I  don't  like  the 
name."  So  she  says  what  name  did  I  like  and  I 
pretended  like  I  was  thinking  a  wile  and  finely  I 
says  what  is  the  matter  with  Charlotte.  Well  Al 
you  will  half  to  hand  it  to  the  women  for  detectives 
as  I  hadn't  no  sooner  said  the  name  when  she  says 
"Oh  no  you  can't  come  home  and  name  my  baby 
after  none  of  your  French  nurses."  And  I  hadn't 
told  her  nothing  about  a  nurse. 

Well  any  way  I  says  I  had  met  a  whole  lot  more 
Maries  then  Charlottes  in  France  and  she  says  had 
I  met  any  Florries  and  I  said  no  and  that  was  realy 
the  name  I  had  picked  out  for  the  kid.  So  she  says 
well  she  didn't  like  the  name  herself  but  it  was  the 
only  name  I  could  pick  out  that  she  wouldn't  be 
suspicious  of  it  so  the  little  gal  is  named  after  her 
mother  Al  and  if  she  only  grows  up  %  ^s  pretty 
as  her  old  lady  it  won't  make  no  difFerents  if  she 
has  got  a  funny  name. 


186  THE  REAL  DOPE 

Well  Al  have  you  noticed  what  direction  the 
Dutchmens  is  makeing  their  drive  in  now?  They 
started  going  the  other  way  the  18  of  July  and  it 
was  2  days  ahead  of  that  time  that  our  regt.  was 
moved  over  to  the  war  and  now  they  are  running 
them  ragged.  Well  Al  I  wished  I  was  there  to 
help  but  even  if  I  was  worth  a  dam  to  fight  I 
couldn't  very  well  leave  home  just  now. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 


THE  END 


^K          UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

^K                                         BERKELEY 

^^S                   Return  to  desk  from  which  borrowed. 

^^K        This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 

=:>i2r^iViW 

ttCCIMOV  '2  77 

REC'D  LD 

AUG  19 1957 

1      lo^pf'6^^^ 

1        REC'D  LD 

WAR  3 1 1961 

m  ^-isrr^P 

' 

LD  21-100m-ll,'49(B714( 

m50G*^66 


CDSlliai7fl 


